-I have a doctor's note. -Oh, good.
I'll read it.
-For the airtime? -Yes.
[ Laughter ]
[ Clears throat loudly ]
"To whom it may concern,
please use Pete in more sketches where he gets to kiss the host.
And use more of his rap videos,
which I hear are actually really good."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Last week, voters rejected
the Houston Equal Rights Ordinance,
which would have required businesses to allow
transgender people access to the bathroom
of their gender identity.
Here with more on this is Pete Davidson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, how you doing, Colin?
Yeah, so apparently, this anti-discrimination law
was voted down because some people claim
it's just an excuse to allow guys
in the women's restrooms, you know?
The theory is that men, in their relentless quest
to watch women go to the bathroom,
are going through years of hormones,
surgery, changing their name,
their wardrobe, coming out to their family,
all for that big payoff of peeing in a room
without urinals.
[ Laughter ]
What is this fantasy that they think is going on in there?
There's no shirtless pillow fights.
There's no disco ball.
I grew up with a mom and sister,
so, like, I know a little something
about sharing a room -- like, a bathroom with women.
It sucks.
Nobody wants to hang out in there.
Last week, I accidentally walked in on my mom on the toilet,
and I don't think we're ever gonna speak again.
[ Laughter ]
Even if, for some reason, you're desperate
to use women's bathrooms,
you don't need a sex change to do it.
You can just walk in.
There's no bouncer. [ Laughter ]
The door's right there.
Seriously, I've been using the ladies' room here to poop
for like the last two months.
-Yeah, we've actually gotten a lot of complaints.
-Yeah, from me. It's filthy in there.
[ Laughter ]
I thought girls were supposed to be the clean ones.
It looks like a man made out of toilet paper
was murdered in there.
[ Laughter ]
-Then why do you keep using it?
-Because it's the only bathroom that has wi-fi,
and Cecily has a beautiful singing voice.
[ Laughter ]
That was my favorite line.
[ Laughter ]
Look, you know why I'm not worried about a woman
in the men's room?
'Cause every sporting event I've ever been to,
a girl has bursted in and said, "Line's too long.
I'm peeing in here." And guess what.
It didn't ruin my pooping experience.
If anything, it's the only reason I washed my hands.
-Pete Davidson, everyone.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Earlier this month, courts ordered
the website Gawker to pay Hulk Hogan
$140 million for releasing the sex tape
of the pro wrestler without his consent.
With more on this is Pete Davidson.
-Yay, thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Thanks, Mike. -You're welcome, Pete.
-So, I understand that this was, like, an invasion
of Hulk's privacy and he deserved compensation.
But $140 million?
Do you realize that makes Hulk Hogan
the world's highest paid porn star...
by $139 million? [ Laughter ]
That means, like, the court thinks he lost $140 million
in future earnings because of the damage this caused
to his reputation.
He's a senior citizen who used to oil himself up
and pretend to fight immigrants in his undies.
[ Laughter ]
What job opportunities has he lost?
Like, plus he even admitted that he knew he was being recorded,
which I find hard to believe,
because he's not that good an actor.
There's no way he does a whole sex scene
without pretending once that his junk is knocked out
and he has to Hulk it up to finish the job.
You're telling me that that tape is more embarrassing
than him playing Thunderlips in "Rocky III"?
I think he's just mad 'cause this tape proved
that he was lying when he said he had a 10-inch penis.
Yeah, it turns out it's a mere seven, which, in my experiences,
is a good four inches more than anyone needs.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Laughs ] -That's good.
-What? It's how you use it.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I do okay!
Right, Che? Well, you wouldn't know.
[ Laughter ]
Colin, right?
[ Laughter ]
Look, at the end of the day, it's just a tape of two,
you know, adults having consensual sex.
So why are we slut-shaming Hulk Hogan?
Like, why do we slut-shame anyone?
'Cause that's a real problem.
I mean, like, why do guys make fun of women for doing something
we spend every night praying that they'll do to us?
[ Laughter ]
Like, we got to stop making girls feel bad about having sex
with random guys, or they'll stop
having sex with random guys. [ Laughter ]
What are you? Idiots?
Is that the world you want to live in?!
[ Laughter ]
Millions of repressed horny dudes
desperate for physical contact,
never growing out of their childhood,
wearing costumes into their 30s, and play-fighting each oth--
Oh, my God. That's where wrestling fans come from.
[ Laughter ]
-But [chuckles] why does Hogan's settlement
bother you so much?
-'Cause, like, I've had my own sex tape out for months
and, like, I can't even afford to, like,
park my car in Manhattan. [ Laughter ]
-You put out a sex tape? -Yeah, and I can't get
a single website, like, to post --
I'm not even asking for $100 million.
I'll take, like, 4 grand, like...
I just -- I don't want to have to leave my mom --
you know, my car at my mom's house anymore.
Hook me up, Gawker. Like...
-But, Pete, wouldn't that be unfair
to the other person in the video with you?
-Other person.
[ Laughter ]
Oh,
-Pete Davidson, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Google it!
-It's a good tape. -It's a good tape.
-It's a good tape.
-All this week, confirmation hearings
are taking place for Donald Trump's cabinet nominees,
and here to quickly sort them out
in a new segment called "First Impressions"
is Pete Davidson!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, Che. How you doing?
All right, so, Donald Trump has made about 20 different picks
for his cabinet, and Democrats don't like any of them.
You knew we were in trouble when every liberal in America
was like, "Come on, Mitt Romney!"
[ Laughter ]
Look, I don't know everything about politics,
or anything, for that matter,
but I'm a pretty good judge of people
based on my first impression.
So here we go.
For Attorney General, Trump picked Alabama Senator
Jeff Sessions, a man who looks like
Dobby from Harry Potter
wished to be a real boy. [ Laughter ]
Next, we've got the nominee for Treasury --
metrosexual Apple Genius Bar worker Steven Mnuchin.
[ Laughter ]
He's a Goldman Sachs guy worth over $1 billion.
A long time ago, he was like, "When I have $1 billion,
women will have sex with me."
And now he's like, "Maybe a trillion."
[ Laughter ]
Next is Trump's nominee for Housing and Urban Development,
Ben Carson.
Trump thinks Carson should be in charge of Housing
because he lived in the projects as a child.
Really? If you're an expert on wherever you were born,
does that mean I could be Secretary of the Honda Civic?
[ Laughter ]
Sorry, Mom.
For Secretary of Commerce, the pick is Wilbur Ross.
I've heard this guy's a billionaire investor,
but I'm pretty sure I've seen him
sitting on Jeff Dunham's lap.
[ Laughter ]
I knew I recognized him.
-He looks just like him. -Yeah.
Trump's pick for Secretary of Labor
is a guy named Andrew Puzder.
If you've ever wondered what Michael Fassbender
would look like if he played Lex Luthor,
wonder no more. [ Laughter ]
Puzder was the C.E.O. of Hardee's, and now he's gonna be
in charge of all the workers in America.
You know how I know that's a bad idea?
Because this is the first time you've heard the word "Hardee's"
in 15 years. [ Laughter ]
And then, there's Eric Trump.
You know, this guy's not in Trump's cabinet,
but I couldn't resist. [ Laughter ]
His hair says 1985,
but his face screams, "Put the lotion in the basket!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Pete Davidson's "First Impressions," everybody!
-Put the lotion in the basket!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Each week brings a new controversy for President Trump
as well as another person who has to defend him to the media.
Here to sort them out is Pete Davidson
with his "First Impressions." -Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-What up, y'all?
Defending President Trump is a really tough job,
and a couple of weeks ago, they brought out this guy --
Trump spokesman and James Bond villain
Stephen Miller. [ Laughter ]
Poor Steve. He tries to project strength,
but he looks like Fredo Corleone had been even sicker as a child.
Still, you have to give him credit.
He's made it pretty far for a guy who was
in high school voted "Most likely to have a cigar box
full of missing girls' driver's licenses."
He lasted about a week.
Then they got to Deputy White House Press Secretary
Sarah Huckabee Sanders,
who's one of those sweet Southern girls
that you marry if you're gay.
[ Laughter ]
I like that one. -[ Laughs ]
-So now members of Congress try to defend Trump,
like the head of the House Committee on Oversight,
Jason Chaffetz.
You probably remember when he played Simple Jack
from the movie "Tropic Thunder."
[ Laughter ]
Another person forced to defend Trump is Paul Ryan,
who got to be the House Speaker after someone waved a magic wand
over a ventriloquist dummy.
[ Laughter ]
All the Republicans wanted Paul Ryan to come up with
something to replace Obamacare.
And now that he did, everybody hates it.
And I know what this is like, because for years,
people have been asking me to quit drugs and get sober.
And now that I have, everyone thinks I'm unfunny and boring.
And hey, at least I have dreams now
and I've started waking up with boners again.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Hard as a rock.
-All right, man. -But now no one --
Well, maybe not as great as yours, but whatever.
[ Laughter ]
Sorry.
But, you know -- [ Laughter ]
Sorry.
But no one defends Trump better than Fox News,
and it starts every morning with "Fox & Friends."
This is Donald Trump's favorite show, because they trade in
for a new blonde every two years.
And this year's model is Ainsley Earhardt,
who looks like she's with her dad's friends
who keep talking about how much she's grown.
[ Laughter ]
Of course, the king of Trump supporters is Sean Hannity.
He looks like a thumb,
which explains why he's so far up Trump's ass.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You know -- Thank you.
I hate him, too.
I guess he likes Trump because his hair is also really weird.
And, like, the top of his head looks like two eyebrows
got to live their dream of, like, being hair.
-Ah, so that's what it is! Pete Davidson, everybody!
-I wake up with boners again! [ Cheers and applause ]
-For "Weekend Update," I'm Colin Jost!
-I'm Michael Che. Good night!
-Good night. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, there's also been a national conversation this week
about mental health.
Here to share his thoughts on this topic is Pete Davidson.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Hey! Thank you!
Thanks, guys. Oh, thanks.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, as some of you may know,
I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder,
a form of depression,
and depression affects more than like 16 million people
in this country, and there's no, like, cure, per se,
but for anyone dealing with it,
there are treatments that can help.
First of all, if you think you're depressed, you know,
see a doctor and talk to them about medication,
and, also, be healthy.
Eating right and exercise can make a huge difference.
And, finally, if you're in the cast
of a late-night comedy show,
it might help if they, you know, do more of your sketches.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-I'm sorry. Wait. Are you saying that
you're depressed because you're not getting enough airtime?
-Oh, no, no, no. I was born depressed.
But it might make me feel better if I was on TV more.
[ Laughter ] -I-I don't know if this is
maybe the best solution, Pete.
-I mean, it's worth a shot. I mean, come on.
This show is like 8 hours long,
and there's like 50 sketches a week.
It seems weird you wouldn't use one them
to fight mental illness, but I guess that's not your style.
-Okay. All right. Well, maybe one approach
might be to write more sketches for yourself, Pete.
-That won't work. My sketches suck
because they're all written by a depressed person.
[ Laughter ]
Lorne said that. -Okay.
-Okay. So it's sort of like a chicken-and-the-egg thing.
-Exactly. In fact "Chicken and the Egg"
was also one of my sketch ideas that got rejected.
It was about a chicken that ate eggs, but it was also
about Black Lives Matter.
[ Laughter ]
-That sounds terrible. -It is.
So I need you to, like, write it for me.
-Wait. You haven't even written yet?
-No! I'm, like, depressed! Look. Here.
I have a doctor's note. -Oh, good.
-I'll read it. -For the airtime?
-Yes. -[ Chuckles ]
-[ Clears throat loudly ]
"To whom it may concern,
please use Pete in more sketches where he gets to kiss the host.
And use more of his rap videos,
which I hear are actually really good."
[ Laughter ]
"Also" --
[ Laughter ]
This doctor's good, man. -Yeah.
Sounds like a real doctor.
-"Also, he should play Rex Tillerson a lot.
Signed, Pete Davidson's doctor."
And there you have it. -That sounds legit.
That sounds like a legit... [ Cheers and applause ]
...doctor's note, Pete.
Also, I'd just -- I would like to point out, Pete,
that you look nothing like Rex Tillerson.
-So, give me a mask! Like, what?
He looks like a Muppet fell in a lake.
[ Laughter ]
And that's just one of the many jokes you'll see
next week on Pete Davidson's "First Impressions" segment.
-Pete Davidson, everyone. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪