[THEME MUSIC]
[WHISTLING]
But, you know, during the process of cleaning this shit
down here, I realized that I have so many fucking
reusable bags that I'm--
I might be doing more damage than motherfuckers
that use plastic bags.
I'm not sure.
I got 80-- like, I got 90,000 tote bags, fam.
Like, for everything.
Wow, I didn't realize, like, when you--
when you pull out a tote bag, you
feel so morally superior than everyone
else in the supermarket.
Oh, yeah.
And I'm-- I'm just living for It I'm just living for it now.
Like, the-- very loudly--
you-- the-- the best way to do it is very loudly--
you know, when you get there and when
you see them reaching for the plastic bag, you're like,
uh, uh, uh.
And then, very loudly--
Oh, no, I have my own.
Very loudly, you flap it, like a cape.
I'm feeling.
You're like, ah, I have a tote.
And then everyone-- you know, everyone in the supermarket
starts clapping like you're a military troop
walking through a airport.
MERO: Yeah.
Fair.
Motherfuckers are doing that shit
at Stop-and-Shop in Bay Plaza.
I was like, yo, Heather, please don't.
Please don't. Please don't.
This is embarrassing.
And she was like, no, it's fine.
I have bags.
And everybody was like, yo, this bitch got her own bags.
I was like--
[LAUGHTER]
Back in the days, when you used to say "I have bags,"
it was just like, in a saloon, when you walk in
and the piano player stops playing.
You're like--
Like, what?
DESUS: Ooh, shit.
I was like, now--
now I know we're on the same wave.
I was like, OK, cool, yeah.
Trader Joe bag is what they call them.
I was like, oh, wow. MERO: Yeah.
DESUS: Yeah.
Yeah, I got a couple.
Yeah, this one's from "The Read."
This one's from Seth Meyers. DESUS: Whoa.
This is one from the number one show in late night,
"Desus and Mero." Holla.
Showtime.
11:00 PM, Monday, Thursday.
It's like some ladies of the night
on the wall looking at him, like, oh,
look at all his totes.
Oh, my god.
What a massive collection of totes.
Wow, he's saving the earth.
[LAUGHTER]
I know he has no carbon footprint.
Mm.
I need a footprint in my chooch.
DESUS: Wow.
[LAUGHTER]
Whoa.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and we are here, and we--
welcome to "Desus and Mero."
OK.
All right.
[LAUGHTER]
Some of y'all are hoarding toilet paper.
Some of us are hoarding chooch references.
So you know, as Rihanna said, this is what you came for.
[LAUGHTER]
Sports goss.
MERO: Yes.
DESUS: Yeah.
MERO: Knicks ready to issue refunds
to season ticket holders.
Why don't you refund my childhood?
This sounds like good news, but I read the fine print.
They're just going to refund them in snacks,
so you're not getting any money back.
[LAUGHTER]
They just got, like, warm hot dogs from March.
They're like, yo, yo--
You get James Dolan CDs.
Yo.
You watch-- yo, you want a Jeremy Lin ice cream head?
I'm like, Jeremy Lin was on the Knicks how long ago?
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Guys, listen, we got an official Vin Baker jersey.
DESUS: Yo. - Huh?
How about that?
You want some Patrick Ewing jerk sauce?
I was like, is this from 1985?
What am I going to do with this?
This is not real.
Also, I'm going to need four bottles of this for my aunt,
so you know, just give them here.
OK, so they're issuing refunds to season ticket
holders because of coronavirus.
Yeah.
Why-- what happens to the--
MERO: That's just what they do.
I was once a season ticket holder with my sister,
and the Knicks won, like, 20 games.
So can I get a refund for that?
I was going to say, can you refund,
like, the emotional trauma that you caused me in the '90s?
Like--
DESUS: Yeah.
Or should I, like--
Re-watching the Jordan documentary,
like, yo, it still hurts.
It still hurts.
That-- that Scottie Pippen dunk on Ewing-- like,
you don't even remember that the Knicks won.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was so-- that was so wild.
But yo, shout-out to Pat, though.
Because he didn't-- he didn't just lay there and take it.
He tried-- I think he tried to, like, nutmeg him
or do some wild shit. - Yeah.
Like, he tried to putz him in the nuts or whatever.
He did, and it makes it even sadder.
It makes it even sadder.
He's like, yeah, he tried to reach up
and, like, smack him in the balls or some shit.
I was like, go, Pat.
[LAUGHTER]
So wait, are the price of Knicks tickets
going to drop next season?
No. You know that.
You know they're not.
No, they're not, come on. Let's-- give me a break.
And you know, the worst part-- next season
was supposed to be our season. Us--
MERO: Yeah.
Us courtside, you know what I'm saying?
Me, you, and Spike yelling at referees and stuff.
Yeah.
It's over.
I'm chilling-- I'm chilling with celebrities.
I don't know their names.
I have to spend the whole game trying
to figure out who they are, while on the side,
googling guy with big nose--
Oh, yo. Yo, yo, yo, yo.
Shhh.
Yo, that's-- that's Mrs. Maisel.
That's Mrs. Maisel.
I think she does.
[LAUGHTER]
Rachel Bron-- Bron--
Bronson?
Rachel Bronson?
It's Charles Bronson's daughter?
No.
Rachel-- Rachel Bronson is the Vice
President of the Studies at the Chicago
Council on Global Affairs.
She has nothing to do with any of this.
I have no idea why she even came up.
[LAUGHTER]
Rachel Bronson, keep doing your thing, all right?
Shout-out to you.
DESUS: Keep doing your thing, you and your husband.
Why-- why is Google so messy?
Why do I need to know all this about this lady?
And it's so rando, too.
It's not like it's a fucking--
fucking quarterback or some shit.
Wow, she's in charge of the doomsday clock.
Oh.
Wow, OK.
And she-- she's been published in "Foreign Policy,"
"Foreign Affairs," "Huffington Post,"
and the "Chicago Tribune."
MERO: Shout-out to her.
I have no idea who this lady is, but shout-out to her.
She-- listen, inspirational.
See?
That's the antithesis of the attitude that Julia has.
JULIA: What? - You know what I'm saying?
You celebrate yours. - Wow, wow.
Wow.
JULIA: I am.
Julia, how does it feel to feel like Donald Trump?
To just constantly be attacked by the media?
Regardless, Julia-- Julia's like, (IMPERSONATING
TRUMP) I do an amazing job.
[LAUGHTER]
Julia is just going to turn around and walk away.
We'll be like, uh, who's running the show?
Uhhh.
Uh, Julia, you want to come back?
[LAUGHTER]
Ow.
[LAUGHTER]
That's true, that's true.
That is true.
So did we find out if Mrs. Maisel goes to Knicks games?
I mean, if she-- she--
no, she doesn't. She's got too much.
JULIA: No, she doesn't go.
Also, it's like--
well, you know what?
No, maybe she did because that show is set in, like, the '60s.
That's right.
Her and her husband-- they dodged
a basketball while sitting courtside
at the New York Knicks game.
There you go.
Bom.
[LAUGHTER]
Wow.
JULIA: All right.
OK.
Sad goss.
Aw, sad goss.
Sad goss.
Oh.
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
Little-- oh, Little Richard.
Little Richard.
The god.
Shoutout, Betty Wright.
Yes, Betty Wright.
She had pipes.
She could sing. Rest in peace.
For real.
You can tell by the photo.
Just by the photo, you can tell she's going on a sick vocal run
right there. - You know it.
Right there, she's killing. She's hitting some high notes.
You know what I'm saying?
Damn.
Andre Harrell.
Andre Harrell, rest in peace.
VX all day.
Talk to him. - You know what I'm saying?
He was a big--
he had kind words for us when we interviewed
him, so rest in peace.
He was a visionary.
You know what I'm saying?
He was a G, a legendary groundbreaker.
Yeah, a lot of people died.
A lot of black people, too.
Like-- Jerry Stiller.
MERO: Look.
DESUS: Comedian.
Arthur Spooner, the god, dead at 92.
Maury Ballstein.
Do we want to make it spicy?
"'King of Queens'" is a better show with a more
realistic depiction of NYC, but y'all not
ready for that conversation.
And also, if you enjoy 'Seinfeld' over
'King of Queens,' you are anti-black."
I said what I said.
I said it with my chest.
Come at me, all right?
[LAUGHTER]
Because of the one black guy that worked with Kevin James?
Wow, wow.
No, actually, his black family.
How about that?
How about there were multiracial, ethnic characters
that were not caricatures on the show, OK?
No, that's true.
Huh?
That is true.
And also, if you want to jump in my mentions
and try to defend "Seinfeld," I want to ask you, how hard did
you chuckle during the Puerto Rican day parade?
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, convenient, y'all.
Convenient.
[LAUGHTER]
No, I wasn't getting roasted.
People were responding, realizing I'm right.
So-- [LAUGHTER]
JULIA: Oh, OK.
And then somebody was like-- someone was like, yo, yeah,
when do we-- since when do we watch TV for realistic
depictions of NYC?
And I was like, wow, you are really showing your whiteness
because anyone that knows NYC knows
it doesn't look like "Friends."
There's brown people in NYC.
And the stories in "King of Queens"
were richer and more developed because there were
multi-ethnic people out there.
Also, sorry to tell you guys, "How I Met Your Mother"
is also not a realistic depiction of New York City.
Nobody had a job.
What did they do? JULIA: Yeah.
They were always chilling at that--
What did--
They were always chilling at that bar.
At that bar.
And the only one-- and-- and Neil Patrick Harris was rich,
somehow.
But what did he do? DESUS: He always had a suit on.
JULIA: Yeah. - He always had a suit on.
He was always, like, bagging mad--
Like, what did-- what did any of you
guys do, besides meet up at this bar and talk shit?
One of them was, like, a public school teacher,
but they lived in, like, midtown.
I'm like, no.
This doesn't make any sense.
Yes, "King of Queens," Carrie was a receptionist.
She was, uh-- what is it?
A receptionist?
MERO: She was an executive assistant.
Executive assistant, excuse me.
And Doug delivered packages.
Arthur Spooner was the guy who lived in their basement.
You know what I'm saying?
And he'd go on his little tails.
He'd go to, like, the senior center.
He was trying to bang--
what's his name?
The little short guy, his mother.
The guy worked that worked in the token booth.
Famous guy?
What's his name?
You know his name, Julia. MERO: I ain't going to lie.
JULIA: What?
MERO: Arthur Spooner-- it was--
DESUS: All right.
Well, you're missing out.
It was a strong character, but-- yo, but, yo, Frank
Costanza had quotables though.
So did Arthur Spooner.
Do you remember a Arthur Spooner quote on the racism
at the restaurant, when he was trying to get
his sausage and pickles--
his hot sausage?
[LAUGHTER]
Huh?
When he eating with Deacon's family?
Patton Oswalt.
Yeah.
Shout-out to him.
Spence.
Aw, man.
Shout-out to Patton Oswalt.
Shout-out to-- also, Deacon looks a little like--
Deacon looks a little like Kesh, right?
Shout-out to Kesh, you know what I'm saying?
- Shout-out to Kesh. - I love your work.
Definitely.
Absolutely.
I will-- if I'm-- if I'm going through TV,
and "King of Queens" is on, I will watch it,
regardless of the episodes.
My favorite episodes are the one where
Carrie was clearly pregnant and they were trying to hide it,
and it was--
they did a very, very, very poor job.
I always-- I fuck up because I confuse--
the set-up was so similar betwe-- well, not so similar,
but similar enough between "Everybody Loves Raymond"
and "King of Queens," that I confuse
Leah Remini and Patricia--
No, no.
Heaton, there you go.
DESUS: But yeah, and then there's--
Isn't one of them, like, a-- well, I know Leah left
Scientology, but the other--
Patricia is, like, problematic, somehow?
Yeah, she's like a Trump--
Trumper. JULIA: Yeah, yeah.
And then-- because they used to come
on back to back on syndication on, like, channel-- on UPN.
And then, also, they did crossover episodes
because Raymond would come on to "King of Queens."
JULIA: Whoa. - Yep.
You forget about those.
Uh.
[LAUGHTER]
Uh, hey, uh, I'm six foot eight.
I never played basketball before.
I'm a cop, but I'm absolutely useless as a human being.
Uh, right.
Could I borrow $5.00?
I want to have sex with a woman.
Is that OK?
[LAUGHTER]
Also, do you know how much money
the cast of "King of Queens" makes in syndication?
My god.
I was going to say, Patton Oswalt--
I was like, yo, he has--
because he is a standup.
To me, when I hear Patton Oswalt,
I'm like, oh, standup comedian. DESUS: Mm-hmm.
Done.
He's eating off of "King of Queens."
I totally forgot about that shit.
I was like, he must be getting checks every week in the mail.
Like, yo, fuck.
I'll-- I'll do a special.
I don't care.
Whatever.
And also--
Ah, yeah, can't wait.
And also, and my final statement
for why "King of Queens" is better than "Seinfeld"--
JULIA: Oh, god.
--if you appreciate "Seinfeld," you
also are a fan of Steve Bannon.
JULIA: OK.
[LAUGHTER]
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, this dinner party just got uncomfortable, OK?
[LAUGHTER]
JULIA: OK, but--
That's when I look at-- that's when
I look at my phone like, damn.
Aw, man, it's really late.
Guys, I got to wait with the kids, you know.
No, no, no.
Stay, Mero, stay, stay.
No, it's fine. No, it's fine.
It's fine.
Love you guys.
It was great to see you guys.
DESUS: You know what?
Mero has literally seen me do this at actual dinner parties.
[LAUGHTER]
MERO: Dog, that's when I get all on my phone and start-- like,
start responding if I have these messages.
Like, yes, it's going great.
[LAUGHTER]
We're talking about politics now.
I'm all sweaty on the table.
I'm like, what do you mean, bro?
What do you mean? MERO: What do you mean?
What do you mean by that?
When you say that, but what do you-- no, no, no, no.
Say it again.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Say it again the same way.
You-- you mean to tell me you like skinny Al Sharpton
more than fat Al Sharpton?
[LAUGHTER]
Bro.
Egregious.
And I'm just sitting there like that,
doing the same face he had on in the Nick Swisher interview.
There's me.
I'm just like--
[LAUGHTER]
It's like, oh, god, no.
I was like, don't ask me anything,
don't ask me anything.
I'm like, bartender--
bartender, get the table another bunch of Rieslings.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm like, except for me.
Not me, please.
[LAUGHTER]