My dad fancies Harrison Ford and I'm totally fine with it. Mum not so much.
When I was young I knew I was different, but cranium (?) aside, fancying girls had always felt natural to me.
Growing up I always kept it secret. I always, ugh... wanted to be a boy and do boy things, like wear boy clothes, climb trees, blow up ant's nests with hot water and sarcasm. "Yeah, I'm sure you're gonna get away."
Embarrassingly enough, my first girl crush was Jennifer Aniston.
I used to secretly kiss my Friend's poster everytime I left the room. Uhm, then I had to throw it away because it got gross with my own slob.
I was eight, and Jennifer taught me how to kiss, and shit got real.
Got so real.
But then I had to religiously kiss the poster everytime I entered and left the room, and...
...that's when my first obsessive-compulsion was born.
When I was ten, I told my dad that I fancied girls.
He said, "It's perfectly natural to have feelings for your girlfriends." but I thought he said, "It's perfectly natural to feel up your girlfriends."
And that was actually, unbeknown to him, the best advice he's ever given me. Second to, "If in doubt, plip it out."
Always have, always will.
Sometimes you haven't got a choice.
When I realised Jennifer and I could never be, moving was a slow and painful process.
But I soon found love again. His name was Jack. Unfortunately he died because, uhm, Kate Winslet wasn't willing to share that evening and, as a result, she cost me a life of heterosexual privilege.
So, thanks, Kate! Uh, for nothing!
She was actually Oscar nominated for it, which I thought was spiteful.
So, after Jack died, even though I was 12, I thought to myself, perhaps I have the capacity in my heart to fancy both men and women.
Since my feelings for Jack had sunk to the bottom of the North Atlantic with that boat and Billy Zane's career, and Jennifer was happily married to chisel face...
...I needed to focus my attention on the attainable and, for me, that's always been my problem.
I began idolising this girl in primary school, uhm, I thought she was beautiful and she played Mary in the Christmas nativity.
I was a Wise Man. Mum, dad, I was a wise man.
HOW did you not know?
I brought frankincense so fucking hard.
I didn't really... I didn't really know where I fit in on the spectrum of being a real tomboy to being a real girly girl, but then I developed these things called boobs.
Now, boobs make it slightly harder to be a tomboy, uhm, because, you know, when you're trying to do boy's stuff, like, you know... you know...
...throwing stones at bigger stones, it's harder because they weigh you down and, uhm, they throw your balance, so, basically, when I developed boobies, I...
...started to dress girly and be girly.
I secretly fancied all of my friends at highschool.
I was totally fine with it until I wasn't fine with it.
For some reason, one day when I was 14, I felt horribly guilty.
Not unlike a pervert.
I had a really hard time. I... I remember printing off pictures of Ewan McGregor from Moulin Rouge! to try and convince myself that it was him that I wanted and not Nicole Kidman.
Uhm, I used to stare at these pictures hour upon hour to try and look at his face and think, "No, it's men that I'm attracted to. Not Nicole Kidman!"
I fancied Nicole Kidman in that film to the point where it was quite ridiculous and I tried to convince myself that I wanted to BE her and not be with her, but I wanted to do her in her... everywhere.
But, unfortunately, then she succumbed to tuberculosis, uhm... Why do all my true loves die?
And that's when I knew that it wasn't just adoration, it was more than that. It was I'm-gonna-sit-on-you-and-then-just-bounce-some, but I never adressed it in my mind.
Prior to that point. I never thought to myself, "Oh, uh, that's wrong. Like, that- you don't do that." "Don't- Don't think that way." or "Don't feel that way."
But, to be honest with you, girls were the only thing that excited me, that it... it made my heart race, because...
...boys just did not have that effect. I was friends with all the boys, I loved having fun with them...
...uhm, but not sexy fun, apparently. I just didn't really have that, oh, strong attraction to boys, that emotional... that thing that just... that wrenched your guts out. That kind of feeling.
When I thought about some of the girls that I used to really like in school, I used to literally be so absorbed in every single facet of their personality, their appearance, their smell, everything, and it all amounted to something that was just so strong.
Could not be ignored any longer. And I remember thinking to myself, "Oh my god, I'm at a point in my life where I have to accept something about myself that I've never actually consciously thought before." And that's really scary.
And I thought, "If I accept it - in my mind - and be okay with it secretly to myself... just because I've accepted it on the inside will people be able to tell, on the outside, that I'm different?"
And I remember that morning walking into school thinking, "I've accepted that I think I might be a lesbian."
And no one knew any different, and that's when I thought, "Wow, I could actually get on with this, for a while, on my own, before I'm ready to tell anybody and be okay with it on the inside."
And that was a big step. That was a huge step. I was scared and I conquered it like a fucking pro, so...
When I was 14 I accepted it in my head that there was a chance I could be a "full" lesbian or definitely, definitely...
...at least bisexual. All I knew at that time was that I fancied women a lot more than men. A lot more. Sexually, uh... physically, emotionally, everything. It was all there.
As I grew up a little bit - sort of 15, 16 - that's when, uhm, I had feelings for... a guy, but they- it wasn't really feelings.
If anything, it was because he was sporty, he was really funny, he was a good looking guy, and he was just like me so I felt like we would make a good couple and it would be "socially acceptable".
More socially acceptable than me and some girls I had my eye on, that, unfortunately, couldn't be mine.
I was 17 when I lost my virginity to a guy. Yes, it's happened, doesn't make me any less lesbian.
I will let everybody else answer that because that's not really something I am going to try and debate with you because I don't feel like I need to prove anything. That's not why I'm making this video.
I'm not making this video to say, "One thing makes you really lesbian and the other thing makes you slightly less lesbian because you may have touched a man before." It's not about that, this is just my story.
Make of it what you will, I'm sure you will.
So, at 17, I lost my virginity very quickly. It was fast. The second time was faster.
I didn't have the best time. Not even the second time, I know you thought I did.
Then, when I was 18, I was in a relationship with a boy for a few weeks, uhm... I slept with him too! And realised that absolutely not.
I just... I couldn't be with a guy. I didn't have enough emotional connection. Physical attraction was just not there.
I... I could always appreciate when... a man was attractive. Just like I can now, there's nothing wrong with that. But when it came to sex, there was just...
It was akward, like, no! Uhm...
So, after I ended my relationship with him, I said to myself, "I don't think I can be with men again."
And I'd just turned 18 and, even though I knew I fancied women from a very young age, 18 was the definitive point in my life where I knew 100% that I could never be with a guy again.
And, when you think about it, that's actually quite young. Really. On... on the spectrum of your entire life, 18 is pretty much at the very beginning. So, that was when I knew myself and I couldn't be with a guy.
Again.
And that's when I actually had my first girlfriend. So, my first girlfriend... uhm, I had when I was 18 years old.
I met her in Art college. We were all friends, me, Emma, her, my friend Tom... uhm, and I was with her for 4 years, uhm...
It was a very, very important relationship that I had with her. Uhm, it was my first lesbian relationship, and...
...it was the first opportunity I had to tell my parents that I was not only gay in theory, but gay in practice.
Uhm, and that was not as okay with them... as it was when I was just being gay in theory, with my gay textbooks.
So, when I was actually taking the practical exam, my mum lost her shit.
I told my mum that I was bisexual when I was 15, and she said, "No, you're not. No.", and I said, "Okay..."
And she said, "No, we all have feelings for our girlfriends, Rose. Some people don't act on them."
It was a real Dana Fairbanks situation.
Uhm, but, my mum... I love my mum so much and, uhm, it was a shock to her and it wasn't easy for her, and I appreciate and respect that.
So when I told her that I was taking the gay practical exam, uhm, and I was actually in a relationship with a girl, uhm, she... she wasn't happy.
It came as a shock to her. And she actually dropped her tampons in the middle of the hairdressers. At the cash desk.
I picked them up. After I laughed. And then we spoke about it in the car. I had to drive home because she was too shaken up. That's fine, she just dropped her tampons.
After that it was a little awkward because, obviously, I kept being in the relationship that I was in, and, uhm... and then I had sex with a girl for the first time, yay!
It actually went really, really well, uhm, turns out I'm very, very good.
We were very, very close, but I think it may have been a relationship that came together out of convenience, rather than... rather than true love. So...
...it ended, but... then I met Rosie, and... I fell so, so very much in love with her,...
...that everything seemed like... I went through everything I went through to get to that particular point, and I... I'm so happy that I've had the experiences that I've had in order to reach where I am today.
I think it's really important for people to know that, even though it's a really scary time, uhm, especially when you know that you have feelings for your girlfriends or your boyfriends...
...uhm, if you have same-sex attraction it can be really, really scary, but, for me, it was actually something that I kept really sacred. I felt like, because I knew that it was a secret...
...uhm, it was actually the best part of me, and something that I didn't necessarily have to share. So, even though I went through that scary stage of doubting myself and thinking, "Oh my god, is this really bad?"
I really loved the fact that it was something that was just mine, and something that really did... make me me, and I actually loved it a little bit. So, even though I did have my struggles and I...
...I can understand why a lot of people will have their struggles with it, it's also something that makes you who you are.
And, even though that sounded a little cliched, a little cheesy and something that's been said a lot, it is true.
I know that it's a very scary time for a lot of people, and I can absolutely 100% appreciate that...
...but, just know that it does make you you. And you need to learn to love it, because in life there will be a time where you meet that one person...
...and that one person will be absolutely perfect for you, and you won't be ready for them until you learn to love that part of you.
That part of you that makes you special, that makes you different, that makes you able to love fully, with absolutely no shame or regret, wholeheartedly, throwing yourself into it 100% of the time.
And it will be the most magical, insanely romantic time of your life. Just relax. Just relax, because it's okay. It's okay to just be for a sec.
Especially in those years - in those sometimes teenage years, sometimes later life - it's okay to just be and let things naturally progress. We live in a time where things are getting better.
They are getting better. Don't panic, we're not going to suddenly regress. Don't overanalyse yourself. Just be for the time being and let everything else fall into place. Why rush it?
Why rush it? Why rush something that's going to naturally make sense to you, given the time?
Just be patient and don't be frightened, because I genuinely think that this world is becoming a more accepting place to live.
I also... realise that that thing that I had that made so attracted to women, that thing that made me so excited to be alive, was one thing that was so special to me.
And okay, so I kept it a secret, but to me it wasn't about deceiving people at all. It was just about keeping something that was truly mine for me.
And... and I'm glad that I did - for that time - because it gave me time to really appreciate it and let it grow and...
...and it started to become me. And that's not me "being in the closet" because of the shame.
I wasn't ashamed, or... or embarrassed. It was actually just something that I wanted to keep my own before other people would try and pigeonhole me and put me into a box.
All of your feelings of fear or shame will just dissipate into absolutely nothing because when you see that person...
...you will know how everything you've been through in your life - the good times, the bad times, the scary times, the sad times - will have led you to that one moment, and you will thank the earth...
...that you went through everything that you went through.
I went through some really hard times, not just with my sexuality, but with my OCD, with depression, with...
...a whole mixture of crap. And there have been times where I truly didn't think I had the inner strength to pull myself out of such a dark, dark hole. And...
...you know, I did, and I don't regret any of those horrible times, and, okay, so they're not the fondest of memories but they're certainly not the worst and, in some ways, I even appreciate them.
I don't want it to appear contrived or cliched, because even though I'm probably reiterating a lot of what you already heard...
...I truly believe it, and ever since Rosweglyn - where I could actually put faces to the number of YouTube hits that I get - I've realised that you're all so precious that you really have...
...got to believe that, in life, you will get shit handed to you on a plate, and it's up to you whether you...
...whether you use it to try and evolve, or whether you just give up. And there have been times where I've, certainly, given up and...
...luckily enough, I found the strength and I had a good support network to help me through and I'm so grateful to them, and myself, for really, really going for it and... and being where I am now.
Which is by far the happiest I've ever been.
The only reason I haven't ever talked about it before is because... I- I've never felt like it's something I've wanted to talk about, but, now...
...for some reason, I feel very compelled to talk about it.
There will always be people in this world that try and put you down, and try and tell what you are, but don't listen to them, for god's sake, because anybody who makes it their life's work...
...to hurt other people really needs a little bit of self-reflection. They need to be happier. They need to be happier.
Thank you for subscribing to my channel. Thank you for watching my videos, and...
...I really do truly think a lot of you all.
That was my story.
Tampons galore.