We don’t scam people.
And that word disgusts me.
And I'd love to have every person that said that in front of my face
and let them say it to my face and see how far it goes.
I have a hot date coming up next week,
as in me and, you know...
a woman.
I’m going to enlist the services of a dating coach
that has received many one star reviews,
which I don’t think will be very hard to find
because if I know anything about love,
it’s that it can be extremely frustrating
and confusing.
[One Star Reviews]
Holy ****!
I just came across Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking Incorporated.
“This woman is a total scam!”
“All they care about is money and men’s genitalia.”
“Horrible, horrible, horrible...
horrible, horrible, horrible,
horrible, horrible...” like, literally, 50 times.
So, yeah...
this is the dating coach episode.
Sign me up!
“Misogynistic insults.”
“This lady is awful. Please don’t give her a dime of your money.”
“Janis Spindel was condescending, rude, and arrogant.”
“This woman is a charlatan.”
-Hi, Janis. How are you? -Hi.
The main reason I’m here is because I have a date coming up.
OK, exciting.
What's your initial vibe you're getting from me?
Honestly?
Socially awkward.
Don't know if you've got great game.
Well, I guess I’ll start now
by asking you if we could go on a date to the pool.
Sure.
Janis agreed to go on a simulated date with me
to help me practice for the real one.
But before we got to that, she wanted to give me some general tips
that could help improve my love life.
Giraffe socks, gym sneakers,
rolled-up pants that are five sizes too big,
like, have you seen your ass?
Horrific belt and a plaid shirt that probably fathers wear.
Wow, look at that butterfly. Butterflies are love.
Look at it, stuck to the wall.
That's a good sign.
Butterfly stuck to the wall. Interesting, OK.
Why are your arms behind your back?
It's kind of comfortable, I guess.
-Does it seem like I’m nervous? -Body language.
Are you a T-shirt and jeans kind of guy?
You know what? Actually, to be honest with you,
this summer I’ve been wearing a lot of shorts.
Whoa. On a date?
Pretty much everywhere I go.
Do you open doors for women?
I try my best.
-OK, try harder. -Yeah, usually--
Text initially, “Heard you’re fabulous, can’t wait to meet you.”
Fabulous?
Well, obviously.
Why would you be going out with somebody if they’re not fabulous?
Do you not want someone fabulous?
I don’t usually say fabulous, but should I start saying fabulous?
-Yeah, totally. -Right, I’ll try that.
Are there any other kind of tips on just keeping the conversation going?
-Like, should I talk about myself? -Absolutely not.
She could think you’re a douchebag or a pompous ass
because you talked about yourself all night.
You want to ask her questions.
You want to attempt to get to know her.
You need to be a hot dude with a lot of confidence...
or you’re not getting anywhere.
After those helpful tips from Janis,
it was time to begin our simulated juice bar date.
And I was feeling pretty confident.
Your body language is...
very awkward, very uncomfortable.
Think about something fun.
Surfing, think about the waves.
So I’m just hanging out, surfing.
-Hi. How are you? -Hi.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
-So nice to meet you. -Have you been waiting long?
Oh, no, not at all.
Alright. Well, this is our table.
I probably shouldn’t order a juice till she gets there, right?
-Or does it not matter? -Obviously.
So, are you a big juicer?
Do you drink juice?
Not too often, to be honest, but I’m interested in juicing.
OK.
Here come the juices.
-Here are your juices. -Alright. Thank you.
OK.
Should we cheers the juice, -is that weird?
It’s not an alcoholic-- that’s no good?
No, no.
-Only if it’s alcohol? -Yeah.
This is good juice.
Little creepy.
Little creepy?
Yeah, and it’s not your first juice place,
so don’t act like a nerd.
I felt like it was time to move things along
and get to the bottom of some of these negative reviews.
Before coming in, we checked out some reviews online, and we saw--
Yelp has horrific reviews.
Would you be willing to maybe go over a few
and set the record straight on some of these?
“Horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible,
horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible,
horrible, horrible.”
I don’t know how many times they wrote “horrible.”
-I didn’t ever... I never saw that. -You haven’t seen that one.
“How can anyone call and have a conversation with,”
according to her,
“a full-blown scam artist.”
When women start calling us a scam is when I lose it on them.
“All they care about is money and men’s genitalia.”
Is that correct about your business?
No, that’s the dumbest statement. I think I saw that one.
“She has an Aryan-like bent on favoring perfect, slender women.”
She's a fat girl.
She’s someone that’s not going to be matched.
Those are angry loser women who have nothing else to do with their time
but sit down by a computer and write nasty reviews.
Don't believe everything you read from women.
Thank you so much, Janis.
My pleasure.
After talking with Janis, I still had a lot of questions,
but I had a blind date to prepare for.
Whoa!
I’m not loving this outfit.
Who’s that?
That's the guy who's been helping me.
Hi.
-He’s very nice.
It’s OK if you don’t approve.
I approve of myself, so thank you so much.
He’s happy, though.
Beltless, tucked,
so this is the outfit.
Well, sounds good. Thanks again, Janis.
She only saw me through the video phone,
so what am I supposed to do?
Well, luckily you didn’t have to meet her face to face,
so at least you have that going for you today.
The time had come,
I was finally ready for my blind date.
She could think you’re a douchebag or a pompous ass
because you talked about yourself all night.
You need to be a hot dude with a lot of confidence.
It's not your first juice place, so don't act like a nerd.
-Hello. How are you doing? -Hi.
-I’m Emily. -So nice to meet you.
-Yeah, nice to meet you. -I’m Taji.
Thank you.
-Where you from? -I’m from New York.
But enough about me.
Yeah, we don’t need to know about you.
-Nah. -No.
I’m more interested in you.
-Oh, OK. -Yes.
What do you want to know?
I just want to make that clear.
OK.
What would you like to know about?
Sorry, I didn’t mean that in a creepy way or anything.
No, no, it wasn’t creepy at all.
-Hi, how are you? -Good, how are you?
I think I’ll just stick to the juice. What about you?
I'll probably just do the juice for now as well.
-OK. -This place is fabulous, though.
Yeah, it's really good.
-Fabulous. -Yeah.
Fabulous.
So how long have you been dancing for?
I started dancing when I was three.
-Cool. -Yeah.
Well, I wasn’t planning on talking about myself,
but I’ll keep it super quick.
So one time I did a photo assisting job
for some sort of ballet thing.
I guess that was my one interaction with dancers.
I would almost describe it is fabulous.
You say fabulous a lot.
Do you like it?
Yeah.
Green of Greens, The Crimson.
-Thank you. -Thank you so much.
Do you cheers with juice?
Should we cheers the juice, is that weird?
Umm, no.
It’s not an alcoholic-- that’s no good?
Don’t act like a nerd.
Do you cheers with juice?
Definitely, yeah.
OK, cheers.
It's fabulous.
Yeah.
It’s so nice here.
Great juice, too.
Yeah, it was a good juice.
I was going to say, maybe, if you’d be interested,
we could get dinner sometime or something.
Like, down the road, maybe.
If you text me, I probably wouldn’t respond.
So tell me, Taji,
what do you see when you look in the mirror?
I see a handsome man.
-With great eyes. -With great eyes.
-With great hair. -With great hair.
Bottom line, you’re a good-looking guy.
-Good-looking guy. -End of story.
Thank you so much, Janis.
Alright.
Yeah, I’m going to leave.
Maybe I’ll just chill here.
-Yeah. -Thank you.
Very nice meeting you, though. Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Um, thanks again.
Alright. Well, I guess that didn’t go as expected.
And my main take away is that you can’t plan everything in life.
You know, you can’t put a price on love.
You can't hack love.
That’s just my take away.
So I guess I’m just going to kind of go back to...
waiting around and hoping that love naturally comes my way.
[Two Stars]
Oh, cool, they have acai bowls.
Um... yeah.
So what will it be?
You go back to the table and you sit down.
Alright, well, we’re all settled there. We’ll go now.