We all want to be with people who act like adults in relationships
But our capacity to actually act like adults in our relationships is
Dependent upon our capacity to take ownership and responsibility for ourselves and for the people in our lives
Boundaries are a sense of self such as personal preferences personal aversions
Personal desires personal needs personal feelings they essentially represent your truth at any moment
How many of us grew up in households where we're not allowed to have boundaries, it doesn't matter what our personal preferences
Doesn't matter what our personal needs are doesn't matter what our versions are we don't get to have them
Because the people that we are living with perceive our boundaries to be a conflict with their
personal preferences personal needs personal desires personal beliefs so on and so forth
Therefore asserting our personal boundaries is met with disapproval withdrawal and punishment
We need closeness with our parents desperately
our survival is dependent upon it and so we have one option to reduce this conflict to not meet with the
Consequences and that is to abandon our boundaries in favor of theirs
We did these things not because it was consciously a decision that was coming from our free will
We did it because we wanted to avoid getting in trouble
Now it'd be really great if this pattern stopped in childhood
It doesn't we progressed into our adult lives with the same attitude of doing things
not from our
Conscious freewill, but because we want to avoid getting in trouble
This pattern of doing things just because we don't want to get in trouble makes it so that in our adult relationships
We enact a child and punitive parent style relationship
It doesn't matter where this is our friendships partnerships work relationships or any other type of relationship
We end up feeling miserably resentful and controlled in our relationships
The first thing you need to accept is that free will is actually an absolute of your existence you have it even before you
Incarnate into this time-space reality that we call
physical 3d earth
Because free will is an absolute of your existence you have to accept that even as a child
You made the choice to comply
It doesn't feel like a choice
But what's happened basically is that as a child the consequences that you get met with are just too great and so you comply you?
As a child are actually using your free will to decide against yourself in this scenario
And because of this it doesn't feel like that decision is actually your decision
It feels like you're forced into it feels like someone is putting you in the position where there is only one decision to make
And they have put you in that position
But you could still hypothetically choose not to comply
You could choose to bear the brunt of the consequences instead
None of us would expect a child to do this it is out of the choice to self preserve that they choose to abandon themselves
for the sake of fusion with their parent
But we have to see that it is actually a choice. They are making from their own free will to do so
We need to see that it's a choice
They are making in order for us to understand what it means to really take ownership for a decision that we make
If in this previous scenario a child really owned the fact owned the decision that they were making to abandon their own
Boundaries for the sake of complying because those consequences were just too great for them
They wouldn't actually feel the same way. They wouldn't feel as controlled
They wouldn't feel like their free will as being stripped from them and resentment wouldn't develop
Because of the fact that they own that decision is theirs
We see this dynamic all the time in our adult relationships
where one person feels like they're forced into a decision because they don't want to line up with the
Consequences as they're trying to avoid conflict or whatever
but instead of making that choice of their own conscious free will and therefore owning the decision they feel forced into it and
So as a result they end up feeling controlled and resentful
This leads to all kinds of subconscious behaviors that destroy the relationship
For example a wife asserts that she needs to see more of her husband
She's been expressing insecurity about whether the marriage will actually last because he's so unavailable when his workday ends
He wants to go out to drink with his colleagues at the bar
But he rushes home instead after expressing to his friends that he can't because the old ball-and-chain
Referring to his wife of course. He is doing this purely to avoid the consequences
he is not doing this because he really owns her happiness as part of his best interest and therefore really owns the decision as the
Decision that's best for him to make he hasn't owned. It as a self-serving decision
He also hasn't really considered whether he genuinely wants to make a stand against having to be available therefore when he comes home
he's irritable acts as if he doesn't want to be there and does little things like spend a long time undressing and
Checking his phone as an act of rebellion against the oppressor his wife in
Reality, she isn't the oppressor at all he has projected his own mother on to his wife
Here's another example friend 1 tells friend 2 to invest some money and something that interests them at this time
friend 2 doesn't want to say no because
Doesn't want to deal with the conflict in the relationship?
And so for the sake of harmony in the relationship says ok and decides to invest that
investment goes bust
Now friend number 2 is really angry at friend number one feels duped by him feels like he needs to make amends
What's happened here is friend 2 hasn't really taken ownership for the decision that he made and therefore the risks involved with that investment
friend 1 is obviously very confused
Thought that it was implied that by investing in something that that person was assuming the risk
So even though it sucks that you lose your money. It's not my fault
The amount of examples that I could give for this dynamic are endless, but it all boils down to one thing
We have to learn to feel our free will in our relationships in our decisions in every step
We take through life
If we make a decision we must own that decision we must decide that that decision is in alignment with our
boundaries meaning our personal sense of self
No one can actually take away your free will it's impossible
What people can do and?
Often do is to put you in a position
Where the only choice to make that self-preserving is the choice they want you to make?
But you could still choose to assume the consequences
Which means that you can't lose your free will?
If you struggle with this dynamic in your life, it is a near guarantee that you struggle with transactional styles of relationships
Here's an example of what I mean in
relationships you're constantly giving up yourself and giving up yourself and complying and complying against your free will and
Developing that kind of resentment
Expecting that the other person is going to do the same when it really matters to you and when they don't you feel super angry
in
this way
your style of complying in
Relationships and giving up your personal boundaries is a transaction for them to do the same when it matters to you
It's not an agreement that they have said yes to it's an invisible string
For this reason after you watch this video. I strongly encourage you to watch my video titled cut the invisible strings
Any time you do anything you have to ask yourself the following question
Why am I doing this am I doing? This simply to stay out of trouble or avoid consequences?
If so you have arrived at a crossroads
Either you get to alter your perspective about this
circumstance so that you can really own the decision to go along with something as
Your decision that you are making for your best interests
You decide that you're going to take a stand that in this circumstance you
Can't own this decision as your decision
You don't feel like it's an alignment with your best interests
and so you're going to enter into a needs conflict with the other person but
You must do this in this way
Enter into the needs conflict taking the other person as part of yourself
So it's not a zero-sum game. It's not me versus you it's
I need to take you as part of myself, and you take me as part of yourself and
Considering your best interests as part of my best interests
What now can we figure out to make it so it's a win-win for both of us on the rare occasion genuine
incompatibilities arise when we find that there is no possible way to find any
Of alignment between one person's best interests and another person's best interests
it is by far and away the
rare
circumstance if you end up in one of these circumstances
What happens essentially is that a shift in the relationship has to occur either the type of relationship has to change or the relationship ends?
But I am promising you
By far and away the majority of the time when you take on a needs conflict this does not occur
Instead of showing the incompatibilities you find out a way to create a third solution
That actually satisfies both people that both people feel good about
Becoming an adult and our relationships has first and foremost to do with owning our free will and exercising it
We must use our free will to own the decision to include someone as part of ourselves and therefore to take the other person's best
interests as a genuine part of our own best interests
It is at this point that we become responsible not only for ourselves, but also for those that we love
When we do this we do it not because we feel forced into it
We do this because we genuinely want to do it