There's plenty of challenging things to deal with as parents. How do we deal with
a teenager swearing? You know, we handle a lot of parenting topics here at Live on
Purpose TV. Dealing with teenagers. Who can be a little tricky. What do you do
about a teenager who's swearing? For example, let's take that one on with a
quick review first of control. This comes back to the two rules of plumbing. I've
shared these with you before in other videos. What are the two rules of
plumbing? Well, rule number 1, water runs downhill. Awesome, good to know,
as a plumber. Rule number 2, don't lick your fingers. If you've ever replaced the
toilet, you know exactly where I'm coming from on this one. Water runs downhill,
don't lick your fingers. That's all you need to know about plumbing. When we're
dealing with teenagers, those two rules of plumbing are so important. And they
translate like this, "Some things you control, other things, you don't."
That's like saying water runs downhill. That should be an obvious thing.
Rule number 2, pay attention to the things that you control. Now, that might
even turn into a disclaimer. Because teenagers swearing, do you control that?
No, you don't. If you did, it would happen differently. So, obviously you don't
control that. How do we deal with that as parents? I've got 3 tips for you. Tip
number 1, set a good example. It is so funny that we as parents, sometimes, get
sucked into hypocrisy, right? It's kind of like, "No more violence or I'll knock your
head off." Do you see the discrepancy there in the
message? Our language as a parent matters in terms of our example
to our kids. So, we show a model of respectful and appropriate language in
calm communications where the tone of voice is conducive toward understanding
and empathy. You get where we're going here?
Your example matters. Model that as a parent. That's tip number 1. Now, here's
tip number 2 for how to deal with a teenager who's swearing. Acknowledge
who controls what. And then accept and affirm the control that your teenager
has. I have parents do this all the time in my office where we set up a t-chart.
You know, where you draw a big tee and then on the one side you list all of the
things your teenager controls. And on the other side you list all the things that
you as a parent control about their life. And this is kind of a short list, over
here. The things that are on the teenagers list include, "How they're going
to handle language?", That's what we're talking about here today. "How they're
going to handle dress and appearance? How they're going to handle interactions
with their friends? How they're going to handle school? How they're going to
handle church? How they're going to handle social interactions? How the're going to handle chores
or their level of cooperation in the home?" Can you see that all of these
things your teenager controls? Now, what do you control about your teenager's
life? See, this is where parents come up dry sometimes. There are some important
things you control over here, namely what you provide. Now, this is key because when
we get down to what we're going to do about the swearing, you don't control
that. That's on this side of the list. However, you control a lot of things on
this side of the list that your teenager is concerned about. The services you
provide, access to certain things, what you personally will do or won't do, your
own language, your own attitude, this is all on your side of the list. And
so, we get to use these things to hopefully influence these things over
here, the things that you don't control. When I said accept and affirm that, one
of the best practices that I know in parenting teens is to yield and
acknowledge that control to them. In other words, well, this is something that
you control, not me. If we're talking about language that's very true. I'll put it
into an example for you here in just a minute. So, let's go to tip number 3,
which is to set up and enforce appropriate consequences. We're going to
do this by drawing on what we talked about in tip number 2 about
understanding where the control, is who has the control accepting and in firming
that. Now, as we set up the consequences, we're always going to pick stuff from
our own list over here, okay? We don't want to get into a power struggle over
here with the kinds of words that our teenager is using, when they're swearing
or using profanity. They control that we don't. So, we're going to control
something on our list in exchange for they're controlling something on their
list in a way that we appreciate. So, quick story. I was working with a mom who
had two very large, husky, athletic teenage sons. These sons were getting
into some inappropriate language and it was really kind of disrespectful and
distasteful in a lot of ways. Because mom wanted to deal with her teenagers
swearing productively and appropriately, we made this part of our consultation. So,
we had the conversation about who controls what and how you have to set up
the consequence. It's kind of like what I've set up for you here today. So, I
asked her. I said, "How likely is it that they're going to continue with this
swearing?" "Oh, it's so likely they're doing it every single day. Every time we get in
the car for example, then they just start popping off with all this stuff that's
so offensive to me." I said, "Awesome." Which surprised her. But it gives us an
opportunity to try something, right? To learn something. So, I said you've got
an opportunity today. Are you pretty sure? And she's like, "Oh yeah, it's going to happen."
Great, awesome. Let's set it up in a way that the consequences are something that
you can enforce. 100% you're going to acknowledge and affirm their control.
Let's see how it plays out, okay? And we did a few role plays there in the office.
But she had a trip that was... They lived just in the outskirts of the city. And so,
it was maybe, I don't know, 2 or 3 miles that they were ranging for this
particular road trip. I think they were going to a grocery store or something
like that. Anyway, as sure as shooting and she would have
predicted it. They start popping off with their disrespectful language. She makes
an initial request for them to change their language and stop swearing. "Guys,
that language is offensive, would you please stop." They respond with even more
profanity in an appropriate language. "Guys," she says again. "Please stop that
language is offensive." As she's pulling over to the side of the road. Now, here's
the setup, right? She's pulling over to the side of the road. She gets to the
side of the road and she stops the car and she says, "This language is not
appropriate in my car, please get out." Okay, now I know what you're thinking.
Two big athletic teenage boys, little petite mom, who's telling her to get out of her
car, what's going to happen? Well, they're just going to stay put right? And they did.
They just kind of settled down into that back seat and said, "I am not get out." And
they're still popping off with their disrespectful attitude. So, mom was
brilliant. I love the way that she did this. Remember we got to control what we
control, not what we don't. Can she control whether her kids get out of her
car? Not really, unfortunately. They're bigger than her and they outnumber her
by a double factor. Alright, so what is she going to do? She
simply turns off the car, right there on the side of the street where she parked
it. Turns it off takes the keys with her and she gets out of the car. I thought
this was brilliant. She walks across the street to a store.
The boys are just watching like, "What's going on", right? But they're just kind of
chilling there in the car. She comes back out of the store, steps over to the curb
on the other side of the street and steps into her friend's car who's there
to pick her up. She waves it the boys across the street, "See you guys." She's smiling.
By the way, when mom's smiling, kids are thinking. Just keep that in mind. She hops
into her friend's car, they drive off. And the boys are left there alone, without a
key. What are they going to do? Well, it's a couple of miles from home. Mom, goes home...
And she's already made arrangements. She's going to go pick up the car later. But
this lesson for her sons is more important than the fact that her car is
now two miles away from her house. So, she's in there making dinner, right? She's
whistling while she works. She's working on her own attitude and mood because she
does control that. The boys come in about an hour later having walked the entire
distance to their home. Now, can you picture that these boys are in a whole
different state of mind than they were before? Yeah. And mom's awesome, she's
like calm and cool and collected. She says, "Welcome home boys. Dinner will
be ready in just a minute. Make sure you wash up." Now, what's going to happen the
next time? Mom has an issue with disrespectful language in the car. To see
how powerful this is? Just one more quick example. Another mom that I was working
with. Having a problem with her teenager swearing. And we talked through the whole
model that I've shared with you here today. And she chose a little different
approach. So, I love the way that she did this. She
approached her son in this case. I think she had a daughter who was getting
sucked into it as well. But so her kids. She approached them and said, "Guys, I
realize that I don't control you, you do. You are the ones who are controlling
your life." This is that except in a firm step that we talked about. "You control
your life, what kind of language you use is totally up to you. Now, you know that I
don't like the swearing. But I've decided then I will put up with it. I will
tolerate it. Let's just call it a tolerance fee, okay? I will tolerate it
for 5 bucks a pop. Any questions?" Now, I love this tool as a parent. "Any questions?"
And especially if you say it with a little milk to your voice, raise your
eyebrows this little, "any questions?" And what it means is, "Hey, I've got this, I've
thought this thing through. You might want to ask some questions if you're a
little unclear about what's going to happen next?" But a lot of kids don't have that
level of curiosity. They're just like, "Whatever." You know and they blow you off.
Which her kids kind of did. So, they launched into dinnertime or whatever it
is and both her son and her daughter start popping off with swearing. She
pulls out a little notepad, okay? She doesn't yell at him, she doesn't engage
in that. She simply pulls out a little notepad and she starts taking some notes,
okay? And they're wondering what she's doing. And they asked her and she said, "Oh,
I'm just keeping track. Just go on, go ahead."
Well that stopped him because suddenly they're like, "Whoa this is different." What
they're used to is mom yelling and screaming at him and then they just
swear back at her. No, she's just taking notes, okay? At the end of the day, there's
a little reconciliation. "So, William. You swore 4 times. 4 times twenty, oh
sorry, it was only $5. Just kidding. 4 times five is 20." You owe me $20. How
would you like to cover that? Do you want to pay me in cash or do you want to go
on my easy payment plan?" Now, he's not going to want to pay her in cash .That's fine.
She's already got him set up on the easy payment plan. What she had done was
confiscated something that belonged to William that's worth at least $20. She
simply tells him, "Hey, you pay off your $20, you get your collateral back. You've
got until Saturday." Alright. Now, that's brilliant. Then she goes to her daughter.
Jane, you only swore 3 times. Way to go. Awesome. So, you owe me $15. How would you
like to cover it? The same thing, she kept her cool, she simply implemented the
consequence, acknowledged their control and she got on top of it. Okay, so there's
two examples of moms who have used this kind of an approach to handle their
teenager swearing. I think you can probably do this, too. These parenting
challenges are something that we can team up on. Click right over here to
connect to the parenting power up. I think you're going to like it.
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