Hey guys, if you have ever dated
or been in a romantic relationship
you have definitely wondered
how to resolve conflict
with an angry woman.
Now, can you actually fight nice
and be effective?
Yes, you can
and it's also a strategy you can use to get
more of what you want from her.
But don't use it to manipulate
that's not good, only use this for good
and at the same time
women sometimes use this strategy as a trap.
And in that case
getting involved with her is going to mean
you are going to get the short end of the stick.
Not to mention a lot of emotional distress.
So, you need to know if it's genuine
or if it's a warning sign
you should run for the hills
run forest run.
I’m going to share how to tell the difference later on.
So, stick with me to the end
until then, let me share with you
the simple formula
for how to resolve conflict with an angry woman.
If you're new to my channel my name is Anna Jorgensen
welcome to just the tip.
Okay so, just before we get started
according to John Gottman
who is like the godfather
of relationship psychology
and the author of a number of amazing books.
He says that 69%
of the conflicts in relationships
never get resolved.
So, you're just going to have to accept
that a lot of what you argue about
is just never going to get resolved
and the way to avoid that
is to choose well in the beginning.
Because at some point you're definitely
going to be in a conflict in a relationship
that's just the reality of relationships
especially intimate romantic relationships.
But if you use this formula I’m going to give you
you will actually not only
resolve conflicts better,
but you'll have the opportunity
to become closer and more intimately connected
and then you're definitely going to get more of what you want.
Now, obviously there are whole books
written about how to deal with conflict in relationships,
but that would take way too long
so we're just going to go over
the love sammich approach.
And incidentally you can actually
use this approach in any conflict
not just romantic relationships
to get more of what you want
and to resolve conflicts a lot more effectively.
So, here's the love sammich recipe.
First, you got to prep your kitchen.
If your kitchen is in a raging inferno
you're not going to be able to make a sandwich.
So, you need to make sure
the kitchen is prepped by making sure
the raging inferno
is taken care of
in other words if you are both
or either of you
is in a raging state of emotions
you're not going to be able to resolve
anything in that state.
When we are triggered
basically into our limbic brain
we are coming from a place of
automatic reaction, we're not listening,
you only hear about the first eight seconds
and then you go totally on the offense
and or defense and she's doing the same thing.
So, you just can't resolve anything
if you're in that state best thing you can do
is agree to postpone
to when you're both feeling more calm.
But you can't leave it open
because otherwise it's like, oh well
you know we never actually get around to it
you just get swept under the rug.
You have to be able to agree let's talk about this
after we've slept on it.
If you can't do it in the morning because you got to go to work
say we're going to talk about this
tomorrow evening after dinner.
So, then when you come back to talk about it
one of you has to initiate
so be the brave one
and say okay let's talk about this.
You need to start
with a slice of love.
So, what does a slice of love look like
the best slices of love
in order of effectiveness
and imagine you're receiving
her input this way
in order of effectiveness is,
one, agreeing with some
part of her argument.
What? Just imagine
if she came to you and agreed
with some part of your argument
you're going to be a lot more open-minded
because why? You feel understood.
Two, second thing you can say
in the first slice of love
is validating her feelings
about something she said.
You might not agree with
anything in her argument,
but you can agree that
her feelings are valid.
More on this in a minute and I’ll give you some examples.
And the third slice
still effective but not quite
as effective as the first two,
is to open with a genuine
note of some kind of appreciation
about something you like about or love about her.
Again, if she opened her discussion
on what you're disagreeing about
with one of these forms
of the slice of love
it's going to be far more effective
because when we go into conflict
as you know we're usually on the defensive.
And we're not as open
to discussion until we feel
like the other person understands us.
Key point, you have a better
chance of resolving conflict
effectively where you can come to a win-win
if the other person feels heard and understood,
just like it is for you.
Just like if you don't feel understood
you continue to offer up
information and evidence
because you're trying to
appeal to the logical side.
And as you know if you've watched my videos
women are far less logical
when triggered than men are.
But even regardless of that
you know you're not that logical
if someone is attacking you
or on the defensive
and you just want to provide information
because you think that's going to work
but that doesn't work if you've been
in a conflict you know that doesn't work.
And if you watched my video
five phrases to never say to an angry woman
you will know why women
are more triggered generally than men,
sorry ladies but it's true.
So, that's why it's so important
that if you can't find anything to agree with
or sometimes we feel like
if we agree with something
they're going to take a mile, a country mile.
So, we just don't feel like
we can agree with something,
but the best it may seem counter intuitive.
But the best chance you have of coming to
a mutually satisfying or at least
acceptable concession is if you do agree
but again, if you just can't bring
yourself to agree with something
and you can't validate her feelings
about why she's upset
then the third option is at least
to open with something you appreciate about her.
For example, okay let's go with
something that's pretty stereotypical
but probably something a lot of guys can relate to.
So let's say you're fighting because
she's been constantly nagging you
to pick up your dirty socks
and she's finally flipped her lid.
Maybe she's even projecting some anger
based on something else that's happening in her world
that has nothing to do with the socks
or maybe it really is about the socks
and it's the last straw.
So, anyways
so you're fighting about the stinky socks
and we're going to assume this isn't a case
where you should ignore her
or walk away, which I’ll tell you more about later.
So, you've had your time to calm down
and you've come back to discuss it.
Now, if you can do this with a partner
that's with super bonus points
and that's definitely a mark of a keeper.
Now, what if she came to you
and said here's where I think you're right
you'd be a lot more open to discussion, right?
So, here's what you're going to do,
you're going to go to her and say
here is where I think you're right
you could agree with her.
I do leave my stinky socks all over the place
or you could say
I understand why you're frustrated
about picking up my smelly socks
validating her feelings.
Or you could say if you can't manage those
because sometimes pride gets in the way
I’m grateful for all the extra
things you do around the house
and I know I don't tell you that enough,
appreciation.
Now, never say
all the little things you do around the house
because it might be little to you,
but it'll feel disregarded
if you say little things
so say extra things.
Then you're going to follow up with the ask
what is the ask you ask?
The ask is the filling of the sammich,
the filling of the sammich,
it's the request, the discussion,
the your side.
In this part, you're going to ask for what you need
for what she needs.
Partnership is about being a team mate
and you're going to figure out
how you can help each other
get what you respectively need,
team mate.
This stage requires a *** ton of patience
and active listening.
What is active listening?
Active listening is listening to understand
not listening to build your defense or offense
or your reply or your rebuttal.
Active listening is listening to understand.
So, your goal in listening
is to figure out how you can paraphrase
not parrot phrase back to her
what she said so that she feels understood
if you can say to her
okay, so let me get this straight.
Here's what I understand
you feel frustrated about the socks
because... Did I get that right?
If you didn't get it right
well, here's an opportunity for her to clarify.
If you did get it right she's going to feel understood
and she's going to be more amenable
to working through the situation.
Unless she's damaged.
Now, I know this isn't easy
because you probably haven't done this before
we weren't taught and we didn't have very good role models.
So, when you start practicing this it's going to be awkward
you're not going to be successful the very first time,
but if you try and keep trying
you will get better at it.
And even if she doesn't want to get on board I mean great
if you can have a discussion with her and say, okay
this is how I’d like to fight in the future
then awesome,
but if not you can still be the ripple in your own pond.
And this doesn't mean being a doormat
to things that are important to you
so in fact, if you get really good at this
you're actually going to get more of what you want
in a win-win way
that will make your relationship
a lot smoother and more satisfying
in a lot of ways.
Now remember you have to be sincere
you can't be snaky
so here's an example of
how you might ask for what you want
you know it would be a lot easier
for me to throw my stinky socks
in the hamper
if it was actually where I get changed
instead of in the laundry room stacked with clean clothes
that I don't know what to do with
or that I get in trouble for moving.
Yes, this is sexist role model stuff,
but it's something a lot of us can relate to
then you continue.
I know it's extra work for you
to move the hamper
but it would make it a lot easier for me
to make sure you don't have to
pick up my stinky socks anymore.
Ready for this part?
Will you do that for me?
Then you discuss it
we're still in the meat of the sandwich
and she'll have a reason she might calm down,
she might be like okay, well, I never thought of that.
Now remember relationships
do require some compromise
whether you're the stinky sock litterer
or you're the stinky sock picker-upper.
Now, if you want to throw in a bonus phrase
you can also say is there anything I can do
to help you help me
remember Jerry Maguire? No, she doesn't complete you
but yes, you can ask her
for what she needs
to be able to get your needs met.
How can I help you
with the hamper where I need it to be
so that I can throw those socks in there for you.
You know she might forget it there
because she's starting dinner
or because she...
This is so traditional role
because she's picking up the kids
or because she's working long hours
or because whatever the reason is.
There is something else that's getting in the
way of her putting the hamper where it would be
useful for you to have it
in order to put your socks in there.
So, perhaps there's something
you can do to help her.
In some other area not even related
so that she will be able to put the hamper
where you will more likely put your socks in it.
Remember solution's oriented
as a team, it's not you against her
you are not on opposite teams.
You are on the same team
working towards the same goal.
Which is coming out of this
with a mutually satisfying conclusion.
A happy ending if you will,
I’m sorry.
Okay so then when you figure that out
then you're going to put the final slice of the sammich
because if you don't have a final slice
you've got an open face sandwich
no one wants an open face sandwich well, sometimes you do.
But in this case you don't.
So, what's the last slice of the sandwich
I’m going to make this really easy for you,
it's the same as the first slice of the sandwich.
Agreeing with something that she said in the discussion
or validating her feelings
about something in the discussion
or minimally some kind of appreciation
for something you like about her,
it might be as simple as a thank you for discussing this with me
or I love you
or we're good
or it might be a hug now you don't want to open with a hug
because you're tense at the beginning
because you haven't resolved anything,
but once you get to the end of the discussion
even if you haven't actually resolved it
and you've agreed to come back and discuss it further later
you can end with potentially
a hug if that works for your relationship
and you'll have to decide.
Now, if you follow this strategy three steps
love sammich strategy
you should feel closer in the end
you should feel like you want
to help the other person get what they want.
Because you know you're not going to
have to compromise yourself either
and then you might even get some
dynamite bonus makeup ***.
Now, remember there's a big difference
between manipulation and positive persuasion
manipulation means one person is winning
at the cost of the other person.
Positive persuasion means
both people are winning
and not feeling taken advantage of
because they're not taken advantage of.
Speaking of which as promised
when to walk away
sometimes resolving conflict
with an angry woman
isn't worth it.
What? I know true story.
If she is really damaged good,
emotionally damaged
and or just testing you
then don't use
the love sammich
because if you do
you will just end up
looking weak in her eyes
and she'll take further advantage of you
or she'll test you even more
to see where your backbone is
because if she can't find it
no respect equals no *** arousal.
So, how do you know if it's a test
or if she's really serious?
Well, you definitely want to watch my video on
is it a test or is she really serious?
10 signs these 10 tips are crucial
for your relationship success
because unless you know them
things can go terribly wrong
and you could miss out on a great relationship
or you could end up playing into the
wrong woman's hands and get badly hurt.
But when you know them
you'll be able to dodge the real bullets
and find your special sweetheart
or know if the woman you're with
is a special sweetheart.
So, watch that video now
thanks for being here
and God bless.
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