Who they are as an expression of what they value most.
If we don't take the time to find out what they value most,
we're not likely to have a real powerful art of communicating.
Hi, I'm Dr. John Demartini.
Have you ever been in a conversation with somebody and you thought you
understood what they had to say,
and you didn't hear what they really were saying and then you got into a kind of
a bickering fight about what it is that you both were trying to communicate,
and you had a miscommunication? Most likely you have.
And you probably seen people sometimes at a restaurant where one person's
talking and the other one's ignoring it.
And then they turn around and the other one person talks to the other one
ignores it, and they're having alternating monologues, not really a dialogue.
So in your life communication, the art of communication is,
is foremost essential to be able to have a fulfilled life. Imagine,
you have children that you're going to communicate with, spouses,
you're gonna have people at work, employees, customers,
you're going to have people of all different walks in your social life that
you're going to be having a dialogue with and communicate.
But a lot of miscommunication goes on because we make assumptions and we
assume that people really understand us, and we assume that we're listening.
So I'd like to talk about the art of communication here and some fundamentals of
it that could enhance the results that you have with your life.
Because the first thing I want you to get is that every human being wants to be
loved and appreciated for who they are.
And just to let that sink in a second.
Every human being wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are.
I've asked thousands of people as I've traveled the world,
'How many of you want to be loved and appreciated for who they are?' And every
hand goes up immediately. So in the process of doing that,
now let's ask who are people? Who are they?
And you'll find out that every human being has a set of priorities,
a set of values in their life that they live by,
and whatever's highest on their value, their identity revolves around.
So in my case, my highest value is teaching,
my identity revolves around teacher.
Somebody else's highest values may be raising children and their identity is a
mother. Somebody else may be social causes. Some other people's spiritual,
some fitness. Whatever you value most,
your identity revolves around most and you identify by that and you want to be
loved and appreciated for that. So whenever you're communicating,
if you're not communicating in what they value, they're not listening.
They tune out, they become disengaged. You see this in schools,
teachers are presenting information that have nothing to do with a child's
highest values,
the child's disengaged and then they end up being labeled disabled,
learning disabled, attention deficit, defiant disorder.
They put labels on them, because of poor communication.
They're not caring enough to communicate what is needing to be said in terms of
the child's values. In this case,
if we don't care enough about somebody to find out what they value,
we're likely to have miscommunication. So I'd like to think about this.
If you self-righteously think that your values are more important than somebody
else's, you'll talk down to them - carelessly.
If you minimize yourself and exaggerate them and think their values are more
important than you, you'll basically talk up to them - carefully.
But if you have equal sets of values and you honor what they value,
and you honor what you value,
you have a communication that's between them caringly.
And by the way caring is what keeps the rings on the finger.
And so what's interesting is, that's a communication that's with equity,
nobody's above or below the other one.
So if you put people on pedestals or put people in pitch,
your communication drops,
but if you keep people across from each other and see them as somebody that's in
a state of equity with you, you have the greatest communication.
So how do we do that? Well, here's a great question. First,
you want to go online to my Demartini Method for Value Determination on my
website, dr.demartini.com
and go do the value determination process for yourself. That's crucial.
You need to know what you value.
Then you want to care enough about other people that you're going to be doing
business with, or raising children or loved ones or whatever,
and take the time to find out what they value.
Find out what's important to them,
because if you can't see what they're dedicated to is serving you,
you're going to want to fix them and change them and they're going to feel
alienated and they're not going to want to listen.
And if you're not caring about yourself and you're not understanding what your
value, the same thing in reverse can occur.
So you want to make sure that you find out what you value and hopefully find out
what the people that you're going to communicate with value,
could be your children, it could be your spouse, it could be your employees,
et cetera.
If you don't take the time to do the value determination process on yourself and
hopefully help them do that on them,
for the sake of learning how to more effectively communicate,
I've actually gone up to people and said, you know,
I really would love to be able to be more effective in my communication with you
so we don't have miscommunications and we have more of a loving relationship and
caring relationship.
I'd like to go through a value determination process with you to help me
understand what you value most.
Because if I understand what you value and I can see how it helps me get what I
want, I won't want to fix you, I'll want to just love and communicate with you.
So one of the greatest questions you can ask,
once you determine the values of them and yourself,
is how specifically is what they're dedicated to, their highest values,
what's most important to them,
how specifically is it helping you get what you want, your highest values?
And if you answer that, the more answers you answer that question to,
the more you're gonna appreciate who they are, and what they are,
what they stand for, and how it's helping you. And when you do,
you treat them differently, you respect them. If you then turn around and ask,
how specifically is what you're dedicated to helping them fulfill what they're
dedicated to, your top three values helping them in their top three values.
Again, you're going to now have new information to be able to articulate and
communicate in a way where they're going to listen,
because now you're seeing how it's helping them.
And if you can see how they're helping you and you're helping them,
you have more equity.
But if you see how what you have is more important than what they have,
and you don't see how what they're doing is helping you get what you want,
you're going to want to fix them. And I see this undermining,
and that's what leads to the alternating monologues and the miscommunication.
Let me give you an example.
I had the opportunity many years ago to work with a couple,
the husband came to my primary signature program, the Breakthrough Experience.
Afterwards, he was just inspired by the program and he said, 'God,
I wish my wife had been here'. He says,
is there any way you could do a private session with my wife and teach her some
of the principles of the Breakthrough?
Cause I want her to go with me to the next level program with you and there's no
other Breakthrough between then, can you do a private session?' I said, 'I can,
but it has to be this Tuesday.' So literally he sent his wife up to New York,
went to the Plaza hotel. I was living in Trump tower at the time.
I walked over to the Plaza hotel Tuesday morning, met with her at eight o'clock.
And I spent the entire day with her there in the hotel room helping her break
through some things and learn some things in
the Breakthrough and one of them was about communication.
And so I asked her a simple question, 'Your husband,
what are the top three values of your husband?
What is he dedicated to most?' And she said, 'Business,
building wealth and golf and cars.
Those are the really the top four things.' I said,
'And what are your top values?
What is your life demonstrating?' I went through the value determination
process. We determined what the really,
the highest value is for him and her were. And she said family,
health of the family, education of the family and extended family,
and then really kind of house, but it really represented family to her.
So he was definitely focused on business. She was definitely focused on house,
which is not an uncommon thing. It's still a bit of gender specific,
but it's what they both had. Then I asked her a question, 'Okay,
now that we know what he's dedicated and know what you're dedicated to,
how specifically is what he's dedicated to focusing on business,
building his wealth and going golfing,
which is actually to help his business and getting fancy cars,
which is also helping show that he's successful in business,
how's it helping you raise your family and helping you with the house and
helping you with the kids' education and health?' And she goes, 'It's not,
that's what the problem is. He's always working. He doesn't even know the kids,
doesn't see the kids. So it's interfering with it.' And I said,
'Hold on a minute. I didn't ask what's the problem with it.
I asked how does it helping you with what you value most?' She said,
'It's not.' And I said, 'Well, if you don't see how it's helping you,
you're going to want to change him. You're going to want to fix him.
You're going to talk down to him. You're going to bitch at him.' And she says,
'Well, that's what's happening.' And I said, 'So answer the question.
How's what he's doing,
helping you?' And so she started writing down some of the benefits and I asked
her some really kind of straightforward ones that she was overlooking.
'You have a beautiful house?' 'Yes.' 'A 6,000 square foot home,
three car garage beautiful house, beautiful furniture,
beautiful landscaping, got private to education.
Is that have something to do with him working?' 'Well yeah,
but that's expected.' I said, 'I understand,
but is his working and his dedication to work,
is that helping you get what you want and having a beautiful home and beautiful
education for your your kids?' She goes,
'Yes.' And I sat and I asked her how specifically is his work
and his building wealth and his golf and his cars,
helping her get what she wants.
And I made her do that for about an hour and a half. And I mean,
we went through just dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens of benefits to her
until she got tears in her eyes, just tears in her eyes. She goes,
'I really didn't,
I've been so cruel to him because I haven't seen how he's really,
what he's done has served me. I'm just I'm really heart opened right now.
I realize he does a lot for me that I've been taken for granted,
haven't appreciated.' 'Great. Now let's do it in reverse.
How has you dedicating your life to your children and your family and beautiful
house, and everything, how's it helping him in his business?' She goes,
'I have no idea.' I said, 'Well, if you can't see it,
you're not gonna be able to sell to him what's important to you.' 'Well,
I don't know.' I said, 'Well, you having a beautiful house like that,
does he come home,
does that make him feel that he's got a lovely environment like that?' 'Well,
yes.' 'Does that help him rest at night and then have good health and make him
go to work more efficiently?'
'Yes.' 'And do you ever have functions at the house where you have people from
business coming to the house and by him seeing a stable family and stable kids
and a beautiful place like that,
do they feel more secure in doing business with him?' And she says, 'Well,
definitely.' I said, 'Does that help him make money?' She goes,
'I never thought about that.' She liked that part.
And I made her go in and find out dozens and dozens and dozens of benefit of
what she's dedicated is serving her. Once she got through,
again she got tears in her eyes and she realized 'My God,
I just can't believe that I've been devaluing myself and exaggerating myself all
at the same time.
And I ended up being exaggerating him and also building him up at the same time.
I've had sort of a schizophrenic viewpoint of my own husband.
I've been having emotions all over the place, dealing with.' I said, 'Yeah.
And when you're speaking, you're talking down to him at some times,
and other times he's speaking talking down to you.' 'So, well,
that's what's happening. We're having miscommunication.' I said, 'Well great,
right now,
can you see that what he's dedicated to is serving you and what you're dedicated
to is serving him?' She goes, 'Absolutely.' I said, 'Great. We'll go to lunch.
We'll come back from lunch and I'm going to practice now the communication.' And
so what we did is we came back in the afternoon,
and spent the entire afternoon doing sort of a sales training program.
The sale,
remember selling is caring and caring is communicating what you have to value to
in terms of what other people have as value.
And so we basically trained her on different scenarios of whatever she wanted to
get done, whatever she wanted to do,
how to communicate it in a way where he would get what he wants in the process.
So she came to him and she would ask him things like 'Honey,
I noticed that there's a magazine that's on golf coming up,
and there's a golf tournament. I know you always want to go there.
It just happens to be on the same weekend that there's a big sale on in London.
And I'd like to fly over to London.
There's a special discount on flights I was able to find,
I can go over to London and actually purchase a lot of things for the house that
is needed. And I get a discount because of the sale. I can to see the family.
I can see the grandparents,
my kids have some fun going and seeing their grandparents,
in the process of doing it, it's the time you're away anyway. And by doing that,
I can save you money.
I won't be bitching at you and I'll let you go and do what you want.
And I get to do what I want.' And he goes, 'Aaah, sure honey, well, thank you.
Here's the credit card.' And as we were going through and showing her how to do
this, she was like going, 'Oh, this is kind of fun.
I'm helping him get what he wants by me getting what I want,
because I've now taken the time to care enough,
to find out what is really valuable to him and communicate what's valuable to me
in terms of it. And that is very powerful.
So instead of having alternating monologues, now I have a dialogue.
I can speak in such a way where I'm being fulfilled,
but in a way where they are listening, because they're getting fulfilled.
Because people tune out if they don't feel they're getting out of value
anything. And so I trained her on how to do that.
We spent the afternoon doing that. I left, went back to Trump tower.
She ended up leaving the next day, going back to where she was, which is Ohio.
And I got a letter from him shortly after. And he says,
'I don't know what you did with my wife in that hotel room, but whatever it is,
wow, what a difference.
My wife and I are now in a whole nother level of communication.
So thank you for whatever you did.' And what I did is I trained him,
trained her, how to get whatever she wanted from him in terms of his values.
And he was thankful. So if you want to have the art of communication,
you want to care enough about another individual to find out what they value,
find out how it serves you.
Because if you don't see how their values and what they're dedicated is serving
you, you're going to talk down to them. And when people feel talked down to,
they shut down and they withdraw and then they get challenged and they get
attacked and they want to talk down to you. That doesn't work.
But if you actually find out how what they do serves you and what you do serves,
then you have a higher probability of alternating monologues turned into
dialogues and the dialogue is what keep the ring on the finger and keep the
relationship going. Whether it's with your children, believe it or not,
when you're trying to get them to engage in school,
if they can't see how the classes they're taking are helping them fulfill what
they value, they shut down. Then they have problems in school.
So you might want to talk to the teacher about communicating what the teacher
wants to teach in terms of the children's values.
You may want to inspire them according to their values. And the same thing in
employees or the same thing in customers or the same thing in friends.
If you don't take the time to care enough, to find out what they are,
you would never want to go and sell to a customer without first establishing a
need. First, introducing yourself, gaining some rapport, establishing a need,
confirming the need, and then you offer something.
But what happens is so often we just assume we're right. We make projections,
assumptions about what they need instead of actually meeting what their needs
are and finding out what they really value. Remember,
people want to be loved and appreciated for who they are,
and who they are is an expression of what they value most.
If we don't take the time to find out what they value most,
were not likely to have a real powerful art of communicating.
And we'll end up with alternating monologues, not dialogues,
and we'll be into frustrating instead of actually communicating.
So I just wanted to share that because I know it can make a difference in the
communication process and it may make a difference in your relationship or your
children or your social life, or your business, your wealth,
almost every aspect of your life is impacted by it,
nobody gets anything done without somebody selling or communicating with
somebody else.
[Inaudible].
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