- My generation is supposed to be grown up and mature now.
(audience laughing)
I represent the millennials,
perhaps you've seen our Instagram pages.
(audience cheering)
Yeah, we cheer for ourselves, we're the worst.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
♪ I used to make fun of the boomers ♪
♪ In retrospect a bit too much ♪
♪ Now all these fucking Zoomers ♪
♪ Are telling me that I'm out of touch ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ Well your fucking phones are poisoning your minds, okay ♪
- And I'm in my thirties,
I'm in a fun spot, you know?
'Cause I get to watch old people and young people fight.
"These boomers are clueless."
"Gen Z's entitled", ah, you know?
I watched my grandfather, my nephew, go at it.
They hate each other, but yet they're so similar.
It's fascinating.
My grandpa's like, "You kids are soft.
I was shot at in Vietnam."
My nephew's like, "I was shot at in homeroom."
(audience laughing)
He's like, "Whatever, you kids are pussies.
You can't even eat a peanut."
He's like, "Screw you grandpa, I eat ass."
(audience applauding)
- Asian weddings for baby boomers,
Asian baby boomers,
it was the original Instagram.
Okay? (audience laughing)
It is how they catch up with everybody.
It's how they get the likes.
It's how they get the dopamine hit, right?
It's how they leave comments,
"Why so skinny? Why so fat?
Why aren't you married?
Why don't you have a baby?
What's wrong with your balls?"
(audience laughing)
They say shit to your face
that reviewers on the internet wouldn't say.
(audience laughing)
- Let me tell you some,
my favorite question when I go to a restaurant
is when a waiter asks me,
"Ma'am, do you have any food sensitivities?"
I can't fucking laugh hard enough.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "No boo boo. No.
(laughing)
(snorting) No, I don't.
I have zero
sensitivities
to anything fucking ever
because I'm Generation X."
(audience applauding)
Yeah, I'm Gen X man.
I grew up playing on scorching hot metal monkey bars
in the middle of summer.
(audience laughing)
And when I fell, it wasn't onto foam or mulch,
I fell onto a dead hobo.
(audience laughing)
Yes, I grew up swimming in the LA River.
It's not a river, it's a sewer.
(audience laughing)
And back in the day, everyone got bullied.
Everyone got bullied.
- [Audience Member] Yeah.
- And then when you went home and told your parents about it
they would bully you for not standing up for your self.
(audience applauding)
- These last six years, Holy shit.
I was in such a panic in 2016
and all the subsequent years,
"What the hell's going on?
Oh my God, is America coming to an end?"
No. You know what?
It isn't.
It's bad right now
but everything that's happening
is supposed to be happening right now.
Do you know what 2016 was?
It was the Boomers' last temper tantrum.
(audience cheering) That's what that was.
The boomers last temper tantrum.
Every time a generation gets old
they panic because death is scary and gross.
And they put someone shitty in the White House
before they go.
This has happened before,
The greatest generation.
The greatest generation, oh my God,
fought the Nazis, saved the world from tyranny,
came back, built the suburbs, raised the baby boomers.
Then they started getting old,
hair turned gray, dick didn't work anymore.
Hemorrhoids and hysterectomies.
And they panicked.
Now it's the late seventies,
punk music, they don't know what's going on.
"Fuck this. Put the old cowboy movie actor
in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!.
(audience laughing)
I was here God dammit!".
(audience applauding)
Then the baby boomers grew up.
Think of the baby boomers,
they were on the cutting edge of
sex, rock and roll, rebellion.
They owned youth.
And then they got fucking old.
(audience laughing)
And their hair got gray
and their dick stopped working.
Hemorrhoids and hysterectomies,
Fucking Gen X and Gen Z
making fun of them on Twitter and TikTok.
It's all this hip hop music they don't understand.
Now they're real, "Oh my God, I'm about to die.
What the fuck is going on?
You know what?
Put the racist game show host in the White House.
Yeah, fuck you!
I was here."
- Because if you are my age or just right around my age,
very like maybe 78 to 80,
you might realize, or maybe you don't know,
I've never been called a millennial or generation X.
I've never even really heard any of those terms growing up.
And so now you hear them all the time.
So I looked it up to try to say, I was like, "What am I?".
And I'm technically nothing.
I'm on a cusp.
I'm a generation gap.
And what we are called, xennials,
or we called the Oregon Trail generation
or we are called, my favorite name is the lucky ones.
(audience laughing)
And it's true, we're very lucky.
We actually grew up in two different worlds.
When I was a kid, I grew up like it was the fifties,
like you would go outside
and your parents just didn't know where you were.
We went to school
and played Oregon Trail on a computer at school.
No one had a computer at home,
it's like, "What are you a zillionaire?"
Like, I mean you could... (audience laughing)
But then in high school I had AOL.
You know, we had a computer at home,
then I got a beeper and then I got a cell phone.
I didn't have social media until I was 26 with MySpace.
You know, I mean, social media,
like whatever I did in high school is a rumor,
it can't ruin my life.
(audience laughing)
So if you're around my age,
you might realize like,
you just end up always kind of being in the middle.
Like, I understand when a Gen Xer says something,
you're like, "I get it".
The millennial says something, you're like, "Oh, I get it".
You always just feel in the middle.
And these groups all hate each other.
And the most I've ever felt where I was in the middle
was just this one hotel that I stayed at.
So a lot of hotels now, they have Chromecast
and you can watch like Netflix in your hotel room.
So I'm watching...
I get in my room and I turn it on
and my Chromecast is not working.
So I called down to the front desk
and the oldest voice I ever heard answered the phone.
This guy was a Civil War survivor,
I mean he... (audience laughing)
He was the age where you just go,
"Thank you for your service."
And it's like, "Was he in the Army?"
You're like, "Probably, man".
I mean there's an age where like,
they all had to go at that age, so just say it.
So I tell him, I go, "Hey, my Chromecast is not working".
And I could have just made up a word,
I mean he's never heard of that.
I could have said, "My beat bop broke".
I mean... (audience laughing)
He asked if I was staying at that hotel, that's how...
He goes, "Are you staying here?".
I was like, "Do you think I've called
a front desk from a different hotel room?".
(audience laughing)
So he goes, "Look, I don't know what this is
but there's a younger guy here,
I'm going to send him up. He'll be able to help you."
And I was like, "Great."
So that guy comes up and he knocks on my door,
I open it, he's my dad's age.
And I mean, right when I see him,
you're like all right dude, we don't have to do this.
You know, I was, I mean...
I know you've heard of it,
but if I can't fix it,
you're not going to be able to fix it.
But he's the generation that still wants to give it a try.
So, (audience laughing)
I got to let him in.
So he comes in, comes in my room, sits on my bed,
a little too far back I thought.
(audience laughing)
I just remember like
the back of his calf for touching the bed.
And I was like, "Are your feet dangling?
How far back are you going to go?"
(audience laughing)
"Are you cold? Do you want some covers, man?"
(audience laughing)
He gets the remote
and just starts pressing all the buttons.
And I said, "I don't know if that's going to do it."
And he goes, "Let's just keep trying it though."
And I go, "All right,
I'm going to turn the shower on,
open a window, let's try everything.
You know, let's just see,
maybe it turns on, who knows, maybe it's all connected."
(audience laughing)
So we can't get it.
And he goes, "All right."
He goes, "There's a younger guy,
he's about to come to work".
And at this point I'm like, I'm the younger guy, man.
I was like, "Don't, it's all right dude, I don't need it."
And he goes, "No, no, no, it's a millennial."
And I was like, "All right, now we're getting somewhere",
you know?
This is what the millennial does,
he was born with technology.
He's going to know how to fix this. I was excited.
I was like, "Great".
He goes, "He comes to work in an hour."
I go, "Wonderful."
And let me tell you,
you know how quick that millennial fixed it?
Well, I'll never know,
'cause he just didn't come to work that night, so.
(audience applauding)
Didn't call in, nothing.
And I found out 'cause the old guy called me,
'cause he was supposed to fill in for him.
He was furious, dude,
like he hates that millennial.
- Speaking of Gen Z, is there any Gen Z in here? Any?
(audience cheering)
All right, round of applause if you are over the age of 25.
(audience cheering)
Nice, my people.
Round of applause if you are under the age of 25.
(audience cheering)
I'm glad you're all here.
(audience laughing)
I'll take it on behalf of everybody over the age of 25
to finally say to everyone under 25,
Fuck Gen Z! (audience laughing)
We don't like you!
I'm a millennial yo, I thought we were bad.
Yet we had opinions.
No one gave a fuck.
Everyone under 25, y'all got opinions
and y'all want everyone to know them
and you want everybody to change for you.
Yeah, everyone under the age of 25 is like,
"I know I just got here in 1997,
(audience laughing)
but you're doing it wrong. All right?
Listen to me, okay? I read a book and wrote a blog.
All right? Listen to me.
I've never signed a lease, but listen, okay?"
I hate it, man.
Like millennials, we were progressive,
we did progressive shit,
but we didn't lead like that, you know?
It was just like, "Yo, man, why you doing that?
That shits hard."
(audience laughing)
That was it, "Yo, why you wearing that? That shits dope."
(audience laughing) That's all we needed.
Ask anybody under the age of 25
why they're doing anything.
Like, "Hey man, why are you wearing that shirt?"
"Uh, clothing's my outlet."
Yo, shut the fuck up please, please.
(audience laughing)
Please shut up, please, please, please, please, please.
Talk about anybody under the age of 25
with a Twitter account, fuck you, all right?
- I feel like Gen Z is incredible
and I don't believe that they're just on TikTok,
I think they're wicked.
They're out there, they're doing stuff.
They're like, you know, protesting climate change
and dismantling rigid gender binaries.
Like what was I doing?
I was like slithering around being like,
"Does anyone have any acid?"
(audience laughing)
- My generation is supposed to be grown up and mature now.
I represent the millennials,
perhaps you've seen our Instagram pages.
(audience cheering)
Yeah, we cheer for ourselves. We're the worst.
(audience laughing)
We did it!
I'll will say this as the Lorax of my generation,
mustache, we
didn't ask to be spoiled,
our parents loved us and they gave us everything.
That's the job of the generation prior,
to give the next generation a better world than they had.
So I'm going to apologize to my grandkids
for the radioactive ball of foil and diet Coke
that they're going to inherit from us.
But that's what the people before you do.
And I believe
that this wave of entitlement started with our grandparents.
Our grandparents were called the greatest generation
and I believe that they were,
they selflessly gave
and they made this country the idea of America
that a lot of us miss.
White people, the rest of us,
it was horrible for most of them, okay?
But in general, (audience laughing)
the main points of it, okay?
Your grandparents had to fight,
they had no choice.
Grandpa had to fight in World War II.
Grandpa was straight up drissafted, okay?
He had no choice.
And when he came home from the war
all he wanted to do was have a family, have a job,
be like a little racist, and live the American dream.
That's it. (audience laughing)
He fought, he got right to work.
It's not like guys today who'd be like,
"Oh I just want to backpack around Oregon and find myself."
No! (audience laughing)
And they're allowed to say that
because, whether you like them or not,
our military does such a good job
of defending us on a day-to-day basis.
(audience cheering)
And I know that TSA blows,
but they do such a good job
that you're allowed to mentally check out.
Like if you don't like the war going on right now,
unlike it on Facebook.
(audience applauding)
You're allowed to do that,
there was no concerted effort,
you didn't have to fight.
My point is there was no day
we all gathered in our town squares
and threw our iPhones into the center
so the military could use the scrap metal.
"What's this? A droid?
Take it back freak." We didn't have that.
(audience laughing)
And I think it's difficult to conceive of a world
where you have to sacrifice so much
and to understand what our grandparents did
because now they're old
and you look at them and when you think old,
what do you think? Cute, right?
Your grandparents are cute,
'cause they're tiny, shrinking every year.
Pick them up, put them down, they don't like it.
Sprinkle water, get it off me.
They don't like it.
(audience laughing)
And the whiter you are, the greater a chance there is
that you've developed some weird
pejorative kitten like nickname for your grandfather.
Oh, it's not grandpa anymore,
it's like, "This is my Nim Nam."
(audience laughing)
"This is my Yippers."
"This is my Pip Pop."
And Pip Pop doesn't give a fuck,
he's like, "I was a prisoner of war for six years,
call me Pip Pop, I've had worse."
(audience applauding)
"Oh my God you guys, my Pip Pop is so cute.
Oh my God Pip Pop, he's so cute.
You guys, sometimes at Christmas
when Pip Pop falls asleep
we like to decorate him with Christmas bows.
Isn't that funny? Silly Pip Pop."
Pip Pop's got 53 confirmed kills.
(audience cheering)
Don't think for a second
Pip Pop doesn't remember how to repurpose that Christmas bow
around your neck to get the intel that he needs out of you.
Sit the fuck down Colton, Caleb, Ashton, Crashton, Cranber,
whatever your fucking hipster name is, sit down!
(audience laughing)
Pip Pop came home from the war
and then they had our parents,
our parents are called the baby boomers.
They're called the baby boomers
'cause Pip Pop came home from Normandy
and he was like, "Oh, I'm not dead.
Boom Gladys, let's fuck."
And then... (audience laughing)
The baby boomers, ask your parents,
were the first generation,
they were allowed to be artists on a mass scale.
You didn't have to work on your family business.
You could go out, you could take drugs, rock and roll,
you could do and be what you wanted to be
out in the big city.
And then the baby boomers had Generation X
and I don't care about them because I'm a millennial.
We showed up, got a trophy for breathing
and then we invented Instagram.
(audience applauding)
- I should say,
I do like to do all my historical women as millennials.
(audience laughing)
Like it's just more fun to do history that way.
Like all the women on the Titanic would've been like,
"It's so annoying the boat sunk."
(audience laughing)
"Like how do you not see an iceberg?"
(audience laughing)
That had to be the main discussion
on all of the life boats, right?
It was just a bunch of women being like,
"So you just didn't see it?"
(audience laughing)
"Isn't that like literally his whole job?"
(audience laughing)
"This is the most random ocean."
(audience laughing)
- Now everything's about kids.
Everything's about what the kids are learning.
"What are they learning, the kid,
what are they teaching children?"
My parents are boomers,
they could not have given a fuck less
about what I learned ever.
My father walked me to the bus stop
on my first day of school,
I said, "What school am I going to?"
He goes, "Oh I don't know son, ah..."
And then walked away.
(audience laughing)
- These kids got it good though.
15 year old kid, man, my son has no idea,
he has no idea how good he's got it.
These fucking millennials.
Millennials, is that what they're called?
These here millennial, Gen X, millennial.
Pussies. (audience laughing)
Is that what they're called, pussies or pussies?
All of them pussies.
If there's 15 year olds in here,
you're a fucking pussy, all of you.
(audience laughing)
Fucking...
Right? Am I fucking right?
They complain, you can't yell at them,
they'll say something, you'll get in trouble.
They'll go, "Oh my God, my mom yelled at me
and I'm so scared to go to the house
'cause my mom yelled at me,"
Man, go fuck yourself. Are you kidding me?
(audience laughing)
You're scared to go home 'cause your mom yelled at...
That's all my mom did was yell at me.
That was the only language my mom spoke was yell.
"Huh?
What?
Say it again.
(audience laughing) Say it again.
Say it! What did you say, Joseph?
What did you say? Turn around.
Turn around, Joseph."
(faking crying) (audience laughing)
That's the only language my mom talked,
yell, "Huh?
When? When did you do it?
Where? Where did you go?
Huh?
What?
Did you lose your lunchbox?"
I remember when I lost my lunchbox one time,
Holy shit. (audience laughing)
That's how my mom disciplined, through the,
she never like physically touched,
she verbally attacked you,
that's when she went after you.
She'd break you down in words.
Interrogation. Two and a half hours of yelling.
"What? Where's your lunchbox, Joseph?
Where did you put it?"
"I don't know."
(audience laughing)
"What do you mean you don't know? Where?
Where did you go?
You go from house to school, school to house.
Where the fuck did you lose it?
(audience laughing)
What, you just take your lunchbox, put it anywhere.
Oh, I don't know where.
I don't know where anything is.
I don't know where.
Where's your lunchbox Joseph?
Where? Where did you put it?"
"I don't, I don't know."
Then she'll just repeat what I said in a stupid voice.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)