Hey.
This is Clayton and Jack.
And we decide to flip on the camera and talk about if you fear getting hurt in relationship
or in dating as a woman, here's what to do.
This is a really common problem.
We see this happen with a number of our coaching clients.
You fear getting hurt in relationships that you hold back, and maybe it kills the chemistry,
and it really just stops any possibility of a new relationship form.
Yes.
Totally.
It sounds like you had a little bit of experience of this in a recent seminar that you did and
it was pretty profound, so do you want to share some of that?
Yes.
Totally.
Yes.
The first thing you want to say is understanding what's going on more clearly might be helpful,
right?
So, the reason that you're containing or constraining yourself and holding parts of yourself back
is that probably at some time in the past that was a good strategy for staying safe.
And it may even be that there were people in your past who could not be with all of
you, right?
Who kind of rewarded or punished you based on which part of you that you brought back.
So, that's a good strategy for keeping you kind of safe but it's a poor strategy for
intimacy because intimacy is about bringing more and more of you to the other person.
Revealing more and more of these different parts.
So, if you've if you've had difficulty in this territory one of the things that you
might be able to reframe and kind of take a newer bigger perspective is that if you
want to attract the right kind of man into your life, the right kind of man will be able
to be with all of you.
The right kind of man is not gonna say, “Yes.
I want this part of you and that part of you but I actually don't want the part of you
that gets angry, or I don't want the part of you that gets sad, or the part of you that
gets moody or sulky or whatever it is.”
Just pause right there because what you're saying is incredibly profound.
And it's this idea that I mean, how many of you watching this video have the feeling like
you've got to be somebody else in order to find love, right?
How many of you feel like you've got to be someone different that you've got to cut off
parts of yourself because in order for you to deserve the type of relationship that you
want, you need to somehow conform into what you think people want rather than actually
being yourself?
I mean this is a common human…
It’s huge.
I mean we're all gonna probably do it at some level but to some of you this is like one
of the main things that's happening for you in relationship.
It's a way of being a pleaser or a part of it, right?
You're trying to sense, “Well what does this other person want?
What do they approve of?
So, I'm gonna display myself that way, and I'm gonna do a little dance.
And I'm actually gonna hide all these certain parts of me because I don't think you really
can be with that so, I'm gonna keep that to myself.
I'm probably over time I will even ignore and rejected in myself.”
So, not only is there an intimacy here but there's probably not intimacy happening within
me because I'm kind of rejecting those things.
And what's wild about that is when you start to engage in this dance this dynamic that
Jack's talking about here, how you'll know you're doing it?
Is you start to resent the person that you're with.
You start to resent the person you're with because you feel like you can't be yourself
and somehow you start outsourcing the blame onto them thinking, “I can't be myself in
this relationship.”
And then the relationship inevitably ends because you can only not be yourself for so
long before it becomes so exhausting you've got to get out.
Yes.
Or be completely kind of stagnant, right?
And that would probably include your emotional connection, your sexual connection, because
probably you've kind of locked up your heart to some extent locked up your emotions because
you don't think it's possible to express those things.
So, if this is happening to you what can you do?
Yes.
That's a great question.
And I think that you really touched on it when you said that the right guy the right
man for you is going to be able to accept all of you.
And you know I can point in the direction, and you know help me with this, and it's in
essence don't be afraid to bring your emotional experience to the table with your guy.
Don't be afraid to bring how you feel to your man because rather than seen it is something
where, “Okay.
Wait a second.
He might leave me if I express how I really feel.
He might leave me if he thinks that I'm an emotional mess or thinks I'm crazy.”
I would say it's actually the contrary.
I would say that in many ways men are incredibly moved and inspired and turned on by a woman
that is able to take full ownership of her emotions.
Now granted, there may be some drama that ends up happening.
There may be a confrontation that happens, but ultimately, I believe that people get
into relationship because they want to experience more of life, not because they want to experience
less of life.
And emotions are the gateway to life.
So, by you being able to bring your life who you are on the inside into the relationship,
you by way end up experiencing more life in the relationship and he does as well and that
becomes an experience that you can't replace.
That becomes an incredibly authentic place where if you are yourself in the relationship,
he gets permission to be himself in the relationship and neither of you are then holding back out
of fear of hurting the other person.
Out of fear of offending them because sometimes in a relationship you're gonna offend that
your partner.
Yes.
You've got to have the ability to impact the other person and to hurt the other person
and to be hurt yourself.
And you might not like hearing that, “Oh wow, I've got to open myself up to being hurt,”
and there'll be good reasons where you don't want to do that.
But you're not in a real relationship with someone if you can't influence and hurt each
other, right?
That's just the all wrapped up in there.
Right.
It’s the yin and the yang.
The dark and the light.
It's a package deal that comes along with love.
Yes.
Totally.
So, if this is of interest to you one of the things you may want to deepen your understanding
of is two specific archetypes that we described clearly in webinar that we have called the
Three Keys to Finding and Keeping A High Quality Man.
And these archetypes of places where people often hide the parts of themselves that they
think the other person can’t be with.
So, if this is territory that's important for you and your love life, I would really
encourage you to join us on this webinar.
It's free.
It's super easy.
It shows up more than one time in your time zone.
You just got to click the link below this video, find that time that works for you and
join us because it's really important to unlocking your love life.
Absolutely.
We will see you there.
Go ahead and click the link below this video and pick a time that works for you.