I was vacationing on Cape Cod because I'm white.
And...
I was at this seafood restaurant, right?
And this guy came over to our table.
Wasn't even our waiter. He came over to the table.
He was like, "Hey, I couldn't help..."
I don't know how to do the Boston accent.
"You're not eating lobster.
Is there a reason why you're not eating lob-stah?"
And I was like, "Uh, I thought I'd order what I want.
I wasn't really in the mood for bug meat."
Because that's what shellfish are.
They're just creepy-crawly, giant insects
on the bottom of the ocean.
You know fish are swimming around like,
"We got to get an exterminator up in this piece."
They're bugs. They have a shell like a bug.
They have spindly legs and crawl around like a bug.
They have antennae like a monster.
They're probably monsters.
Like, if you went home and you saw a chicken in your house,
you'd be like, "What the hell's a chicken doing in my house?"
But if you saw a lobster, you'd be like, "We're moving."
Because there's not a nickel's worth of difference
between a lobster and a giant scorpion.
Now, I understand everyone loves lobster, "I love lobster."
Hey, I like butter too, OK?
How can I eat three sticks of butter?
Well, I found this giant, swimming sea scorpion.
It's just a spoonful of butter helps the bug meat go down.
In the most delightful way.
Lobster tail.
Is that the area near the butt? Mmm.
That's what I want, a little turf and bug butt.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
How about those restaurants where you have to pick out your own lobster?
You're like, "I guess I'll take that one
that's really struggling with the rubber bands.
He seems appealing. Why don't we boil him to death?"
Why am I involved in this decision?
But the Northeast? It's all shellfish.
Maryland with the crab.
Isn't it kind of a red flag you need a hammer to eat a crab?
Oh, you're having the crab?
Let me get you some tools, so you can crack open
that bug shell and get that half a bite of bug meat.
Crab, it's too much work.
They're like the pistachio of seafood.
And there's that nasty part of the crab
you're not supposed to eat. I think it's called all of it!
'Cause they're crabs, as in the sexually transmitted disease.
That has the same name because it's the exact same thing!
They're just the baby version of the dinner crab.
You know God's up in heaven going,
"What do I gotta do to stop them from eating the crabs?
I gave it a rock-hard shell.
I put it on the bottom of the ocean.
I named a disease after it.
Jesus, you're gonna have to go back down there."
[laughter and applause]
I don't even know how people
order crabs with a straight face.
"Yeah, my wife and I... You know what?
I'll get crabs, and I'll give her some.
Don't tell her. I want it to be a surprise."
Even the crab as a creature is creepy.
It always looks like it's trying to avoid an awkward situation.
"Is that... Oh, I owe that guy money. Crap."
Clams and oysters.
How did we even start eating those?
"Hey, I found a rock with a snot in it.
I was thinking of eating it."
"Go ahead."
"All right."
"What's it taste like?" "Pneumonia."
Oysters on the half shell.
As opposed to what, in a Kleenex?
Even the way you're supposed to eat an oyster...
Squeeze some lemon, a little hot sauce,
throw it down the back of your throat, take a shot of vodka,
and try and forget you ate a snot from a rock.
That's not how you eat something.
That's how you overdose on sleeping pills.
Pearls come from oysters.
Yeah, I try not to eat things that also make jewelry.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac?
Why would we ever believe that?
What do you say you and I grab some snots from a rock?
See what happens. Maybe we'll end up at my place.
Maybe we'll end up at the emergency room.
Let it happen, baby.
Clam chowder.
How can we sell more clams?
Why don't we put it in a soup that looks like vomit?
He went too far. Let's kill him.