- Now I don't want to film a subpar video
for all of you lovely people watching at home,
so I want to give this a little extra spice.
Shall we say, little extra spice
in the literal bedroom that I'm standing in.
So, as I have 37 spices,
it made me think of this article
that went viral five years ago called,
"The 36 Questions That Lead to Love."
In it, you're supposed to ask a date
36 questions and by the end,
it can prove if you should fall in love or not.
So for this video for the very first time,
you and I are going to figure out
if we're destined to (beep) or not.
(laughing)
(whip cracking)
(chiming) Question one,
given the choice of anyone in the world,
whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Well, since I am thinking about the Caribbean,
I would say Rihanna's parents
just to thank them for creating excellence.
(clapping)
I really wish Rihanna would just drop an album.
If she dropped it right now,
she would basically save me from myself.
Here's a ranking fact,
I think Rihanna's the most gorgeous human alive right now.
(whip cracking)
Would you like to be famous?
And in what way?
I would admit that yeah, as a child
I did dream of being famous,
but because of very artistic, serious creative endeavors.
Ones that would make a greater cultural impact
for similarly marginalized people.
But uh, I'm here.
(piano music)
Making a video of me eating my spice cabinet
in a sailor costume.
(tongue popping)
(loud slurping)
Before making a telephone call,
do you ever rehearse what you're going to say?
And why?
You know, I do admit that I actually rehearse
my phone calls before I make them,
not because I'm scared of calling people,
I just really, really (beep) hate
when I make grammatical errors.
Thought of a typo makes my butt hole clench.
Not in a good way.
Here I'll show, I'll demonstrate.
I'm going to have to take this phone,
going to rehearse, I will rehearse saying,
"Ned, you are an incredible father
and your baby is growing up
to be such a beautiful, young boy."
That's what I'll say.
You're an incredible father
and your baby is growing up to become
an incredible young boy.
- [Ned] Hello?
- I have Wes and he's in my basement.
- [Ned] (laughing) What?
- See, I messed up.
What would constitute a perfect day for you?
I'd say a perfect day, four things.
Eating, sleeping, (beep), succeeding.
That's it.
Wait, maybe pet a dog at some point.
Five things.
When did you last sing to yourself?
I literally just sang to myself.
Literally just did when I was talking about the Spice Girls.
Rewind the tape.
♪ Generation next ♪
If you were able to live to the age of 90
and retain either the mind or body of a 30 year old
for the last 60 years of your life,
which would you want?
Of course the mind of a 30 year old.
Like, why would I want to be
a hot person not remembering anything
and just unable to control my body?
I already have done that enough
in my life and it's called my 20s.
(cymbal clashing)
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
That's a weird question, I actually like this question.
Yes, I do, but I'm not going to say it out loud
because I am what you would call
a superstitious realist
meaning I only believe something
might come to fruition through destiny
if I put that idea out in the world myself.
So you design your own fate.
If I was to say right now that a horse
would (beep) me to death,
then probably I just literally cursed myself
to getting (beep) to death by horse.
Like, I should not have said that
and it's going to happen.
(dramatic music)
Name three things you and your partner
appear to have in common.
I think by partner,
they mean you watching at home.
I can't see you,
but I'm going to assume hair, body, face.
Because you know, if we're on a first date
I'm sure you look like a (beep) snack.
I see you out there looking like a whole ass buffet.
(moaning)
Katie.
I don't know, I just said Katie because I assume
there's lots of girls named Katie.
Hi Katie.
(woman giggling)
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
You know honestly, the ability to consume dairy.
(cow mooing)
Like, I feel so sorry for people
who are lactose intolerant
because you can't eat cheese.
That's the (beep) saddest thing I've ever heard
is not being able to eat cheese.
I mean, you could take a bus full of orphans
and a bus full of nuns
and have them careen off a cliff together
and that would be less sad
than not being able to eat cheese.
If you could change anything
about the way you were raised,
what would it be?
I need a drink for this question.
You know, when I was a little scared kid and depressed,
I would pray to God at night
that I would wake up straight.
Don't feel sorry for me, it's typical.
Now I wish I would change that everyone else was just gay.
I could then hate myself for way more valid reasons,
like how shitty a person I am.
Take four minutes and tell your partner
your life story in as much detail as possible.
(beep) that, we don't have four minutes.
I'm just going to summarize mine.
Okay, Texan. (bell dinging)
Asian. (bell dinging)
Chaos. (bell dinging)
Gay. (bell dinging)
Artist. (bell dinging)
Drunk. (bell dinging)
Existential dread. (dramatic music)
If you could wake up tomorrow having
gained any one quality or ability,
what would it be?
The power to fly.
(beep) duh.
That's the only valid answer to that question.
We'd be birds.
Birds are dope.
I can talk to birds, by the way, so.
(birds tweeting)
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth
about yourself, your life, the future,
or anything else,
what would you want to know?
I've been joking a lot so I'll say this one
with all seriousness.
I'd want to know if I actually
helped shift the ever-changing delicate spectrum
of humanity's impact on this planet
more towards the positive side.
Even if by the tiniest iota.
I should probably also ask if I'm going to die by getting
(beep) by a horse.
(horse whinnying)
Is there something that you've
dreamed of doing for a long time?
I immediately know the answer.
I desperately want tattoos.
Like, I love tattoos
and I don't have any.
I think they're gorgeous expressions of identity.
And I don't have them because my parents will kill me.
They literally said,
the gay thing is weird,
but we're going to learn how to get used to it.
But if you get a tattoo,
we're going to (beep) murder you.
- I'm right, you're wrong, stupid.
- No. (laughing)
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
(scoffing)
Do people actually do this on (beep) dates?
These are like, really invasive questions.
Of course you're going to fall in love,
you're basically condensing 10 years
of knowing someone into one (beep) interview.
Jesus (beep) tap-dancing Christ.
Okay, so I hate this question
because I feel like I actually
have so much more that I need to accomplish.
Cheers, funny, humor, comedy.
What do you value most in a friendship?
In friendship, I value someone who deep down
appreciates my dry sarcasm,
dark humor, and the occasional threat
to murder them in their sleep.
(tense music)
And another question, what is your most treasured memory?
I don't (beep) know
because I feel like the most amazing memories
I've ever made were when I wasn't sober
enough to remember them.
(slurping)
What is your most terrible memory?
(laughing)
Oh is this a follow-up from the last one.
Okay, I guess the most terrible memories
I've made were also when I wasn't
sober enough to remember them.
Like this video shoot.
(cymbals clashing)
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly,
would you change anything about
the way you are now living?
Yeah, the thing I would change
is I'd want everyone to work together
to flatten the (beep) curve.
So we can all get the (beep) out of quarantine.
What does friendship mean to you?
I don't know, I'm not in kindergarten
so this question's dumb.
It makes my butt hole clench
which is my body's way of saying
that I shouldn't dignify this with a response,
or like I'm just holding a fart.
(train whistles)
Okay, I guess friendship
is if someone found everything I just said
endearing and funny and not totally grossed out by it.
That's friendship.
Here's the next question.
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
(laughing)
Love, affection.
(somber music)
I don't really have an answer for that one.
Alternate sharing something you consider
a positive characteristic of your partner.
Share a total of five items.
So I'll just name things I would look for in a partner.
One, an inquisitive mind.
Two, a selfless heart.
And then hair, body, and face.
How close and warm is your family?
Do you feel your childhood was happier
than most other people's?
Some families are warm,
some families are cool.
Mine tends to be either fiery hot or ice cold.
I might not want to hug my family,
but I will destroy the lives of anyone
who will do them harm with my bare hands.
How do you feel about your relationship
with your mother?
I mean, of course I love my mom so much,
you've seen in videos, it's very clear.
- He's very creative, and he's smart.
- Wow.
- I'm proud of you.
- Thank you.
I think a more practical question actually is,
how I feel about your mother.
Because if I already have to deal with my mom,
why would I want to deal with yours?
Make three true "we" statements each.
For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
We are the world.
We are the children.
We are the ones who make a better day,
so let's start giving.
I don't (beep) know.
I hate that question.
Complete this sentence:
"I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
(slurping)
I wish I had someone with whom I could share
a sandwich that's too big for me
to eat in a single sitting.
I hate when that happens, but you know,
it's a type of sandwich that doesn't hold up well
in the fridge so you gotta finish it.
Like, a meatball sub.
So, I want you to share a huge meatball sub with me.
(moaning)
If you were going to become a close friend
with your partner, you,
please share what would be important
for him or her to know.
Well I am a Capricorn
and I am a Slytherin.
(dark music)
I believe that pursuing actionable solutions
to extreme wealth inequality
is imperative to mending our broken socioeconomic system,
but we keep electing rich, self-preserving assholes
who can't see past their own (beep) wallets.
So that's what I would want you to know about me.
(patriotic music)
Tell your partner, you watching at home,
what you like about them.
Be very honest this time,
saying things you might not
say to someone you've just met.
I can't see all of y'all through the screen,
but I am 99% sure that all of you
need to fix your posture right the (beep) now.
Seriously, like sit up straight,
roll your shoulders back,
maintain that through the rest of the video,
and I guarantee that I'll find you very attractive.
Isn't it weird when you hear the word "posture"
you automatically adjust your posture?
I love good posture.
I think good posture's so sexy.
(bell dinging)
When I see an erect neck, ugh, makes me erect.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
Which one, I have so many embarrassing moments,
it's hard for me to even.
One time in high school I chaffed the head of my penis
at the lake.
You know when you wear those swimsuits for guys,
that don't have netting,
it was just the head of my penis against the fabric.
So, it got chaffed and so I made a makeshift cast
out of like, napkins and tape,
just like Scotch tape.
And then it made the shape of my dick
and then it fell out of my shorts
in front of the whole class on the ground.
Just this penis shaped cast of my dick
just sitting there in front all the class
and everyone saw it.
That is an embarrassing story.
When did you last cry in front of another person?
When did you last cry by yourself?
In front of another person?
Never!
By myself, all the goddamn time.
Tell your partner something
that you like about them already.
I can't see you,
but I like that you are watching this video,
so that shows that you are committed
to watching terrible things.
Like, Tiger King, or the movie, Cats.
Or how to (beep) with cats.
Wait, holy shit.
Am I basically a cat?
Do y'all like watching me
because it's like watching a cat?
Am I entertaining on the internet
because I have cat-like qualities?
(playful music)
I have three dogs, but maybe
I'm actually just a cat who wants to dominate over dogs.
(meowing)
Is that pretty good?
Maybe I am a cat.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
You know, I particularly don't like it
when people joke about Asians like we're still in the 1950s.
I'm more offended by people who make lazy jokes.
I don't want you to be racist toward me
because of my eyes or my food smelling.
I want you to be racist to be like,
wow, your Korean toes, ugh!
(laughing)
You know, you've heard about the one
about the toes on Koreans?
See, I would love that.
I'd love that.
But I really hate unoriginality.
If you were die this evening
with no opportunity to communicate with anyone,
what would you most regret not having told someone?
Why haven't you told them yet?
(burping)
Oh!
I would regret not having had the external emotional
capabilities of expressing my deep love
and appreciation for those who I truly value in life.
(violin music)
And I haven't told them
because I'd rather die before they hear that.
(laughing)
Which, it seems like I have appeared to create a paradox.
Huh, huh, huh.
Your house containing everything you own catches fire.
After saving your loved ones and pets,
you have time to safely make
a final dash to save any one item.
What would it be and why?
I mean, I'd probably just grab a bucket
so I could fill it with water
so I could try and put out the fire.
(fire crackling) (bell dinging)
And let's go to another question,
I'm too drunk for this.
Of all the people in your family,
whose death would you find the most disturbing and why?
Okay, that's (beep) heavy, but...
Be most disturbed by anyone younger than me.
Like, if I got (beep) to death by a horse tomorrow,
that would be way sadder than if I got (beep) to death
by a horse when I'm 80.
(dramatic music)
(horse whinnying)
This is the last question on the test
to find out if you are my soul mate.
Share a personal problem and ask your partner's
advice on how he or she might handle it.
My problem is that I've been wondering
this entire time while I've been filming,
if this is a fun piece of digital content,
is it meant to momentarily divert the public's
preoccupation with how terrible the world is?
Or is this just like, a long, hard stare
into the dark recesses of my id?
Like, which is an equally complicated,
even more distorted reflection
of the macabre destructive
ultimately pointless nature of man.
(piano music)
And how might you handle that?
(laughing)
How do you feel about the problem that I've chosen?
I'm going to have to ask one additional question
that I made up on our date to close it out.
Bonus question, are we in love now?
Yes, I can feel it through the screen, Katie.
Katie.
We are soul mates.
You and I.
And for sticking through this
and agreeing with everything I said,
all I have to say is...
I love you.
I can't even say that to my parents half the time,
so congratulations.
I still think there's tons of Katie's out there.
(triumphant music)
(rock music)
It would suck to get (beep) to death by a horse,
let alone (beep) by a horse.
Like, I feel sorry for lady horses.
That's too much.
Ain't nobody want that much of that.
(patriotic music)