-Let's get to some news, here, you guys.
Today in Congress, Trump's former lawyer,
Michael Cohen, testified about the president
and all his scandals.
Yep. He called Trump a "conman," a "cheat," and a "racist."
Trump heard that and was like, "Great.
Now, I need a new 2020 campaign slogan."
[ Laughter, applause ]
"And a new Tinder bio."
[ Laughter ]
That's right. Cohen went in front of Congress
and called Trump a "conman" and a "cheat."
Then, he followed it up by saying,
"He taught me everything I know."
[ Laughter, applause ]
But Cohen's testimony was on every TV channel,
and I heard that it was also aired on Russian TV.
-Really? -Yeah.
You know it's crazy when even Vladimir Putin is like,
[ as Putin ] "Pass popcorn."
[ Laughter, applause ]
"It's getting good. This getting good."
[ Normal voice ] At one point, Cohen discussed what Trump said
about his son, Don Jr. Watch this.
-Mr. Trump had frequently told me and others
that his son Don Jr. had the worst judgment
of anyone in the world.
[ Laughter ]
-In response...
Don Jr. was like, "Dad talked about me?"
[ Laughter, applause ]
"Wow."
And get this -- Cohen also said that he's responsible
for making sure Trump's SAT scores never leaked.
[ Laughter ]
It's safe to say the only time Trump's seen a 1600
is when he passes the White House mailbox.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Later on, a Congresswoman asked Cohen how many times
Trump made him threaten someone on his behalf.
Check this out.
-How many times did Mr. Trump ask you to threaten
an individual or entity on his behalf?
-Quite a few times.
-50 times? -More.
-100 times? -More.
-200 times? -More.
-500 time? -Probably.
[ Laughter ]
-"600 times?" "Double it."
"700 times?" "Square that."
"800?" "Times that by infinity."
[ Laughter ]
"Wow." During his testimony,
Cohen showed a check that he says Trump used to pay him back
for Stormy Daniels' hush money.
Take a look at this.
It's for $35,000.
Well, it turns out the president wrote checks to Cohen
for all sorts of other expenses, too.
Take a look. First, Trump wrote a check
for a private investigator
to find out who The Masked Singer is.
-Really?
-He also wrote a check
for taking Don Jr. and Eric to Six Flags
and leaving them there.
[ Laughter, applause ]
And finally, Trump sent a check to Cohen for
"hush money for my barber."
He writes too many checks.
You guys, Cohen's testimony was such a big deal
that it completely overshadowed the summit
between Trump and Kim Jong-un.
You could tell Trump was upset 'cause at one point,
he leaned over to Kim and said,
[ As Trump ] "How much to fire off a nuke right now?"
[ Laughter ]
"Don't hit anything."
[ Normal voice ] But get this - I heard Kim Jong-un
actually brought his sister to the summit.
It got awkward when Trump went up to Kim's sister and said,
[ As Trump ] "Which one are you, Khloe or Kourtney?"
[ Laughter, applause ]
[ Normal voice ] Later on, Trump gave Kim
a pretty enthusiastic handshake.
Check out the way Trump's arm swoops in there.
Watch this.
[ Laughter ]
Trump shakes hands like a used car salesman
who's desperate to make a deal.
He's like, "So, we got a deal. It's yours, right?
That's yours. You own it now.
That's your car. You own that forever now."
Well, throughout the day, Trump actually posted
a bunch of photos about his summit with Kim Jong-un
to his Instagram story.
Let's check it out. Here's the first photo.
It's Trump and Kim at dinner.
If we tap it, we see that Trump wrote,
"Love being here in Vietnom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom."
[ Laughter ]
Here's the next photo in the story.
You tap it, and you see Trump wrote,
"That feeling when you and your bro are about to touch tummies."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, here's the last photo.
Tap it, and Trump wrote,
"#faceswap."
[ Laughter, applause ]
He's having fun. He's having fun.
-Come on.
-All right, Here's some good news.
Target is now selling wine for just $10 a bottle.
[ Cheering ]
Meanwhile, Walmart just tapped a keg of Natty Light
in the patio section and said, "Go nuts."
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, today Oprah lost $58 million
after the Weight Watchers stock went down.
Even worse -- thanks to Weight Watchers,
she'll never gain it back.
[ Laughter ]