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Anger and the False Villain Dynamic
In modern society,
anger is the emotion that is disapproved of the very most.
In fact, it is so disapproved of
that when somebody gets angry,
it's not seen as an emotion that somebody is having,
it's seen as a character or personality defect.
The reason that people are so resistant to anger
is that it implies conflict.
And so many people see conflict as bad and wrong.
The thing is, people are wrong about anger.
Anger is a reaction to perceived powerlessness.
It occurs when someone or something
opposes one of your boundaries.
What I mean by a boundary is a personal need of yours,
a personal feeling, a personal desire,
a personal truth,
or one of your best interests.
And that opposition induces pain.
For those of you who have associated fear with anger,
fear is a very painful sensation.
So, it goes hand in hand with what I'm saying.
Anger will escalate to a state of rage
when whatever thing or person that opposes the boundary
shows a pattern of unworkability,
therefore creating this sensation
in the person who is feeling the anger
and escalating to rage,
that no matter what they do
they're not gonna be able to change anything
to this thing that's opposing their boundaries
and therefore,
they are losing hope about their capacity to get out of pain or fear.
For example, imagine that one of your personal boundaries
is that you need a partner who is available,
but your partner withdraws.
This will cause you to feel pain.
If you feel powerless to getting your partner to be available you,
will then get angry.
And if your anger does nothing
to discourage their behavior
and encourage a positive change to their behavior,
and they continue to be unavailable...
They are demonstrating unworkability.
It is then likely that the anger will escalate to rage.
If you wanna learn more about this, you can watch my video titled:
The Anger Hack - What To Do When You're Upset.
When a child is little,
a child needs to understand or know
that mommy or daddy or any other caregiver
is an ally to their best interests.
When a child is little
and their parent or caregiver opposes one of their boundaries,
remember a boundary is one of their needs,
one of their desires,
something that they perceive to be in their best interests,
the parent suddenly doesn't feel like an ally
to their well-being anymore.
In fact, whatever the parent is doing or not doing,
is causing them pain.
That's terrifying in a world where your entire life experience
is controlled by this person.
So, it kicks a child into a state of powerlessness
instantaneously.
The child does what he or she can
to make sure that his or her parent is allied with him or her.
The child gets angry to discourage future opposition
disconnection,
unavailability,
or whatever other behavior the parent is exhibiting
which is threatening to the child.
Knowing this, what is interesting is that if you look closely
at the genuine purpose behind anger,
you will see that it acts to promote a social bond,
not disrupt it.
If a parent loves a child,
or does a good job parenting,
when a child becomes angry,
thus demonstrating you're not in alignment with me right now,
the parent will want the child to feel a sense of security
and to feel a sense of well-being
and to feel sense of closeness with them.
So, they will very quickly
seek to re-establish security in the child
and seek to re-establish that sense of alignment
with their child.
They'll seek to create resolve quite quickly.
This is a child who will grow up with a healthy relationship to their anger
and a healthy sense of self.
This will also be a person
who grows up to be an adult who has a sense of healthy boundaries.
However...
Not all parents are this way.
In fact, unfortunately,
the majority of families in the world today,
are dysfunctional.
That means that there's a dysfunctional family dynamic going on
and therefore, all of these adult behaviors
we would wish to see in a healthy individual,
you're not gonna see.
You're gonna see some variation of dysfunction in the adult.
So, let's take a look at what happens if a parent does not love a child
or if a parent does not do a good job parenting a child
relative to their own anger.
This parent will turn against
or withdraw from the child's anger.
A hostile parent will use the child's anger against them.
This parent will become defensive,
belittle or punish the child for being angry in the first place,
and make it clear that the child's anger has nothing to do
with something they are doing to oppose the child's boundaries.
Instead, the child's anger means something is wrong with the child.
An unavailable parent
will use the child's anger as a reason to withdraw further
and to become even less available.
The message to children in these kinds of households, is clear:
"You can do nothing to get me to behave differently,
no matter how much it hurts you or scares you.
You just have to put up with whatever I do or don't do,
or else you are the problem".
The person who grows up in this kind of household
will learn that anger itself is the problem,
that it destroys relationships and weakens bonds,
that anger is bad and wrong
and that whoever is angry is the "bad guy".
And this opens the door
to an incredibly upsetting pattern within humanity;
There is a rule of thumb in modern society today
and it is this:
That the one who gets angry
is seen as the one who is creating the problem.
the one who gets angry,
is seen as the one who started the conflict.
The one who gets angry is the one who is seen
as bad and wrong.
And...
The one who gets angry
is the one who loses in the end.
Whether or not any of what I've just mentioned
is actually true or not.
The sad reality is that in society
people can use this truth
as a smoke screen for their own
dysfunctional behavior and patterns.
They can employ all kinds of damaging behaviors
all kinds of patterns that destroy things,
they can be pretty malicious, actually,
but it doesn't matter,
as long as the other person is the one that gets mad.
I want you to sit with this for a minute.
A person can make themselves seem like the "good guy"
as long as they're not the one that gets angry
and the other person is.
In today's society,
anger can make a person
who is not the actual problem in a situation,
be seen as the problem.
It can make a person who is not in the wrong
be seen as the one who is in the wrong.
It can make a person who did not start the conflict
be seen as the one who started the conflict.
It can make a person who is the true victim in a situation
be seen as the villain, instead.
And I like to call this
the false villain dynamic of anger.
so that you can understand this dynamic,
I'm gonna give you a couple of examples:
Jody runs a salon.
She is driven,
she is assertive and she is intense as a personality type.
That personality has allowed her to achieve a lot of success.
Tatiana has just recently taken a job
at Jody's salon.
But the thing is,
Tatiana doesn't like to be at the bottom of any totem pole.
In fact, Tatiana wants to have her own salon.
The thing is, she's never really gone through the motions
of actually creating her own salon for herself,
instead, what she exhibits
is a pattern of entering into other people's salons
and then challenging the person who owns that salon,
for leadership and for control of the company.
At least control over the social sphere within that salon.
Tatiana doesn't like the idea of Jody or anyone else
calling the shots.
Even in their own salon.
She wants to do things her own way,
even if doing so goes against the best interests
of Jody and her salon.
The reality is that Tatiana took a job at the salon
and immediately started a power struggle with Jody.
Tatiana started being two-faced.
She was pretty friendly to Jody's face,
but then behind her back,
she would make sure that to all the other people
who worked at the salon,
she was complaining
about all the things that she disliked about Jody.
Not only that, she was going to great lengths
to figure out what grievances they had with Jody
so that she could go ahead and fan those flames.
Essentially, Tatiana started this pattern of triangulation.
But she also did other things;
She would go over Jody's head
to negotiate taking clients for herself
that Jody had given to other stylists.
She confronted Jody in front of every other employee
about the idea that Jody should offer them all better benefits.
And she generously helped herself to the beverage refrigerator
intended for salon guests
at the end of the day.
One day, this entire situation came to a head
when Jody decided that she needed to confront Tatiana
with another stylist that was having issues with her too,
about her defiant behavior.
Now, when they did this,
Tatiana saw this as her great opportunity.
She started crying immediately,
and ran out into the middle of the salon.
Now, this is right before the salon was opening
and the other stylists were there all getting their stations ready.
Tatiana positioned herself in a place
where she knew that the other stylists could hear their conversation.
Tatiana started crying and explaining through her sobs
about what was going wrong with her life
and everything was hurting her,
and also how unfair she felt like it really was
that everybody else's thoughts and needs
came second to Jody's.
Now, what do you think was happening
when the rest of the stylists were watching this happen,
especially given that Tatiana was crying?
Does she seem like the underdog or the villain?
Jody could see that what Tatiana was doing
was trying to paint herself as the victim
in front of the other stylists
and trying to elicit defense from them.
This whole power tactic, this victim control dynamic,
made Jody really angry,
and she exploded.
So, what the other stylist got to see
is that instead of being super compassionate to Tatiana,
instead of treating her like the victim and the underdog,
Jody escalated even further.
Now, they're watching injustice.
Well, Tatiana's behavior did exactly what it was designed to do.
Because Jody was the one that lost her temper,
everyone missed what was actually happening.
Many of the stylists, in fact, stepped up to defend Tatiana.
They fell for this entire dynamic.
They saw Jody as a tyrannical dictator
who was picking on Tatiana
who was the obvious victim in underdog.
Tatiana was able to use Jody's completely justified anger
as a smokescreen for her own dysfunctional behavior.
She was able to use it to get the rest of the stylist
to fall into the false villain dynamic of anger.
As a result of Tatiana's behavior
three of Jody's stylist quit,
her relationship with several others remained tense for years
and when Tatiana quit,
she got to walk out the door feeling justified
that she was Jody's victim
and keep telling the story like that to everyone else she met.
When the truth, is in fact, the other way around.
To understand more about this dynamic
you may want to watch my video titled:
The Victim Control Dynamic (Escaping Control Drama in Relationships)
Another example,
is that Mason is in court in the middle of a custody battle.
His ex-wife is still so insulted
by the fact that he asked for a divorce in the first place,
that she's in this mode of wanting to get back at him
in any way that she can.
She figures that the best way to do this
is to fight him for the custody of their children
because of this, she starts to create
a parental alienation dynamic
with their two children that they have together,
against Mason.
Soon both of his kids become hostile and spiteful toward him
and start criticizing him,
despite the fact that neither of the children
can rationally justify the way they feel towards him suddenly.
They start using adult language and phrases
to describe their issues with their father
because those are the things that they are being told by their mother.
On the other hand,
they start to think that their mother can do no wrong
and is both the victim and the saint in the scenario.
They also reject every extended relative
that is related to their dad's side of the family.
Mason's ex-wife is brilliantly strategic
when it comes to crafting the impression for others
that she is such a good mother
and really only ever cares about the children,
unlike her ex-husband Mason.
In fact, she's already managed to dupe
the court-appointed therapist
about this being the case.
At one point, when Mason is confronted
about a new untrue allegation that his wife has made,
he can't take it anymore and he loses his temper.
So, what does mason do?
He yells in the courtroom:
"This is complete bullshit! She's making this shit up on the spot".
Now, it's at this point that his ex-wife smiles.
Why does she smile?
Because she knows he's just lost.
And the judge misses that little smile,
because he's so distracted and upset by the outburst.
It takes his ex-wife lawyer
two seconds to jump on the opportunity
to reinforce in the judge's mind
that his client's desire
to take away the children from Mason, is justified
and also what any good mother would do
given that mason is prone to endangering the children
with his rageful outburst and uncontrolled behavior.
And the courtroom actually falls for it.
Their resistance to anger
has made them fall for the false villain dynamic.
The judge now has doubts
about Mason's emotional and mental stability as a father,
and the outburst confirms the false narrative
that mason's ex-wife has conveyed to the court-appointed therapist.
The outburst has made both the judge and the court-appointed therapist, biased.
Which will affect mason's future court appearances,
as well as the outcome of the case.
In society today,
a person can get away with all kinds of things
by capitalizing on our resistance as a society
to anger as an emotion.
Our dysfunctional relationship with anger
makes us blind to what the actual problem is.
and it makes us blind
to who is creating the actual problem.
This will continue
as long as we continue
to have a dysfunctional relationship
with anger.
It will continue as long as we allow ourselves to be duped
by the false villain dynamic, of anger.
Have a good week.
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I wanna thank you personally
for the bravery that you have to step into awareness.
I'll see you in the next video:
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