- Joe Biden has surged to a huge lead
in the Democratic Party
and in second place is Bernie Sanders.
Over the past few weeks,
Warren has shot to the top of the polls,
the rise of Pete Buttigieg
and New Hampshire has an outbreak of Klomydia.
(upbeat country music)
Here's something you only hear every four years,
everyone is talking about Iowa.
(audience laughing) Yeah,
because last night was the Iowa caucuses, right?
The first vote of the Democratic primary campaign
and normally we would know by now who'd won,
in fact, normally we would have known last night,
but this year, Democrats decided to use a new app
to help count the votes and it has not gone as planned.
(audience laughing)
- The only results from the Iowa caucus
at this hour are chaos and confusion,
- Chaos, confusion, meltdown,
pick your adjective to describe Iowa caucuses.
- What a mess, this is not the finish
that anyone expected.
- It certainly was a mess and some here
are calling it a disaster.
- Organizers in the state site,
a domino effect of problems for the delay,
several issues with a new app
where results were to be inputted.
- They had a really crummy app
that screwed up the entire thing.
- Right now, no idea when we are going to know the results.
- So everyone really is just waiting
for these official results.
- So we wait and at the moment, we have nothing.
(audience laughing)
- So because of this app, the whole night was thrown
into utter chaos, nobody knew what the problem was,
nobody knew who won and eventually the candidates
got tired of waiting and they came out to try
and spin the non-results in the best way they could,
"Oh, we're happy, things are great,
"this is gonna be good for us."
But one candidate in particular took that to the next level.
- So we're still waiting for any results
from last night's Iowa Democratic caucuses,
but that hasn't stopped candidates
from spinning the non-existent results.
For mayor of South Bend Pete Buttigieg
declared victory overnight.
- We know by the time it's all said and done,
Iowa, you have shocked the nation.
By all indications,
we are going on to New Hampshire victorious.
(audience cheering)
(audience laughing)
- Okay Pete, you just gonna come out and claim victory,
even though no results were in at that point.
That's a pretty bold move.
I mean, maybe that's just his thing, maybe Pete does that.
Anytime anything's ambiguous, no one knows,
he just jumps in.
You know like, "Now, nobody knows who built Stonehenge."
He's like, "Oh, it was me, I did it."
Only about three quarters of the ballots are in.
So we still don't know who officially won.
But as it stands, it's a close race between Bernie Sanders,
the world's youngest old man
(audience laughing) and Pete Buttigieg,
the world's oldest young man.
(audience laughing)
But regardless of how it ends,
no one is around to give a victory speech
because the candidates have already moved on.
- For some reason in Iowa,
they're having a little bit of trouble counting votes.
But I am confident that here in New Hampshire,
I know they'll be able to count your votes
on election night.
(audience cheering)
- Man this is what I love about Bernie Sanders,
he does not give a damn.
(audience laughing)
Because he spent a year sucking up to Iowa
and then five minutes after he's left,
he's already roasting their ass.
(audience laughing) Yeah, he's just like,
"I want to talk about the 99% of people in Iowa
"who have no idea what the (bleep) they're doing."
I hope Bernie does this for every state.
As soon as he's on to the next primary,
he's in Nevada next week like,
"Great to be out of New Hampshire or as I call it,
"dirty Massachusetts." (audience laughing)
(upbeat country music)
Coming out of the Iowa primary,
the big winners were Bernie Sanders,
Pete Buttigieg and anyone who didn't build that shitty app.
And last night in New Hampshire,
those top two kept the momentum going.
- [Reporter] With a win in New Hampshire,
Senator Bernie Sanders
taking control as the democratic front runner,
but not too far behind him, Pete Buttigieg.
Despite winning the popular vote in both Iowa
and New Hampshire,
Sanders is behind in the overall delegate race by two.
- [Reporter] One of the night's other big winners,
Senator Amy Klobuchar, who took third place.
She capitalized on the moment by reintroducing herself
to the country.
- Hello America, I'm Amy Klobuchar
and I will beat Donald Trump.
- Yes, last night may have been the best night
for Bernie Sanders since he won that free cruise
on Noah's Ark but... (audience laughing)
New Hampshire's biggest surprise was Amy Klobuchar,
who burst into the national spotlight
with a third place finish and the timing couldn't be better
for Klobuchar because in many ways,
you see the presidential campaigns are like getting drunk
at a party, right?
You want to peak at the right time.
See the other candidates they had their surge last year,
which was too early, it's like getting wasted at 6pm.
(audience laughing)
Because by the time the party is really going you puking
in the bushes. (mimicking puking)
"I'm so sorry, I didn't pace myself,
"I promise I'll do better in South Carolina."
(audience laughing)
So there's no denying that New Hampshire was great
for Amy Klobuchar campaign and it was also a great night
for news people who love wordplay.
- Senator Amy Klobuchar rode the Klomentum.
- Are you feeling Klomentum.
- Klomentum is real and she has it.
- A Klobu-surge.
- [Reporter] Klomentum.
- Klomentum.
- Klomentum, Klobu-charged, Klobu-surge.
- They call it Klo-motion.
- Is there Klomentum. (audience laughing)
- Oh, this fun, I wanna try.
It's Klobbering time.
Yeah, she gave them the old Klope-a-dope.
Yeah, New Hampshire has an outbreak of Klomydia.
(audience laughing and applauding)
All right, I'm done.
She killed it like Klo J. Simpson.
Okay, I'm done, no more. (audience shouting)
(audience laughing)
So for Bernie, Buttigieg and Klobuchar,
New Hampshire was a dream,
but unfortunately for some other big name candidates,
it turned into a nightmare.
- [Reporter] Another major New Hampshire headline,
the candidates who fell far behind,
including longtime national front runner Joe Biden
and Senator Elizabeth Warren both failed to get enough votes
to earn any delegates.
Before the race was called Biden,
who placed fifth was on a plane to South Carolina,
which will hold the nation's next primary.
- [Reporter] Biden saw the writing on the wall,
he had left even before the polls had closed,
live streaming into his campaigns New Hampshire watch party.
- Oh, Joe Biden left New Hampshire
before the polls were even closed.
I mean, I've heard of fans leaving the game early,
but you know, it's bad when the team leaves early
(audience laughing) to beat the traffic.
The coach is just like, "All right guys,
"screw the fourth quarter, let's just start the bus."
(audience laughing)
- The race is getting smaller as of last night's results,
we did see the suspension or termination
of presidential campaigns by Andrew Yang
and Senator Michael Bennett
- Tonight is not going to be our night,
but let me say this to New Hampshire.
You may see me once again.
- You know, I am the math guy and it is clear tonight
from the numbers that we are not going to win this race.
(audience laughing)
We'll be back soon, in the meantime though, thank you all,
God bless you and God bless the United States of America.
- I'm not gonna lie I don't get why candidates always say
they'll be back when they know they won't.
No, I know they don't want to seem like a loser,
but why not just be honest, why not just be like,
"New Hampshire you guys are never gonna see me ever again."
Like it's the same problem with movie villains,
even when they're falling off a cliff
or building at the end, they're like, "I'll be back."
No you won't, like it would be nice if they were honest,
just like, "You and your family are safe forever."
(audience laughing)
(upbeat country music)
This weekend, Las Vegas saw two of the craziest knockouts
of all time, Wilder versus fury, and Bernie versus everyone.
- [Reporter] This morning feeling the burn,
Bernie Sanders dominating in Nevada.
Sanders not only taking the Silver state,
but besting his rivals among Latinos winning both men
and women, college and non-college graduates
and even scoring votes from moderates.
(audience cheering)
I am a US senator and I got a big ego
and I appreciate the Bernie,
but it ain't Bernie, it is us.
(audience cheering)
- Damn, Bernie is really committed to socialism, right?
(audience laughing)
Even when the crowd is tryna cheer for him,
he wants to share it back with them.
I wonder if he's always like this,
like on his birthday, are they like, "Happy Birthday to..."
He's like, "No, to you, Happy birthday to you."
"Happy, but no to all of us, it's all of our birthday.
"In fact, you should make a wish,
"my wish already came true, I got socks."
(audience laughing)
But yes, Bernie Sanders won big in Vegas
and I'm not surprised.
If anyone needs free college and free health care,
it's a city full of people who lost all their money
playing slots. (audience laughing)
And Bernie won big with all the big Nevada demographics,
that's what made this so impressive.
Young people, old people white, Latino,
blue, bent, feathered, everybody,
which bolstered his electability arguments.
But there's still one sizable demographic
that Bernie hasn't won over
and it's the other Democrats in the race.
- [Reporter] With the rise of Sanders,
his opponents are beginning to take 'em on.
Senator Sanders believes in an inflexible
ideological revolution that leaves out most democrats,
not to mention most Americans.
Some believe that the way to beat Donald Trump
is to be just as polarizing.
- Biden with Casey hunt, dismissing Sanders efforts
to tie himself to former President Obama.
- The way he talks about it,
you'd think he and Barack were close buddies
- And you think they were not.
- I know they were not.
- Ooh (mimicking cat)
(audience shouting)
"I know they were not."
It's a little weird that the Democratic primary
has become a fight about who is actually friends with Obama.
'Cause Have you noticed everyone is dropping his name?
He's in all of their ads,
but he's been silent this entire campaign.
It's almost like Obama is the imaginary friend
all the democrats have, just like,
"I saw Obama today and he told me I'm the bestest candidate,
"and that I should be president,
"but nobody else saw him 'cause he hides
"when the grown ups come."
(audience laughing and applauding)
After the Nevada caucus,
the Democratic nomination picture is becoming clearer.
Warren and Klobuchar need a miracle to get back in the race,
Biden and Buttigieg are fighting desperately
to be the moderate alternative.
And as it stands, Bernie seems to be on a clear path
to winning the most delegates and I can tell you now,
when he wins them, Bernie ain't sharing shit.
"It's not us, it's me."
(upbeat country music)
This Saturday was the South Carolina primary
where Biden desperately needed a victory
and boy did he get it.
- [Reporter] Biden's big win,
Joe Biden gets the landslide victory he needed
in South Carolina.
- [Reporter] Joe Biden trounced Bernie Sanders
in that race to give his campaign more momentum
going into Super Tuesday.
- [Reporter] Biden and Sanders are really
neck and neck and several of these states.
- Just days ago, the press and pundits
declared my candidacy dead.
Now, thanks to the heart of the Democratic Party
in South Carolina, I'm very much alive.
(audience cheering)
- Yes, Joe Biden is very much alive,
which isn't something candidates usually need
to remind people, (audience laughing)
but that's still okay, it's a great campaign slogan.
Take it man, just take it.
(audience laughing and applauding)
But yes, thanks to the overwhelming support
of black voters, Biden isn't just in the race,
he's back to being the favorite,
which is an amazing turnaround.
But that's black people for you man,
black people can make anything popular again.
Like think about it, before black people,
Biden was losing and then black people came in
and now he's back on top.
Before black people, everyone was focused on boobs
and then black people came in like, "How about butts?"
(audience laughing)
And then everyone was like, "Oh yeah, butts, yeah."
Now Joe Biden's win in South Carolina was so commanding,
that didn't just put him ahead in the polls,
it got three other candidates to drop out of the race.
- The moderate wing of this party seems to be moving
at a pretty quick pace right to all unite around Joe Biden.
- Amy Klobuchar announcing today she will drop out along
with Pete Buttigieg and Tom Steyer over the weekend.
Both Buttigieg and Klobuchar are now expected
to endorse former Vice President Joe Biden.
- Yeah, that's right, first Tom Steyer dropped out,
then Pete Buttigieg ended his historic run
as the first openly robot candidate.
(audience laughing)
And we all know that once a gay guy sets a trend,
white women aren't gonna be far behind.
So then Klobuchar dropped out too.
(audience laughing and cheering)
So if you're Joe Biden, these past few days are some
of the best of your life.
Think about it, for Biden, he's made the ultimate comeback.
Your opponents aren't just dropping out,
they're also endorsing you and to top it all off,
Joe Bitens are now the number two dentures on Amazon.
Yeah, right behind the Donald Chomps,
best in the United States.
(upbeat country music)
Super Tuesday is super important
because whichever nominee comes out on top tonight
gets a big boost in the race for the Democratic nomination.
And you also get all the losing candidate's lunch money.
So let's kick it off with a few of the results
that we already know, right?
Vermont was easily won by the original founder of the state,
Bernie Sanders. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering and applauding)
Already off to win and we know that Colorado
has also gone his way, but it's looking like tonight
is all about Joe Biden, because black voters just put him
over the top all across the south.
In Virginia, he won by 30%
and he's also been declared the winner
in North Carolina and in Alabama.
So right now, black people are embracing Biden so hard,
I wouldn't be surprised if he rolls up
to his next debate speech just like,
"Wakanda for... you know the thing."
As it stands, it looks like the Super Tuesday
is a lot more dramatic than previously anticipated.
Because remember a few weeks ago,
people were saying that Bernie was gonna clean up, right?
But then after Biden dominated South Carolina,
he was neck and neck with Bernie
and what's propelled him even further
was getting help from a few new friends.
- [Reporter] Former Vice President Joe Biden is riding
into Super Tuesday on a fresh wave of support,
three of his former rivals Pete Buttigieg,
Amy Klobuchar and Beto O'Rourke made last-minute
endorsements before today's critical votes.
At a dueling rally, Senator Bernie Sanders spoke
in Minnesota, Senator Klobuchar's home state
where he extended an olive branch.
- To all of Amy and Pete's millions of supporters,
the door is open, come on in! (audience cheering)
- "The door is open, but close it after you walk in,
"air conditioning isn't cheap, come on quickly."
(audience laughing)
But yes, last night was big for Joe Biden
because he got all the endorsements of his former rivals.
Yeah, Buttigieg came out to say Joe is the only one
who could unite the party.
Klobuchar came out to say that Joe is the best choice
for moderates and Beto O'Rourke came out
to remind people he still exists.
(audience laughing)
"I was the guy who dropped the F bombs."
So you don't have to be a genius,
you don't have to be a genius to notice
that the Democratic Party right now is at a crossroads.
On one side, you've got Bernie's revolution.
On the other side, Biden's return to normalcy.
(audience laughing) Going into Super Tuesday,
the democratic field had been narrowed down
to four main candidates,
which is a long way from the original 6000.
(audience laughing)
And as the dust began to settle, it became clear
there were two winners and two losers.
Elizabeth Warren, one of the night's losers,
you see she failed to pick up a single state
and to add insult to injury in her home state
of Massachusetts, she came in third.
Yeah, which is pretty rough.
It's like if you came home to find your parents
have replaced you with another child,
just be like, "Sorry honey, we'd like Joe Biden
"to be our daughter now."
(audience laughing)
But she wasn't the only one with a disappointing evening.
Yeah, another candidates who hit a low point
was Mike Bloomberg, former New York Mayor
and best person to sit behind at a concert
(audience laughing)
because after spending the GDP of a small country
on his campaign, his quest for the nomination
ended in failure.
- We come in with this Fox News alert,
Super Tuesday made for a super shake up.
Democrat Mike Bloomberg today dropped out of the race
after his dismal showing last night.
- [Reporter] Yesterday was a disaster for Bloomberg.
He spent more than $500 million
and won only a few dozen delegates.
Last night campaigning in Florida,
Bloomberg tried to sound upbeat.
- No matter how many delegates we win tonight,
we have done something no one else thought was possible.
- "That's right, we spent half a billion dollars
"to absolutely eat shit.
(audience laughing and applauding)
"They said it couldn't be done, but we did it."
Now, the reason Bloomberg is dropping out now
after just one bad night, is that you must remember,
he entered the race to be the moderate alternative
to Bernie Sanders, but last night,
the voters were very clear that they already know
who they want their moderate candidate to be.
- [Reporter] The night belonged to Joe Biden.
- They don't call Super Tuesday for nothing.
(audience cheering)
- [Reporter] The former vice president
with a massive comeback on the biggest Night
of the primary so far.
- [Reporter] A fired up Joe Biden celebrating
his historic night,
racking up a string of commanding victories,
including a clean sweep of states in the south
and just stunning win delegate-rich Texas.
- The press and the pundits had declared the campaign dead!
Tell that to the folks of Virginia!
(audience cheering)
North Carolina! (audience cheering)
Alabama! (audience cheering)
Tennessee! (audience cheering)
Oklahoma! (audience cheering)
Arkansas! (audience cheering)
Minnesota! (audience cheering)
- 'Ey! (audience laughing)
That's a Joe Biden we haven't seen in a while,
look at him smiling, full of energy,
naming states that actually exist.
(audience laughing)
No 'cause let's be honest,
we were all waiting for him to give a shout out
to pensyl-chusetts.
I'm serious, I don't think I've seen Biden this happy
since that time Obama taught him how to ride a bike.
This has been a while, I mean...
(audience laughing)
And of course, no Joe Biden speech would be complete
without a few moments where the WiFi dropped out.
(audience cheering)
- It's a good night and it seems to be getting even better.
By the way, this is my little sister Valerie
and I'm Jill's husband.
Oh no, this is my, no you switched on me.
This is my wife, this my sister, they switched on me.
(audience laughing and applauding)
- Oh Joe, really?
Joe Biden called his sister, his wife.
That's an awkward mistake and if you are gonna talk
about your sister wife, you should have done it sooner
because then you could have won Utah.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Yeah, now the sister wife thing was just a silly gaffe
that didn't derail the night.
What did cause a bit of concern was
when two protesters stormed the stage.
- [Reporter] During Biden's speech,
protester's rushing the stage.
You see it, they're coming within feet
of the former Vice President and Dr. Jill Biden, his wife.
One woman was swiftly removed by the former vice president's
body man, then moments later, see it again.
A second protester storming onto the stage
- [Reporter] Simone Sanders, his Senior Advisor,
she just comes out of nowhere, flies on stage
and rips one of the protesters off.
- [Reporter] Dr. Jill Biden protecting her husband
by shoving off a protester that was storming the stage.
Her response, "I'm a silly girl."
- Yo, that Jill Biden, see that, stepped in
and blocked that protester like a white lady Jackie Chan.
Bam! (audience laughing)
I mean, I knew she was a doctor,
I just didn't know her PhD was in ass whipping,
that was amazing.
And it wasn't just Biden's wife.
Yeah, his Senior Campaign Advisor, Simone Sanders.
Did you see that, she handled that protester
like a professional bodyguard,
hell Biden's got more women protecting him than T'challah,
like he's just killing it out here.
No wonder he's winning the black vote.
(audience laughing and applauding)
So overall, it was a good night for Biden,
but don't forget, this contest is far from over.
Because this race is all about winning delegates, right?
Not just states, but delegates and even with his good night
last night Biden is still basically neck and neck
with Bernie in the delegate counts.
And up until this point, these two have been super friendly
on the campaign trail, laughing, hugging at the debates,
but something tells me those days might be over.
- [Reporter] This morning, it's now a two man race.
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is already sharpening
his attacks against Biden.
- One of us in this race led the opposition
to the war in Iraq, you're looking at him!
(audience cheering)
Another candidate voted for the war in Iraq.
(audience jeering)
One of us has spent his entire life fighting against cuts
in Social Security, exploiting to expand Social Security.
(audience cheering)
Another candidate has been on the floor of the Senate
calling for cuts to Social Security, Medicare,
Medicaid and veterans' program.
(audience jeering)
- "That's right, one of us is a bitch ass,
"the other person is me.
(audience laughing and cheering)
"You know who I'm talking about, spread the word."
(audience applauding)
Yeah, people you can see the gloves are officially off.
The dentures are in.
(audience laughing)
And things are about to get messy between these two.
Not just because there's Vicks Vapor Rub everywhere,
no because this is the homestretch to find out
who will be the Democratic nominee.
And Bernie, if you're going to attack Joe Biden,
I wish you the best of luck,
but remember not to get too close,
because then you'll have to deal with Jill.
After Super Tuesday, voters basically decided
the race should be between Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders.
So Michael Bloomberg promptly dropped out.
And now in the wise words of the philosopher DJ Khaled,
"Another one."
- We begin with today's big breaking 2020 News.
Senator Elizabeth Warren is dropping out.
- Warren speaking out on her decision
to suspend her campaign.
- Gender in this race, you know that is the trap question
for every woman.
- If you say yeah, there was sexism in this race,
everyone says, "Whiner."
And if you say no, there was no sexism,
about a bazillion women think what planet do you live on?
I promise you this, I'll have a lot more to say
on that subject later on.
- Damn, Elizabeth Warren has a good point.
Yeah, because like it or not,
that was some truth that she dropped there.
A woman addressing sexism or ignoring it
while running for president is either gonna be seen
as a whiner or living on another planet,
which is unfair, especially since the President
is already a whiner who lives on another planet.
(audience laughing)
And whether you think sexism played a role or not,
you have to admit, it's pretty strange that a race
that started with a broad tapestry of candidates
is now basically down to two old white men.
Yeah, they're so old that no matter which one of them wins,
Donald Trump will be the youngest person in the race,
(audience laughing) think about that.
(upbeat country music)
Yesterday, Democrats in six states went to the polls
to cast their votes and get some coronavirus.
And after a strong showing on Super Tuesday,
Biden picked up right where he left off.
- [Reporter] Former Vice President Joe Biden
expanded his lead in the Democratic presidential race,
Biden won in at least four of the six states
which voted yesterday, he took the battleground
State of Michigan by double digits.
Biden now leads the race by 150 delegates,
which significantly narrows any path to victory
for Senator Bernie Sanders.
- Looking at the math tonight,
I think it's almost certain that Bernie Sanders
does not have a mathematical path
to becoming The Democratic nominee.
- Let's shut this puppy down and let's move on
and worry about November.
This thing is decided, there's no reason to keep it going,
but not even a day longer.
- Okay, that talking raisin needs to come down.
(audience laughing)
Yes, Joe Biden had a great night,
that doesn't mean you have
to shut the primary down immediately.
It's the presidential race,
not a kissing booth in the Woohan Province, all right?
(audience laughing)
Because look, it is true that
because of last night's results,
there have already been calls for Bernie Sanders
to step aside and let the slightly younger generation
take over, but let me tell you something.
If you think a little turbulence
is gonna shake Bernie Sanders out of the race,
you need to think again,
- Senator Bernie Sanders earlier today making clear
he has no plans to drop out
of the Democratic presidential contest
- On Sunday, I very much look forward to the debate
in Arizona, with my friend, Joe Biden.
And let me be very frank as to the questions
that I will be asking Joe.
Joe, what are you gonna do about the fact
that we have the highest rate of childhood poverty?
What are you gonna do to end the terror that millions
of undocumented people experience right now?
What are you gonna do to end the absurdity
of billionaires buying elections?
Joe, what are you gonna do?
- "What are you going to do when they come for you?"
(audience laughing)
Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?
What are you gonna do when they come for you?
(audience applauding)
(babbling)
(audience laughing)
So yeah for now, Bernie Sanders is not dropping out
of the race and what was interesting is some people
were worried that the only reason Bernie was staying
was to burn the party to the ground.
But after today's speech,
it seems like Bernie wants to push Biden
to a more progressive platform.
And I actually think it's really nice of Bernie
that he's giving Biden the questions beforehand.
(audience laughing)
He could have made a surprise,
but now he's like one of those cool teachers in school
that tells you what's gonna be on the test.
(audience laughing)
And you think they're being nice,
but they just don't wanna see your ass again
if you get held back, that's why they're doing it.
"I need you to pass, okay?"
(audience laughing)
(upbeat Hip Hop music)