WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND IT IS-- IT IS FRIDAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ONCE AGAIN WE HAVE MADE IT
THROUGH THE WEEK TO FRIDAY.
YOU CAN FEEL THE FRIDAY VIBE IN THE CROWD.
IT IS UNMISTAKABLE.
THESE ARE PEOPLE READY TO CUT LOOSE RIGHT HERE, CUT FOOTLOOSE.
, OF COURSE, BIG NEWS THIS WEEK IS THAT SPECIAL COUNSEL ROBERT
MUELLER IS INVESTIGATING DONALD TRUMP FOR OBSTRUCTION OF
JUSTICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A FRIDAY CROWD.
THAT'S A FRIDAY CROWD RIGHT BUT TRUMP'S GOT A PLAN.
THERE.
I THINK HE'S GOING TO BE THE FIRST PERSON EVER TO SETTLE HIS
PRESIDENCY OUT OF COURT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND AS ALWAYS, DONALD TRUMP--
HE'S A FIGHTER, YOU KNOW, HE'S A STREET FIGHTER.
HE PUNCHES BACK.
HE'S FIGHTING BACK ON TWITTER.
YESTERDAY HE TWEETED: I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE ARE THE NONPRESIDENT.
"EVERYBODY ELSE GETS TO HANG OUT WITH RUSSIA!
I HATE YOU.
YOU'RE NOT MY REAL SPECIAL PROSECUTOR.
I'M GOING TO MY ROOM!" ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND WHILE WE'VE ALL BEEN
FOLLOWING THE INVESTIGATION, SENATE REPUBLICANS HAVE VERY
QUIETLY BEEN HARD AT WORK THIS WEEK ON THEIR PLAN TO REPEAL
OBAMACARE.
WHAT'S IN IT?
WHO KNOWS?
( LAUGHTER ) ALL WE'VE FOUND OUT SO FAR IS
THEIR FOOLPROOF PLAN FOR GETTING IT PASSED-- KEEPING THEIR HEALTH
CARE BILL SECRET.
YES, SOMEHOW, YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE IS THE ONE PIECE OF
CLASSIFIED INFORMATION THAT NO ONE HAS LEAKED YET.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES, YES, YES.
YES, IT IS SO SECRET, THE SENATE HEALTH CARE BILL IS SO VERY
SECRET, IT'S LIKE-- IT'S LIKE THE HEALTH CARE BILL IS THE NEXT
SECRET OF "GAME OF THRONES," AND YET SOMEHOW MORE PEOPLE WILL
DIE.
AND THEY HAVE-- I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU PEOPLE, BECAUSE YOU
WON'T HAVE HEALTH CARE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND SENATOR JOHN CORNYN OF TEXAS
HAD A CUTE ANALOGY FOR THE SECRET HEALTH CARE BILL, SAYING,
"IT'S LIKE HAVING A BABY.
IT'S NOT HERE YET, BUT IT'S COMING."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS HOW JOHN CORNYN THINKS
BABIES ARE MADE?
"DARLIN', WHAT DO YOU SAY WE POP A BOTTLE OF WINE AND ENTER A
SECRET COMMITTEE OVERSEEN BY MITCH McCONNELL, IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN."
AND THIS SECRET BABY MUST BE A REAL MONSTER, BECAUSE EVEN
REPUBLICAN SENATORS ARE UNAWARE OF THE HEALTH CARE DETAILS.
SO THEY'RE VOTING FOR SOMETHING THEY'VE NEVER SEEN.
IT'S LIKE "THE DATING GAME."
"HEALTHCARE BILL NUMBER 1: IF YOU WERE A BIRD, WOULD YOU COVER
PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS?" "NOT ON THE FIRST DATE."
♪ ♪ ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) YOU CAN'T REALLY BLAME THEM.
THIS IS A VERY DELICATE NEGOTIATION.
IF THE BILL IS TOO HARSH, THEY'LL LOSE MODERATES LIKE
MAINE SENATOR SUSAN COLLINS.
BUT IF THE BILL IS TOO GENEROUS, THEY'LL LOSE FISCAL
CONSERVATIVES LIKE OHIO SENATOR CHUCK REAPER.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, SENATE REPUBLICANS MET WITH
THE PRESIDENT TO DISCUSS THE HEALTHCARE BILL, AND HE TOLD
THEM HE WAS GLAD THEY WERE WORKING ON IT, BECAUSE THE HOUSE
BILL THAT PASSED LAST MONTH WAS "MEAN, MEAN, MEAN."
CAREFUL, SIR.
YOU SAY "MEAN" THREE TIMES INTO A MIRROR, AND STEVE BANNON
APPEARS BEHIND YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S KIND OF CRAZY FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
TO SAY THAT ABOUT THE HOUSE BILL BECAUSE IF YOU REMEMBER THE
DAY-- THE SECOND THE HOUSE BILL PASSED, TRUMP INVITED ALL THE
REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMEN TO THE WHITE HOUSE FOR A PARTY.
I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT MANY HAPPY WHITE MEN IN SUITS SINCE THE
MEMORIAL DAY SALE AT JOSEPH A.
BANK.
QUALITY PRODUCTS.
AND HERE'S WHAT TRUMP SAID BACK THEN:
>> BUT WE HAVE AN AMAZING GROUP OF PEOPLE STANDING BEHIND ME.
THEY WORKED SO HARD, AND THEY WORKED SO LONG.
AND WHEN I SAID, LET'S DO THIS.
LET'S GO OUT-- JUST SHORT, LITTLE SHOTS FOR EACH ONE OF US,
AND LET'S SAY HOW GOOD THIS PLAN IS.
>> Stephen: "I'LL GO FIRST!
IT'S MEAN, MEAN, MEAN.