Our first guest is one of the funniest people on the planet.
Please welcome Amy Schumer.
[APPLAUSE]
Hi.
Hi, Amy.
Hi.
What are you-- oh.
Muah.
What are you doing?
You know, I've gotten too pretty.
I don't know.
I just-- I found out on the cover of People magazine's Most
Beautiful issue.
No, no.
you're not on the-- you're in it, but you're not on--
Pink is on the cover.
Oh, Pink is the cover.
Yeah, you're in it though.
You're beautiful.
Oh, OK.
I guess I--
I guess I could come out then.
Oh, you were just in there because you
thought you were too pretty?
Yeah, I thought I was too pretty and people were
going to freak out in here.
Oh.
They'll still freak out, but come on out.
Oh, OK.
Yeah.
Like, I don't know.
[APPLAUSE]
When I was born.
That's what my mom saw when I was born.
Like that?
Yeah.
Hi.
Thank you.
Hi, Twitch.
Thank you.
Hi.
Hello.
So I'm just in the magazine.
You're in the magazine.
Not on it.
No, no, no.
OK.
That's OK.
Whoa.
Well, that was a close call.
Yeah, yeah.
Then you would have been too pretty.
Way too pretty.
I would have to go everywhere in that ball.
No.
And so you--
These shoes didn't-- that's it.
You don't need them?
I can't
They were here.
If I was on the cover--
stilettos.
But now, Ned's all year.
OK.
All right.
And you know what?
Why don't you make this your thing?
You're barefoot everywhere?
Oh, that's my thing now.
Barefoot?
Barefoot.
Barefoot shooms.
Barefoot and pregnant, probably.
What?
I don't know.
I hope-- no, I'm not.
So we were just talking about the birthday
party, which you were at.
Oh, thanks for having me.
Thanks for being there.
But when you literally were telling everybody you
were getting married, like--
That's right.
Everyone thought you were kidding.
I know.
Because celebrities are supposed to be quiet.
Right.
When they're getting married.
We are going around-- we got engaged that morning.
So we were going around, everyone, we're
getting married, you know.
All these celebrities.
You had everyone-- Pink was there and Pharrell
and the mother of dragons-- what's her name?
Kris Jenner.
[LAUGHTER]
It's a joke, right?
I love those girls.
I love that whole family, love to True, and True West,
everybody.
I got to meet them now.
I love them.
But anyway, so we were going around.
We were getting advice from everybody.
And so, I was looking for you.
I never even got to say hi to you.
I saw you.
You were on the dance floor, and you were in the zone.
I was.
I was dancing.
I couldn't-- I couldn't stop you.
It was like a Flashdance situation.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah, so then I text you after.
Yes, and you said, I'm getting married.
Would you like to come?
Because first you said--
Amy kept telling everybody she was getting married.
Everybody who would listen.
The waiters, the valets.
If she really thought you were kidding.
I know you thought I was kidding.
Yeah, but then you text and said,
I really am getting married.
But I was doing a show.
I would have
Gone.
No, everyone has an excuse.
So wait.
Well, congratulations, So you got married two days later.
Yes, we did.
Yes, you did.
[APPLAUSE]
I'm so married.
So married.
Now I was kidding about barefoot and pregnant.
Will you-- do you all want kids?
Well, here's the thing.
I have never wanted kids.
And then I saw myself as a baby on your show
and I thought, who am I to deprive the world of such
a beautiful baby?
Yeah.
Look at that baby.
Yeah.
So I think we're going to do it, but just use my genetics.
I see.
Just yours.
It'll look exactly-- look at that.
Yeah.
What a beautiful baby butt.
That was the last time you came out here.
So wait.
Well, first of all, I'm really excited for you.
Thank you.
Had you known each other long?
No.
We met in a parking lot outside your party.
Oh.
We've known each other about a year.
We'd already been living together for like five months.
And we knew.
I was like, I'm done.
That's great.
Yeah.
That's when you--
I locked it down.
That was at your party.
Yes that was the photo booth we had.
We came out.
So wait.
What's changed if you were living together?
It does feel different, doesn't it?
It does.
And I like just being in one place, you know.
I just feel more settled, I haven't been on the road
as much.
And it's good for me, like for my health,
because I'm one of those comedians-- you know
when comedians blame their behavior on the city
that they're in?
So they're like, oh, Houston.
You guys got me so drunk last night, you guys.
And they're like, no, we had work today.
Like we didn't--
Sacramento, you made me have sex with a stranger.
No, you're in a really bad place.
That's just your fault. It's not the city.
It is you, ma'am.
Turns out it's you.
So you-- he's a chef, right?
Yes, he is.
Is he in a restaurant?
I'm brilliant.
I don't know.
Yeah.
How smart am I?
How smart is that to marry a chef?
Oh my God.
You know, I think I think a sexy thing to do--
this is a little bit of a life hack--
is to, say your husband's a fireman, to kind of dress up
something cute, like wrap the hose all around you, you know,
or like-- but he's a chef so what I do is you flour.
I learned how to make pie, so I'll put flour.
You know, it's just cute.
But, yeah, see.
Some people do just a little flour, but no.
What I do, I roll around in raw eggs, and then flour,
and just I'm a sexy chicken cutlet.
He loves it.
Now, is he a chef at a restaurant or a private chef?
He's the real deal.
Wow.
Really delicious, wonderful.
I'm happy for you.
And also, he's cool.
Yeah.
I mean, I guess I'll get to know him in the coming months.