- Hello! I'm Adam, and welcome to Corpse Talk.
The show that brings the dead famous to life!
Tonight, she's the last true Pharaoh of Egypt,
the Queen of Nile, history's greatest heartbreaker...
(cheering)
♪ Corpse Talk ♪
♪ A history chat about this or that ♪
♪ Corpse talk ♪
♪ Corpse Talk ♪
♪ Where the dead famous come to life ♪♪
(applause)
- It's Cleopatra!
♪ Cleopatra ♪
♪ It's Cleo ♪♪
- Welcome, welcome.
Now, Cleopatra, yours is the most famous Egyptian name I can think of.
- Greek. - Uh, excuse me?
- It's a Greek name. My family wasn't originally from Egypt at all.
- You're already full of surprises!
I think you better show us.
(grunts)
- Okay, let's go to Egypt. - Bye Macedonia.
- Where is it? - This way!
(Cleopatra): When we arrived in Egypt, we had to work hard to fit in
so that the Egyptians would accept us as their Pharaohs.
- So not technically Egyptian,
but definitely the most famous queen of Ancient Egypt.
- Hey! Not so much of the Ancient. Queen of Egypt, yes.
But Egypt already had a long history by the time I turned up.
Let me show you.
I was born about 2000 years before you.
- Woo, oh, oh!
- And the Great Pyramid of Gizeh was built over 2600 years before me.
- Whoa!
- So I'm actually closer to your time than I am to the pyramid.
- Wow! That's mind-blowing! - Oof.
There's no need to shout. - Ah, sorry.
I suppose that serves me right for calling you "Ancient".
- I forgive you, darling.
Just as long as the rest of your questions aren't simply all about
all my famous good looks and charms.
- Ho, ho! Of course not.
Ooh, no.
Uh...
(chuckles awkwardly)
So, there you are in "not so ancient" Egypt. What was it like?
- Oh, you know, famine, disease, wars. Life back then was tough.
- Really? It doesn't look that tough.
- Well, not for me, no.
But then, I was a princess raised to become a queen.
Tutored in science, philosophy and who speak nine languages.
- Impressive! But not impressive enough
to be allowed to be queen by yourself when your father died.
Ooh!
- No. Society wouldn't stand for a woman ruling alone.
- So, I'd suppose you had to get married? - Yes.
To my 10-year-old brother. - Sorry, did you say, "brother"?
(blowing raspberries)
- I had to marry my little brother, Ptolemy, yes.
I did what I had to do to stay in power.
- The ancient world sure was different.
- It was the worst. I mean,
everyone knows how annoying young brothers can be, don't they?
Borrowing your stuff without asking...
(chuckling) - Embarrassing you in front your friends.
- Stealing your throne and trying to kill you to do it.
- Yeah, trying to ki-- Uh... Wow.
So, what did you do about your brother? Uh, husband? Ah! Bro-sband!
- Ah. I did what any reasonable older sister would do:
I fought a civil war to get my throne back.
- But didn't you need a powerful ally to help you?
- I did. And they didn't come much more powerful than the Romans.
(crowd cheering) Julius Cesar.
Undisputed leader of Rome.
- I know, I know, I'm amazing!
- Ah! - Shh.
- Sorry, sorry.
- Ha? - Special delivery!
- Is this really how you two met?
- Uh... I mean, kind of.
Cesar was in my palace meeting with my annoying little brother,
who had posted guards to keep me out.
But I knew I could win Cesar over if I smuggled myself pass the guards
and into the palace.
- Hello!
- Now, we leave to Rome. (Adam): He took you back to Rome?
- Are we there yet? - I can see it! We're there!
(Adam): I guess your plan worked.
- Of course, it worked. But not all the Romans were so thrilled.
- What do they know? It was true love.
- Let's get real, shall we?
I needed your army to defeat my brother in the civil war.
I mean, you were old enough to be my dad.
- What?!
- Awkward...
- Oh look! What's that?
A murderous mob of your former friends who think you've become
a terrible tyrant and want to get rid of you!
- Oh no!
- Bye, darling.
(mob shouting)
(♪♪)
- So, that was the end of your Roman holiday.
- Total disaster. I was lucky to get home in one piece.
I needed a plan B, and fast.
- Um, who's that? - Meet plan B.
- What's up? Mark Anthony.
Roman consul, general and wanna-be successor to Cesar.
At your service.
- Didn't waste any time, did you? - You snooze, you lose...
your kingdom. Anyway, he was quite a sweety really.
Terribly romantic.
- Okay, my darling, I just wanted to let you know that...
I love you, Cleo!
- Not now, I'm busy.
- Uh, what a guy! - I know.
But sadly, Rome declared war on him, as they thought I'd made him soft,
and that I wanted to take over their empire.
- Oh dear, you also lost the war. Was there a plan C?
- I'm afraid not. The new leaders of Rome wanted to parade me through the streets
as a prisoner. Can you imagine the humiliation?
I'd rather drink poison.
- So what did you do?
- I drank poison.
- Um, okay. Wow.
Still, I think you've shown us that there's a lot more to Cleopatra
than just beauty.
It was brains that kept you on top for so long.
And a little ruthlessness.
- Aw, thanks! I like you.
Hey! How about we team up?
- Uh, I thought you didn't have a plan C?
- Strictly professionally, I mean.
Think about it, between my tactical genius and your...
uh, comfy chairs,
we could build an entertainment empire.
Cleopatra Talk!
- Can I say thanks but no thanks?
Please don't fight a civil war against me.
- Pharaoh enough.
(chuckling) - "Pharaoh enough"!
Classic! I don't mean "Ancient" classic, I mean funny classic.
Cleopatra, ladies and gentlemen.
(crowd cheering) - Thank you, thank you.
- I'm afraid that's all we have time for.
Join us again on Cleopatra Ta-- Uh, Corpse Talk!
The show that brings the dead famous to life!
♪ Corpse Talk ♪
♪ A history chat about this or that ♪
♪ Corpse Talk ♪
♪ Where the dead famous come to life ♪♪