Recently, everyone has been so absorbed
with the whole Trump-Russia story
that many people have forgotten there are things happening
in Congress, namely healthcare.
For seven years, for seven years now,
Republicans have had one major legislative priority,
and that's been building a 60-foot-tall, coal-powered
mechanical Jesus to defend America.
I'm just kidding. It's 70 feet tall.
No, no, I'm just kidding. Uh, the main goal
was repealing and replacing Obamacare.
And now that Republicans control the government,
that long-awaited goal is within reach.
For the GOP, this whole thing has taken so long,
it's probably felt like sex with Sting.
Now, if you remember, back in May,
the House finally managed to pass its version of Trumpcare,
aka, the American Health Care Act,
and Trump celebrated by conducting a backyard symphony.
(applause)
(cheering)
What we have is something very, very incredibly well-crafted.
We don't have to talk about this unbelievable victory.
Wasn't it unbelievable? So we don't have to say it again.
But it's gonna be an unbelievable victory, actually,
when we get it through the Senate.
Only Trump would say, "We don't have to say it's unbelievable"
and then immediately say it's unbelievable.
This is how stubborn Donald Trump is.
He doesn't even listen to the word "no"
when it comes from himself.
"Okay, no more 'unbelievables.'
(bleep) you, me! Unbelievable!"
So, the House passing the bill was a major step
toward repealing Obamacare,
and, obviously, Republicans were thrilled.
Uh, you know who wasn't though?
Almost everyone else in the country.
Because it turns out only 17% of America
supported the House bill.
Do you know how small 17% is?
You could fit everyone who loved that bill into one backyard.
That's how small it is. Which is basically what Republicans did,
to be honest.
17%. Like, if you were a kid and you got 17% on a test,
your parents wouldn't ground you.
Like, they wouldn't beat you.
'Cause you just wouldn't go home.
You would just look at that paper and be like,
"Well, I guess my life as a drifter begins. All right.
Here we go, here we go."
Like, a 17% score is terrible,
which explains why, when Trump talked to Senate Republicans
this week,
his opinion of the House bill had been renegotiated.
MAN: During a meeting with Senate Republicans,
the president kept his focus on healthcare.
There Mr. Trump flip-flopped on the House-passed replacement
to Obamacare, calling it "Mean."
MAN 2: The president, also, reportedly
calling the House bill-- and I quote here,
"A son of a bitch."
Damn.
The bill went from "unbelievable"
-to a mean "son of a bitch"? -(laughter)
Or in Trump terms, it went from an Ivanka to an Eric? Wow!
-(laughter and groaning) -Wow.
And I don't say this often, but Trump is right.
The House bill is mean.
If that bill became law,
23 million people could become uninsured in America, right?
Many people with pre-existing conditions won't be protected,
and it would mandate
that colon cancer be renamed "butt cancer."
-It's just a mean bill, people. -(laughter)
And because the House bill is so mean and so unpopular,
Senate Republicans are left with two options--
either fix what's in the bill, or just hide it from everyone.
Senate Republican healthcare deliberations,
with this White House's blessing,
have all been conducted behind closed doors.
No public hearings are scheduled.
But Mitch McConnell's no fool.
He knows the second he puts the plan out,
they're gonna get chopped up in a thousand pieces.
MAN: One GOP aide explaining why they won't release it
to the public-- "We aren't stupid."
That's right.
Republican Senators are so ashamed
of the healthcare bill they're working on,
they're actually putting it inside a porn magazine
-so no one will know what they're reading. -(laughter)
"No, no, no, it's not what you think.
-It's, uh... it's porn." -(laughter)
Now, according to Republicans, the stories of them being shady,
writing this bill in secret,
these all... these are all fake news.
All right, for the truth,
we need to go to the ancient tree who leads them--
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
Unfortunately, it will have to be a Republicans-only exercise,
but we're working hard to get there.
We'll let you see the bill when we...
when we finally release it.
We know a lot about the subject.
We know how complicated it is.
Nobody's hiding the ball here.
Our goal here is to move forward quickly.
Your-your goal here is to move forward quickly?
(laughter)
Shouldn't your goal be to make a good healthcare system? Yeah?
Shouldn't it be about doing it right, not doing it fast?
I mean, you would think, of all people,
Mitch McConnell would know about the tortoise and the hare.
(laughter)
His cousin won that race.
(laughter)
But... but he is hiding the ball.
There's no mistaking that.
And here's why Mitch McConnell's ball-hiding is such a big deal.
The Senate healthcare bill has the potential
to drastically change the lives of millions of Americans,
and like Obamacare was, the process should be open
so that people can voice their needs and concerns.
Right now, even other senators can't help shape the bill,
because not even they know what it is.
When you say that you're inviting us--
and I heard you, Mr. Secretary, just say,
"We'd love your support."
For what? We don't even know.
We have no idea what's being proposed.
There's a group of guys in a back room somewhere
that are making these decisions.
Will there be a hearing?
(ding)
Where? Huh?
Well, I don't know that... (clears his throat)
...there's going to be another hearing,
but we've invited you to-to participate and give your ideas.
McCASKILL: Yeah, no. No, that's not true, Mr. Chairman.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who was that?
(laughter)
Who the (bleep) was that?!
(laughter)
That dude just repeated
exactly what that person told him to say!
I mean, at this point, why isn't she just the senator?
Just cut out the middle man.
Just... (whispers gibberish)
But hold on. Hold on, hold on. Let me get this straight.
This is really slick here. Let me get this straight.
Senate Republicans are holding no hearings,
and aren't letting Democrats see the bill at all,
but they still insist
that they are letting the Democrats participate.
That's what they say. You know what this is like?
It's like when your little brother wanted
to play a video game with you,
so you gave him a controller that wasn't even plugged in.
-That's what this is like. -(laughter)
That's what this is like, and your-your brother is like,
"Wait. If you're Mario, who am I?"
"Oh, it doesn't matter. You're winning.
It doesn't matter. You're winning."
-(laughter) -"Yay!"
You know, if you're an older sibling, great memories.
(laughter)
If you're an older sibling, yeah.
If you're younger, that's when your issues started.
-(laughter) -Uh, look.
Look, the truth is Obamacare isn't perfect, right?
But at least when Senate Democrats
passed their initial bill in 2009,
they worked on it for 11 months,
and they held over a dozen open hearings.
But even with all of that, the Republicans still complained
that with something so big
as reforming the American healthcare system,
the Democrats were moving too fast
and being too secret.
And you'll never guess which Republican
complained the most.
This massive piece of legislation
that seeks to restructure one-sixth of our economy
is being written behind closed doors
without input from anyone
in an effort to jam it past not only the Senate
but the American people before Christmas.
(like McConnell): Christmas, you know?
The holiday where three ghosts show up in your bedroom
and you ignore them. Bah.
(laughter)
So...
2009 Mitch McConnell, he clearly understood the importance
of an open process when deciding healthcare.
This time he's going the opposite way.
Because, with Trumpcare,
he's so afraid of the backlash from voters,
it's triggered his instinctive response.
(laughter)
Turtle power!