- I'm vaxxed, yes!
- [Kelly] You look wonderful.
- Oh my God, I love coming back.
This is where I used to have my talk show-
"Chelsea Lately." - I know.
- So every time I come back here-
- Is it weird? - some of the people
are still here, left over.
- Oh. - Yeah.
So I get to see some of the people
that worked on my show.
And then I come in,
I'm here for 20 minutes, but I get to leave, right?
- You get to leave. (laughs) - Yeah. (laughs)
Yeah.
- So you just got back from Mallorca?
- I went to Mallorca
for a month with a bunch- - I've never been there.
- Oh, you haven't? You have to come.
I have a house there.
- [Kelly] You did? - Yes.
And it is one of the most beautiful
places in the world, Mallorca.
We went crazy.
We did a lot of exercising.
A little too much exercising for my own
interest, actually. - Liking?
But we drink a lot of sangria
and then we get on our bikes and we bike it off,
so it kind of adds up.
Like it makes sense so that you can get away with it.
You know what I'm saying? - Okay. Yep.
- But, like, two weeks into the vacation,
my friends were like,
"Are we at a fat camp? Like, what is going on here?"
(audience laughing)
- So I went on a, like, a fun beach,
like, whatever destination,
and all of a sudden they were like,
"We're going on this this beautiful hike in the mountains."
And I was like, "This is, like, literally it was hell.
And I don't wanna do this on vacation."
I was miserable going all the way up.
And then you get up there and you're like,
"I could've just bought a postcard."
Okay, wait, so we just passed something that you celebrate.
I've never heard of this.
Is it Fat Bear Week?
- Fat Bear Week.
Well, I love- - What is Fat Bear Week?
- Well, Fat Bear, I think there's a Fat Bear day
where they...
or is it a week?
Oh, it should be.
They get the biggest, fattest black and brown bears
and they compare their bodies.
And I love big fat animals.
Like my dogs are slightly obese
because I like them that way. - Okay.
- And I like to get dogs that are heavier.
Even if it's bad for their hips.
I'll just make my house wheelchair accessible.
(Kelly laughs)
You know what I mean? - With the wheels on them.
- Because the more meat...
I just like to get into bed after a long day and just-
- Just cozy. - put a big fat, furry animal
on top of me and rub my face.
And then when it gets too hot, I can just say,
"Get the hell off of me." (Kelly and audience laughing)
You know what I mean?
- Not a dude dog. (laughs)
- That's what I'm looking for in a companion.
(audience applauding)
Yeah. - I have Henry,
that's my dog,
- Oh, yeah.
- and lays right here,
and thinks he's a small dog, but not, very heavy.
So I hear you're also celebrating
the end of Flip Flop season?
- Oh. Oh, yeah. - So...
- I have a problem with men in flip flops.
- Oh, I have a problem with flip flops.
- Oh. Oh, high five. - Yeah.
- Finally. (hands clap)
- I don't appreciate anything between my toes.
- Oh. Oh, you have a problem with...
I have a problem with other people wearing flip flops.
- I don't care what you wanna do with your toes,
but mine shall never have anything in them.
- I feel like...
I understand what you're saying and I respect that.
I also don't like things in between my toes,
but I don't...
I think there's a season for flip flops
and that's called summertime. (Kelly laughs)
And you should be by, you know, an ocean, or a beach,
or a water feature when you're wearing them.
Especially if you're a straight man
who doesn't get pedicures or take care of your feet.
I don't like when men push flip flops
into other seasons
and try and get away with that.
Those are shoes for women. - Looking all unkempt.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- Those are for us and gay men,
people who take care of their shoes and feet.
Sorry, take care of their feet.
- Yeah, I can't take it. - It's also not a shoe,
it's like a flop.
You know, you're not supporting yourself
or protecting yourself from all the gross things out there.
- And you hear yourself coming,
like, you can hear people
coming from a mile away. - (Chelsea laughs) Yes.
- Because of the flip and the flop.
Like you can hear... - Yeah.
- Anyway, just say...
Okay, so it's throwback Thursday,
here you are as a young woman.
I love this photo. It's amazing.
I have no idea you're a beauty queen!
Like it... - Wow.
(audience applauding)
- You are...
This is amazing. You are so beautiful.
And I didn't know...
'Cause your personality, you just read, like,
you would be the one to make fun maybe
or poke fun at the... (laughs)
- Exactly. - So this is the you.
- That, by the way, I was 14 years old in that picture.
- You're 14 in that picture?
- And I look like I'm 65. (laughs)
(audience laughing) Well, I look like I'm 45.
- You look 19.
- Well, I look like the lion king, is what I look like.
(audience laughing) But that-
- Aqua Net. (laughs) - Aqua Net, yeah.
I was from New Jersey, so that was what you did.
- Texas as well. - Every morning,
you got up and made your hair
into a right angle. (Kelly laughs)
Yeah, no, I was in like two beauty pageants
and then I found out you had to have a talent
and I was like, "Ugh, you know, what am I gonna do?"
I can't really dance and I can't play an instrument.
- Does anybody do stand-up? Does anybody-
- Well, no, not in those days.
- Not then? Okay. - Not really.
I mean, not when you're 14, that would've been a good one.
But you get, like, three minutes to show off some talent.
And once I found that out, I was like,
"Oh, I'll just become a model."
And then that failed miserably.
So I became a stand-up comedian.
(Kelly and audience laughing) (audience applauding)
- I saw that, I was like, "Oh my gosh, it's crazy.
It's beautiful."
The dress is beautiful. - Oh, well, thank you.
- Yeah. - Thank you, yeah.
And pageants in the state of New Jersey, growing up,
are something that people take very seriously.
- Also in Texas. - Yes.
(audience applauding) - So, how is
the "Vaccinated and Horny" tour going?
Any favorite moments?
- Well, I just filmed my special in Nashville,
which is the best- - Oh, yeah.
at the Ryman, you know-
- Oh my God. - the Ryman Auditorium-
- I love it. - which is like,
the best place. (audience applauding)
Yeah, so that was a highlight. - What a cool place-
- Yeah. - to do that.
- And it looks really beautiful.
And these are my last 20 dates.
If you go to chelseahandler.com,
I am finishing up my tour for the year.
So I'm finishing...
I'm going to all the smaller cities
that I haven't been to yet.
And yeah, it's been great to be on the road.
I mean, it's great to be able to walk into, you know,
an audience filled with thousands of people
and bring them together, some for the very first times,
and make them laugh.
You know, remind people about togetherness
and forget about the world that we're living in
for an hour and a half.
It's a nice treat to be able to give that
to these people. - It is cool when you look out
and, 'cause at comedy shows I find this too
and musical shows too, you're like,
"Where would all these people be at the same time?"
You know what I'm saying?
It's a random, you know, motley crew of people.
- Yeah. - It's cool.
- Yeah, I had a woman at my show this weekend.
I was in Niagara Falls and she was...
and I started talking to her in the front row
and I realized she was like,
this 79-year-old woman who had taken a bus in
from a town called Pickering, which was like hours away,
and she comes to this casino and she's like,
"I lost my husband a year ago, and I just come out
and take the bus every few weeks to see comedy."
And I gave her my hotel room because I wasn't staying there.
And the Niagara Falls
is lit up at night- - They always give you them.
Yeah. - and so
it's a beautiful view and I was talking to her
before I knew her husband died, I was like...
husband had died, I was like,
"Oh my God, take my room.
You don't have to take the bus home tonight.
Stay here, gamble, hook up,
you know, go back to my room." (hands clapping)
And she was like this little old lady,
she had sized four-and-a-half shoes.
I noticed those right away because they were, you know,
little bite size.
So I was like, "Mm, I like that too."
(all laughing)
And when she came backstage, she's like...
she told me the story about her husband.
I'm like, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry I told you to hook up."
She's like, "No, I might actually hook up, thank you."
(Kelly laughs)
So that was cute. That was a nice treat.
She probably had no idea who she was coming to see, so...
- But you forget though how beautiful that is, like,
that's awesome.
Like maybe there's, like, some kind of darkness
that's happened in her life,
and it's her moment to, like, escape.
That's cool that you're like-
- Yeah, I was a nice moment. - (indistinct) escapism.
- It made me feel good. Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, I like her.
I hope she had a good time.
So was there a moment that you knew
you were meant to do stand-up, like, when you were young?
- You know, I would just always go off on people
and I would like... (Kelly laughs)
- You're like Julia Sugarbaker (both laughing)
on Designing Women. - Yeah.
I just was always arguing with people in school.
Like not other students,
but people in positions of authority, you know?
- Yeah - Like I would always just...
Everyone would just annoy me.
I'm like, "Why does this guy get to tell me what to do?
because I'm eight?
You know, this is like,
I don't like this paradigm."
And so when I got older and I moved to LA,
I didn't really know what I was gonna do.
I thought I'd become an actress or something,
and then I would read other people's lines
and I wasn't very good at reading other things
that people had written.
Like I wanted to write my own material.
And then somebody suggested it.
They were like, "You should do stand-up."
And I was like, "Huh."
I'm like, "Me on stage with a microphone
and nobody else is allowed to talk."
I'm like, (Kelly laughs)
"That's exactly what I should do."
- This is my calling. - I'm like,
"That sounds like a plan I could get behind."
But I was so scared, you know.
Because getting up on stage in front of everybody,
as you know, is scary.
And talking is scary,
so it took a while.
I mean, you got a lot of diarrhea.
I mean, that's what happens.
- And I'm telling you- - Lot of nerves.
- there's a very big difference of what you just said.
'Cause people are like,
"You sing in front of people all the time, like why..."
'Cause sometimes I don't ever get nervous doing this
or like talking like this,
but when they ask me to, like, present
or, like, do something like that
or I have to talk in it,
literally, my stomach is just like (mimics stomach rumbling)
(Chelsea laughs) Like, it's just like what...
'Cause it's so different.
Because with music, I feel like there's melody, there's...
You're locked into, like, a formula of what's happening,
and you're just out there on your own.
Like your own timing,
the crowd's different, they laugh at different thing.
You know what I'm saying?
You're feeding off different energy.
That's way harder.
- Yeah, it is. It is.
But once you get good at it,
and once you have an audience and fans
that are so loyal and come to see you,
it becomes this- - Cathartic kind of thing?
- It's just awesome.
It's awesome to get out there
and just like destroy it, you know.
Like go out there (Kelly laughs)
(hand clapping) and crush the show
and get a standing ovation. (audience applauding)
- Feels good.
- And just watching people's reactions
to the crazy things that come out of your mouth,
you're watching people go, "Oh my God."
You know, like, it gives me joy
to bring that emotion to people.
- I love that it still does that.
- Yeah, I know. - That's so cool.
- I know. - Yeah.
- You know, sometimes it doesn't
and sometimes you have to bring back the joy
in a performance. - Me too.
- So you know, you have to get be in your flow state.
So you always have to remember
that you're performing for your audience, not for yourself.
- Yeah. Amen.
You have had a lot of therapy.
It's nice. (Chelsea laughs)
It's nice.
It's breast cancer awareness month.
I know that you lost your mama to breast cancer.
So what's something that she taught you that stays with you?
- Well, she told me to always wear my seatbelt.
So I always do that even when I don't feel like I should,
or that I don't need to, I always wear my seatbelt.
But I did get my mammogram the other day for...
- Yeah. - Yeah.
'Cause Katie Courick and I,
she said, "Would you post about, you know,
breast cancer awareness?"
And I said, "Of course."
And then I went and got my mammogram
and I was just thinking, like, "What do people do..."
'Cause men have to get tested for breast cancer as well.
And what do men do in those machines that trap you like that
when they don't have any breast tissue
to put in there, you know?
- Yeah, what does it squeeze, yeah?
- I don't know.
But it must be so painful, you know, to put, I mean...
I don't really know where I'm going with this story,
but I was just... - No, but I'll tell you, like,
people kinda scared me about getting a mammogram
and I've had a couple of them and I don't feel...
It didn't bother me, but I mean, I guess I have a boob
so it might hurt if you don't have a boob.
- Yeah, I mean, I have very large breasts
and it hurts badly, so...
- I don't.
- Okay, well that's... (laughs)
- I've just a really good, okay amount and it's really...
it served me well. (hands clapping)
- Yeah. - In mammograms. (laughs)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
'Cause it's not that unpleasant, it's bearable-
but it's unpleasant, - No, my sister is like you.
- is a good word for it, yeah,
I would describe it as unpleasant.
- It's so smart though, 'cause people are...
women are getting younger and younger.
- Yeah, you have to always take care of yourself
and you have to get breast exams
and you have to get colonoscopies at the age of 45.
And they both don't sound appealing and they're not,
but it's just good to get ahead
and have information about anything that might go wrong.
You know- - Yeah, to catch it.
- in your health world.
You wanna be ahead of it, of course.
- Absolutely. - Knowledge is power.
(audience applauding) - Yep.