so you were in a relationship with someone who you identified to be an avoidant and you got
a little upset you may have protested a little bit and you broke up with them what happens now
hey what's going on my beautiful people this is certified life and relationship coach coach court
in today's video we're going to talk about three reasons why an avoidant ex won't chase
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those links are in the description below in today's video we're going to talk about why
a dismissive avoidant ex won't chase you after you've broken up with them or they've broken
up with you i have three reasons why all right but before i get into that i have a quote that i wrote
on instagram i want you guys to kind of reflect on because i think it's a really good quote
and i might be biased about it but if you guys aren't following me the handle is iamcoachcourt
and the quote goes trauma is more than just a hashtag or trending topic it's an unfavorable
life experience so when you're dealing with someone who has an insecure attachment you have
to be mindful about their life experience where they're at and where you're at because anyone
that has an insecure attachment most likely you have some type of trauma a little kid
comes out so it's really important for you guys to be mindful about how you're showing up and how
the other person has um has been affected by what has happened to them in the past the very first
reason why they won't chase you after you break up whether they broke up with you or you broke
up with them uh is they avoid all conflict right they are conflict avoidants this is why they're
called dismissive avoidants because they usually just dismiss your concerns what i've learned from
them what i learned from the community they don't like the feeling of bringing up uncomfortable
topics uncomfortable subjects so whenever i think about that i think of the little kid
coming out all right if if you were to come to them with some type of concern that little boy
or little girl comes out and takes the driver's seat in that person's mind which is part of the
reason why people complain a lot about how they say that they feel dismissive avoidant people are
emotionally immature where they can be a 35 year old man but when you have some type of concern
they regress back to a 15 year old boy with learning how to deal with topics that's the
first reason is they are conflict avoidants you know i really try to have empathy for them this is
where i feel my work with working with um you know at risk youth really plays into the way that i can
coach these days is because i understand that a person has a story and it could be something like
uh let's say that their mom used to yell at them a lot of their dad used to yell at them a lot or
their mom or dad was never home and the only way that they were able to sue themselves was to play
video games or to get caught up in a book but when it comes to those discussions that need to be had
with someone in order to make a relationship stronger in order to build a stronger bond
they just don't have that ability they don't have the the skill set to make that happen but
on the other end the anxious attachers all they want to do is talk all they want to do is build
a stronger bonded connection so it's really that that yen and that yang the second reason why they
will not chase you after a breakup is because they may have felt ashamed or they may feel guilty once
again when you're dealing with someone who has an attachment wound or attachment injury you have to
be mindful about their triggers so whenever i'm thinking about them and i'm thinking about how i
can better coach my clients to be able to interact with them better i think about the little boy or
the little girl that feels so ashamed and so guilty that they just don't know how to proceed
they're better off just like freezing it's like a fight or flight response they're just better off
freezing and just letting the storm pass by they don't know how to get themselves out of trouble
or how to get themselves out of hot water if you want to call it but in our opinion it's not
hot water it's just having healthy communication skills and solving issues but for them they see it
as hot water they see it as being a bad spouse or a bad girlfriend or boyfriend they say to someone
as being inadequate in relationships so they feel so much shame and guilt about that that they say
well in order for things not to get worse i'm just gonna you know shell up and let the storm
pass me by and that usually just ends up making it worse it's like the quote by jordan peterson
he said um conflict avoided is conflict magnified so if you don't deal with it it's just going to
grow they're so used to sweeping things under the rug they don't need to deal with things
because usually things just resolve on their own but it doesn't happen that way when it comes to
relationships so when you break up with someone that's an avoidant and you're wondering like what
happened we had a really strong connection we had a really strong bond so i have no clue why
this person isn't even trying to pursue me i i was talking to a client one time and she said that um
she was dealing with a guy and after she broke up with them actually she went on a lunch with
them and he knew he knew it was about to be the breakup talk and he knew that he wasn't showing
up the way that he should and she was talked about how he was an avoidant and he was very well aware
of him being an avoidant and when they got there you know they picked their their normal spot
and she started talking about i'm glad you could meet me today and he was like yep go ahead i know
you're gonna say it and she's like what so you're you're gonna break up with me people always do
like this is this is so normal and she's like no she had been seeing him for about eight months she
said no that's not the case i just wanted to talk to you about some things that was on my mind some
concerns and i wanted to see you know how we could correct these problems that's just another example
sometimes they're aware but other times they're doing these things subconsciously it's a way
to protect themselves for danger and i talk about it in my old videos back from 2020 it's the turtle
going back into the shell because it doesn't feel safe and when it feels safe that's when you'll
see the turtle just pop his head out a little bit more are able to connect with you again and able
to talk to you about whatever issues you guys may have and the last reason that an avoidant
will not chase you after a breakup is because it's too vulnerable for them and they believe that it
makes them look weak it makes them look vulnerable it makes them look like they're dependent on you
and that's one of the things that they never want to do they don't want to look like they need you
and like you're someone that was special in their life and i know that's all you're
asking for most of the time when you're breaking up with them and you're feeling like you're an
inadequate like you're not you know adequate enough and like you're not the person that
they want to be with or whatever you plug whatever scenario you want to plug in there but they
usually don't want to give you that satisfaction because it makes them look like all right i
need someone in my life what i learned is that usually when that happens it comes back from
just how much they had to do for themselves when they were younger and how much they had to work
they may have had to pay help mom and dad pay the bills and they they always took pride and great
pleasure in knowing that they don't need anyone like it's just me and that's all i need you know
if anyone else comes into my life as an accessory i actually had avoidants tell me like maybe i'm
meant to be alone you know avoidants that were 50 years old maybe i'm maybe i'm meant to be alone
and like why do i need anyone because it doesn't always seem to work out so and i realized the
problem is me and i'm not showing up and they've people have said this you know an abundance of
times so um so those are my three things that i have you why they won't chase you after a breakup
and i know you may have this scenario that you're making up in your head like oh maybe they're
seeing someone else and maybe they're doing this and maybe they're doing that well they may be
but at the end of the day there's nothing you can do about it you can show up the best way that you
can you can try to be as secure as you can you can try to help coach them to become the person that
you would like for them to be in the future or you know just kind of help them become the best
versions of themselves but most of the time people don't want to be changed and they don't want to be
told how to live and what to do so all that you can do is to just show up and be your best self
and hope that they will follow suit so if you found this video of any value please click the
link right here where i talk about whether or not you should even try to reattract an avoidant and
if you want to follow me my other social media accounts twitter instagram facebook
is iamcoachcourt and always remember when you go be love you'll never have to find it namaste
you