- Push! - Ow!
- Push!
- Don't you tell me what to do,
I will destroy you on Yelp!
- All right, just keep going, here we go!
(Shayne and Amanda shouting)
Whoa! - Whoa!
Oh!
- [Shayne] It's a Karen!
- Your uterus is filthy,
I have half a mind to call health services on you!
- (gasps) Don't you dare call health services on me!
You're covered in my disgusting placenta.
Who is your superior?
- I am my own superior, bitch!
- She's a total piece of (bleep),
just like her mother.
- Oh, thank you so much, she's a gorgeous piece of (bleep),
and I love her so much.
You're a piece of (bleep) as well.
- You're a piece of (bleep), (bleep) you.
- (bleep) you!
(bell rings)
- [Comedians] I pledge allegiance to the concept
of pretending to be the victim, no matter what.
I solemnly swear to talk to a manager
whenever we see it to be fit or unfit.
- Now film the stranger!
- Film the stranger! - Film the stranger!
- One, two, three, now film the neighbor!
- Filming the neighbor! - Filming the neighbor!
- One, two, three, now cut someone off in the carpool lane!
- [Comedians] Cutting someone off in the carpool lane!
- Cutting someone off in the carpool lane!
- [Comedians] Cutting someone off in the carpool lane!
- Now call the police!
- [Comedians] I'm calling the police!
- Now play the victim!
- I am the victim! - I'm the victim!
- I'm the victim here!
- I'm a victim!
- You're getting called out on Twitter!
- Oh, you shut the fuck up! - You can't cancel me!
- Now, sue, sue, sue! - Sue!
- I'm suing you!
- Sue! - Sue!
- I'm suing you! - Sue!
- (gags) Oh my God, a masked person?
(alarm blaring) A masked person?
This communist is trying to take away my rights!
- You are a devil worshiper!
- If you don't take that mask off right now,
you hate America!
Do you hate America? - Yes!
No mask!
- No mask! - No mask!
- Fine, fine, fine, geez!
I'm vaccinated anyways!
(comedians gasping)
- A vaccinated person!
- Whoa! (alarm blaring)
- Oh my God, I need to- - Oh!
You better mask up, 'cause you don't wanna
catch the vaccination through the air!
- (groans) Oh, a vaccinated person in this area!
Call the police, let everybody know!
We need to evacuate!
- Call my church!
Tell them they're gonna find Jesus!
- Six feet!
- Oh, why would you touch my face if you?
Stop! - Six feet, six feet!
- [Amanda] Put your finger in his mouth! (Shayne groaning)
(tense droning music)
- Breaking news, Karen Cooper has posted
a vague conspiracy theory to Facebook today,
with 300 comments so far, and 600 angry face reactions.
The status post says, and I quote,
Del Taco is run by a bunch of Satan worshipers
who wanna eat my children!
We here at Channel 3 News can confirm that
that is in fact true, because it was posted on Facebook.
Every liberal wants to eat my children.
I know they're (bleep)ing tasty, but like, avoid it.
They're just, stop that insanity.
- What is taking that waitress so long?
- What is taking you so long?
- Me?
- You should've ordered already!
And who styled your hair?
Were you on drugs when it happened?
Who is in charge of you?
I would like to speak to whoever's in charge of you!
Ew, do you have a hair in your mouth?
- Yes.
- You need to get out of this restaurant.
- Dang.
- [Narrator] Welcome to New York Fashion Week.
First, we have Karen, modeling the new Target
mommy needs wine tee, with a giant bedazzled
denim baseball hat, very chic.
Second, here's Karen, who is wearing ill-fitted capri jeans
and accessorizing with a Starbucks cup
with a way too complicated order.
Ah, and here we have Karen,
modeling a spiky A-line haircut with skunk highlights,
and covered from head to toe in waiter tears.
- [Courtney] You need to open this door!
- You are infringing upon my rights!
- Open this door, you need to open-
- You need to open this door right now, I will sue!
- Open this door up! - I will sue!
I have a million lawsuits coming for your (bleep)ing face!
(clock beeps)
- Oh, good work to me.
- Oh, that was very nice.
- Same time tomorrow?
- I think this was the most productive day
of my entire life.
- [Amanda] I feel like a hero.
- [Shayne] Time for "White House, Black Market."
(tense dramatic music)
(explosion booms)
(gunfire bursting)
- Okay, you bring it on, you socialist-loving Russian!
(gun clicks)
(guns clatter)
I wanna know who's in charge here!
- No, I want to know who's in charge here!
- Well, I wanna know who your manager is,
'cause I'd like to give him a piece of my mind!
- Well, I'd like to speak to your manager first,
before you speak to mine, because I matter more than you!
- I don't think so, I'm a white-blooded American,
and my DNA is better!
- The motherland would never appreciate
that you said that about my land.
- America is the motherland of Christ!
- Give me the phone number of CEO of US of A, please.
- I'm not giving him your number.
- Give me number of CEO, I talk to him myself,
complain about America.
- That'll be four my child
is an honor student bumper stickers.
- Okay, I only have three of those,
and a my dog is my other child one.
- Oh, that one's very cute.
Well, okay, just throw in one that says,
ain't no shame in the minivan game, and we're all good.
- Yeah, okay, right here. (laughs)
- Oh, there it is!
I love it! (comedians laughing)
It's so cute!
- Oh, thank you!
- I love it.
- (laughs) I love wine.
- I love wine.
- I now pronounce you not good enough for her,
and a showy bitch who needs a big wedding.
Now go forth and make a bunch of Republican babies!
(crowd applauding) (Damien laughing)
The (bleep) are you looking at?
God's country.
- Do you to note to the CEO.
- I have no idea what you said!
(Courtney laughs)
- Also, every liberal has horns.
You might not see them, but they're in the heart.
(Kimmy laughing)
- Would you like to go see "Mamma Mia 2"
with me after your shift?
- Oh my God, I would absolutely love to see "Mamma Mia 2,"
can we get (bleep)ed up?
- Absolutely, I know a theater
that just sells vodka on the rye.
- (gasps) I love theaters.
- [Director] Cut.
- Yeah, I have no idea.
- I am so proud of both of you!
This is what you came here for, and you are getting it!
- Thanks.
- Wait a go, you guys are warriors.
- Lord be with you.
- That's right, also with you. - And also with you.
- Live, laugh, love. - Love!
- Under his eye.
- That's right. - Ow!
- That's right.
(comedians laughing)
- My hips don't work!
My knees can't bend anymore!
- Cut!
- You guys hold each other's hands weird.
- I know, it's fun.
- I guess sex tonight's gonna be interesting.
- We don't do that.
- Oh yeah, now go forth and have sex with each other
with your clothes on.
- Who are you?
I like you.
- We should go get wine, we're open again, come on in!
- Okay. - Oh, yay!
- Do you like chardonnay?
- Mask off, mask off!
- Oh, right, sorry.
- We got an opening right-
- All right, this sign is very large!
- [Ian] Thanks for getting-
- This is sign is very big.
- [Courtney] Wow, what's the opposite of oppressed?
- [Amanda] Depressed!
(everyone laughing)
- [Director] Cut!