WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE TO
"THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WANT TO START OFF BY WISHING
EVERYBODY A HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY.
THE G.O.P. WOULD SAY NO IT'S NOT BECAUSE THE PILLOW GUY HAS
EVIDENCE OF MILLIONS OF DAYS HACKED INTO THE CALENDAR BY DEAD
HUGO CHAVEZ.
THE QUESTION IS OBVIOUSLY EVERY YEAR WHICH PRESIDENT ARE WE
CELEBRATING?
CHECK YOUR LOCAL DINER PLACE MATS BECAUSE DEPENDING ON WHICH
STATE YOU LIVE IN TODAY COULD HONOR THE FIRST PRESIDENT, FIRST
AND THIRD, FIRST AND 16 16th PRESIDENTS OR ALL
PRESIDENTS.
AS A TRADITIONALIST I BELIEVE TODAY WE HONOR GEORGE
WASHINGTON, ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND RUTHERFORD B. MATTRESS SALE.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE
PRESIDENT ON THIS PRESIDENTS DAY, I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YOU.
BECAUSE RUSSIA CONTINUES TO BE RUSSIA.
THEY HAVE BEEN AMASSING TROOPS AROUND UKRAINE FOR WEEKS, AND
THIS WEEKEND, BIDEN SAID THAT PUTIN HAS MADE THE DECISION TO
INVADE.
PLUS, U.S. INTELLIGENCE ( SAYS AN ORDER HAS BEEN GIVEN TO
RUSSIAN SUBORDINATES TO PROCEED WITH A FULL-SCALE ATTACK.
THAT SOUNDS BAD, BUT THERE MIGHT STILL BE TIME TO STOP THE
INVASION.
BECAUSE, THE BIG RUSSIAN GENERAL HAS TO TELL THE SLIGHTLY SMALLER
GENERAL WHO HAS TO TELL THE SLIGHTLY SMALLER GENERAL
AND SO ON.
THEY CAN'T FIND THE TINIEST COMMANDER CUZ HE WAS EATEN BY
THE DOG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE U.S. SAYS RUSSIA'S LOOKING
FOR AN EXCUSE TO INVADE, SO PEOPLE GOT PRETTY NERVOUS ON
SATURDAY, WHEN RUSSIAN SEPARATISTS STARTED SHELLING
UKRAINIAN ARMY POSITIONS, WHICH U.S. OFFICIALS WARN COULD BE
THE PRELUDE TO DIRECT RUSSIAN MILITARY ACTION.
NOW, CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED, BUT ONCE YOU'RE SHELLING, THAT'S
PRETTY MUCH "DIRECT MILITARY ACTION."
SLOW DOWN, YOU TWO.
I'M WORRIED THIS GETTING COMPLETELY NAKED AND BUMPING
JUNK MIGHT LEAD TO DIRECT SEXUAL ACTION.
( LAUGHTER ) RUSSIAN OFFICIALS -- I'M
WATCHING IT WHILE IT'S HAPPENING.
I'M A REFEREE?
HOPE I HAVE A WHISTLE.
( LAUGHTER ) UKRAINIAN OFFICIALS AND OUTSIDE
OBSERVERS SAY THE SHELLING CAME EXCLUSIVELY FROM THE
SEPARATISTS.
BUT THE RUSSIAN SEPARATISTS CLAIM THERE WAS SHELLING FROM
BOTH SIDES.
IT'S A REAL "HE SHELLED, SHE SHELLED BY THE SEA SHORE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE SHELLED?
HE SHELLED SHE SHELLED.
YESTERDAY, THE WHITE HOUSE SAID BIDEN HAS AGREED TO MEET WITH
PUTIN 'IN PRINCIPLE' AS LONG AS RUSSIA DOES NOT INVADE UKRAINE.
OKAY, BUT THAT SEEMS TO GO WITHOUT SAYING.
IT'S LIKE A WEDDING R.S.V.P.
THAT SAYS >> STEPHEN: THIS POTENTIAL
SUMMIT IS THE BRAINCHILD OF FRENCH PRESIDENT AND MAN
PRACTICING "CROTCHPLOMACY," EMMANUEL MACRON.
HE WANTS TO GET THE THREE OF THEM TOGETHER.
THAT'S THE FRENCH FOR YOU.
ALWAYS TRYING TO START A MENAGE-A-TROIS.
(AS MACRON) VLAD, JOE, WHY DON'T YOU START
FORGING DIPLOMATIC TIES?
OVER ON THAT REALLY TABLE?
I WILL JUST SIT HERE AND WATCH.
KISSING!
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
POOR FRIDGE.
U.S. SECRETARY OF STATE ANTONY BLINKEN "FACED THE NATION"
YESTERDAY, AND REITERATED THE PRESIDENT'S WILLINGNESS TO MEET:
>> PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS MADE VERY CLEAR THAT HE'S PREPARED TO MEET
PRESIDENT PUTIN AT ANY TIME, IN ANY FORMAT IF THAT CAN HELP
PREVENT A WAR.
>> STEPHEN: ANY FORMAT?
I VOTE KARAOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS BIDEN)
VLAD, WE CAN WORK THIS OUT WITH THE POWER OF MUSIC.
LET'S DO SHALLOW: (SINGING)
TELL ME SOMETHING, JACK.
C'MON!
DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO SING THAT SONG, UNFORTUNATELY.
TELL ME SOMETHING, JACK, COME ON!
HOW DOES THAT GO?
LET'S GET SHALLOW.
>> Jon: WING IT, WING IT.
>> Stephen: BLINKEN WASN'T THE ONLY ONE
"FACING THE NATION'S FACE."
RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S., ANATOLY ANTONOV, WAS ALSO ON TO
TELL MARGARET BRENNAN THERE WAS NO REASON TO HAVE HIM ON.
>> THERE IS NO INVASION AND THERE IS NO SUCH PLANS.
RUSSIAN TROOPS ARE ON SOVEREIGN RUSSIAN TERRITORY.
WE DON'T THREATEN ANYONE.
>> STEPHEN: YES, RUSSIA'S NOT THREATENING ANYONE.
THAT'S JUST HOW THEY SHOW AFFECTION.
IN RUSSIA, IF A BOY SURROUNDS YOUR HOUSE WITH TANKS, THAT'S A
PROM-POSAL.
( LAUGHTER ) ANTONOV ALSO DOUBLED DOWN ON THE
LIE THAT RUSSIA IS WITHDRAWING TROOPS.
>> YOU'LL SEE THAT WE DID A LOT OF TO WITHDRAW OUR TROOPS FROM
VARIOUS REGIONS THAT ARE VERY CLOSE TO BALTIC STATES, TO
EASTERN EUROPEAN STATES.
WE WITHDRAWAL A LOT OF TROOPS FROM KALININGRAD AREA.
AND NOBODY EVEN SAID US THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: WOW...
THAT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.
DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT AT ALL, DOES IT, JON?
THAT IS JUST RUDE!
NO "THANK YOU"?
HOW HARD WOULD IT HAVE BEEN FOR THE LITHUANIANS TO SEND A NICE
CARD THAT SAID ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE PUTIN IS ANXIOUS TO ATTEND THIS
SUMMIT, BECAUSE TODAY, HE ABRUPTLY SUMMONED HIS SECURITY
COUNCIL.
YOU CAN TELL IT MADE THEM NERVOUS BY HOW FAR AWAY FROM HIM
THEY SAT.
ACCORDING TO PUTIN, THIS MEETING WAS A SURPRISE.
AS HE TOLD THEM: EVERY ONE OF YOU KNOWS, AND I
SPECIALLY WANT TO UNDERLINE IT, I DID NOT DISCUSS ANY OF THIS
WITH YOU BEFORE.
I DID NOT ASK YOUR OPINION BEFORE.
AND THIS IS HAPPENING SPONTANEOUSLY, BECAUSE I WANTED
TO HEAR YOUR OPINIONS WITHOUT ANY PRELIMINARY PREPARATION.
(AS PUTIN) PLEASE, BE HONEST.
DO YOU BELIEVE I AM RIGHT ON THE MATTER OF UKRAINE
OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME ADMIRE THE VIEW OUT THE WINDOW?
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK HOW FAR THE STREET IS!
( LAUGHTER ) THE MEETING CAUSED TENSION FOR
JUST ABOUT EVERYONE.
LOOK AT THIS ACTUAL COMMENT ON THE YOUTUBE LIVESTREAM:
"PLEASE DO NOT START A FRICKIN' WAR WE NEED BITCOIN TO GO UP."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FINALLY, A CALL FOR SANITY-- THIS VIOLENCE COULD AFFECT OUR
FAD PURCHASES.
IT'S LIKE THOSE FAMOUS PROTEST SIGNS DURING VIETNAM:
MAKE LOVE, NOT HIGHER PRICES ON SEA MONKEYS.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST HOURS AFTER HIS SURPRISE
MEETING, PUTIN GAVE A SPEECH RECOGNIZING THE I WANT OF MOSCOW
BACKED BREAKAWAY REGIONS IN EASTERN UKRAINE AND CALLING THE
EASTERN PART OF THE COUNTRY ANCIENT RUSSIAN LANDS.
SO THEY'RE INDEPENDENT, BUT ALSO BELONG TO RUSSIA.
PUTIN'S JUST LIVING THE SPIRIT OF THAT OLD SAYING:
IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING LET IT GO.
IF IT DOESN'T COME BACK, SURROUND IT WITH 190,000 TROOPS.
THEN ASK IT AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT, STATE
TELEVISION SHOWED PUTIN AT THE KREMLIN SIGNING DECREES
RECOGNIZING THE SO-CALLED DONETSK AND LUHANSK PEOPLE'S
REPUBLICS, AND ALSO SIGNED FRIENDSHIP AND MUTUAL ASSISTANCE
TREATIES ALSO SIGNED FRIENDSHIP AND MUTUAL ASSISTANCE TREATIES
WITH THE NEW FAKE COUNTRIES.
MUTUAL ASSISTANCE MEANS HE'S CREATING HIS OWN THREE-COUNTRY
DEFENSE PACT.
WE'VE GOT NATO.
HE'S GOT: INVADE-O.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HE'S ALREADY ORDERED RUSSIAN
TROOPS TO GO IN AS PEACE-KEEPERS TO DEFEND HIS MADEUP PUPPET
COUNTRIES.
KEEP IN MIND, LAST WEEK, SECRETARY BLINKEN WARNED THAT
SUCH A MOVE WOULD NECESSITATE A SWIFT AND FIRM RESPONSE FROM THE
UNITED STATES IN FULL COORDINATION WITH OUR ALLIES AND
PARTNERS.
SWIFT AND FIRM.
SO IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT, THE UNITED STATES
BROUGHT THE HAMMER DOWN, ON --NOT VLADIMIR PUTIN.
INSTEAD, WE WILL IMPOSE LIMITED ECONOMIC SANCTIONS ON THE TWO
SEPARATIST REGIONS, BUT WOULD STOP SHORT OF IMPOSING ANY
PENALTIES DIRECTLY ON RUSSIA FOR NOW.
THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE CRACKING DOWN ON THE ECONOMY OF EASTERN
UKRAINE.
SO GET READY FOR HIGHER PRICES ON BLEAK.
( LAUGHTER ) THANKFULLY, THE OTHER
MAJOR INTERNATIONAL CONFLICT HAS ENDED;
THE WINTER OLYMPICS CLOSED LAST NIGHT, AND IN THE SPIRIT OF
SPORTSMANSHIP AND GLOBAL HARMONY, LET'S BOO THE TEAM THAT
BEAT US FOR MOST MEDALS: NORWAY.
BOOO!
I HATE SOMETHING!
I WILL LEARN ABOUT YOU LATER--WHAT DO THEY HAVE?
PICKLED HERRING?
# BOO!
STUPID SALTY FISH!
BOO, LICORICE!
OF COURSE NORWAY WON THE WINTER OLYMPICS-- THEY INVENTED WINTER.
AMERICANS WOULD DOMINATE IF IT WAS THE "GETTING IN A FISTFIGHT
OVER STEAK AT THE GOLDEN CORRAL" OLYMPICS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NORWAY!
IT'S NORDIC SPORTS.
NORD IS IN THEIR NAME!
IT'S LIKE LOSING A SWIMMING CONTEST WITH AQUAMAN.
THE TOP 5 GOLD-GETTING NATIONS WERE
NORWAY WITH 16 GERMANY WITH 12
CHINA WITH 9 THEN THE U.S. AND SWEDEN WITH
EIGHT EACH.
YEAH, WE TIED SWEDEN, BUT WE STILL WIN, BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO
ASSEMBLE THEIR OWN MEDALS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
AND I HAVE PIECES LEFT OVER.
SOME ATHLETES GOT MORE THAN A MEDAL.
LIKE ONE CROSS-COUNTRY SKIER, WHO SUFFERED FROM FROZEN PENIS.
OR AS IT'S KNOWN BY ITS OFFICIAL MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS:
CHILLY WILLY.
( LAUGHTER ) POOR GUY.
POOR GUY!
WE'RE LAUGHING AT THIS MAN'S FROZEN PENIS.
THE FROZEN PENIS IN QUESTION IS PRESENTLY ATTACHED TO WINTER
ATHLETE REMI LINDHOLM, SEEN HERE WISHING HIS PENIS WAS WARMER.
HOW DID THE DONGSICLE COME ABOUT?
LINDHOLM SPENT OVER AN HOUR SKIING IN HOWLING, FREEZING
WINDS, LEADING TO HIS PENIS BECOMING FROZEN FOR THE SECOND
TIME IN A CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING RACE.
THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE?
AND HE KEPT SKIING?
IF BEING IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER GAVE 'ME' FROZEN PENIS,
I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED.
IT IS VERY COLD IN HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY OKAY?
EVERYBODY OKAY?
YOU OKAY OVER THERE?
LINDHOLM'S FROSTY GROIN WAS SO BAD, THAT AFTER THE RACE, HE HAD
TO USE A HEAT PACK TO TRY TO THAW OUT HIS APPENDAGE.
OK, YOU GOTTA DO IT.
BUT REMEMBER, NEVER LET YOUR PENIS DEFROST ON THE COUNTER.
PUT IT IN A BOWL OF WATER IN THE FRIDGE.
SALMONELLA.
( LAUGHTER ) IF THIS SOUNDS PAINFUL, YES.
AS LINDHOLM SAID: WHEN THE BODY PARTS STARTED TO
WARM UP AFTER THE FINISH, THE PAIN WAS UNBEARABLE,.
AS OPPOSED TO 'BEARABLE' FROZEN PENIS?
HEY, MAN, I HEARD YOUR PENIS FROZE.
YEAH, IT WAS OKAY.
ANYBODY NEED TO HANG A TOWEL?
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I HAVE A MAJOR UPDATE ON N.F.T.S.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )