- Guys, mushrooms and the abandoned "M.A.S.H."
[laughter]
I can't imagine a better thing to do on mushrooms.
[dark electronic music]
♪
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,
and tonight the topic is psychedelia.
[cheers and applause]
Please help me welcome to the stage
Mat Edgar and Ari Shaffir.
It was, like, three, four years ago, we all decided--
we found--somebody looked in their freezer,
and they looked in the back, like,
"Oh, I have, like, an ounce of mushrooms,"
and, like, "Well, let's do those..."
both: "Right now."
- So we're like, "Let's go camping,"
and, like, "Okay," and we left at, like, 5:45 p.m.
to go to Malibu Creek State Park,
which took us, like, 3 1/2, 4 hours to get there.
It was great, but then we're trying to set this tent up...
- In the complete dark. - Yeah, by iPhone light.
And not the good iPhone, where you have the flashlight,
the fucking shitty iPhone 3, like an immigrant.
"Okay," just the front-facing thing, you know?
- We're using the screen...
- Yeah, the screen? - On full brightness.
- No.
And it was hard to set this tent up.
By the way, as soon as we got there,
everybody jumps out of the van we're all in.
Everybody jumps out, and they all go,
"Mushrooms! Mushrooms! Mushrooms!"
And we're like, "No, tent, first tent.
- Set up the tent. - Yeah.
- We're gonna need the tent after the mushrooms.
- Yeah, so we tried to set it up.
It was a big tent we had too.
- I mean, we're, like, climbing over each other,
sticking stakes-- I had his Jew 'fro in my mouth,
like, three times.
That's what Jew 'fro tastes like.
- Yeah, what does it taste like? - Money.
Stupid, stupid idiot.
- It's, like, a 20.
[laughter]
- That's a good bill.
- Yeah, I would have said 5, but that doesn't taste--
- Come on, that's insulting.
So we're trying to set this tent up,
and we don't know how to do it.
We're fucking--it's difficult.
We're trying to get it-- and by the way,
our one friend, Madonia, refuses to help.
- Oh, yeah.
He took the liberty of being the grinder of the mushrooms.
- Yeah, he was like, "You guys set the tent up.
I'll grind the mushrooms, so they're ready."
- It was like, "Don't break your back, Dan."
[laughter]
- Yeah, he was like, "I'm really good at grinding."
Like, what, doing this?
- This?
- Where'd you go to school for that?
- It's a grinder. It's made to be simple.
- Yeah, we could just do it afterwards.
He's like, "Trust me. I'm really good."
I'm like, "All right, fucking idiot, don't help."
- That was a huge tent too.
- It was hard. It was hard.
- It was two-story. - It was not two stories.
It was a nice tent, but it was not two stories.
It was, like, an eight-person tent.
- It had a chimney. - It did not have a chimney.
Stop it. - It came with a receptionist.
- All right, it did not come with a receptionist.
It was a nice seven-, eight-person tent,
but it was hard.
We couldn't set it up.
Our real problem was that it was just us there.
- There was no men.
- Yeah, there was no men.
- It was a bunch of dudes...
- Yeah.
- That never camp.
Finally, our buddy Marino's girlfriend was like,
"Just move out of the way."
- Yeah, she took care of it.
She was like, "You hold that pipe.
You hold that pipe. Just do it."
- She was like a foreman.
And in, like, five minutes, there it was.
- Yeah, all set up. - Perfectly.
- It was great then. Then we took the mushrooms.
- Yeah, took the mushrooms,
and for the next hour, there's that, like--
- Yeah, there's that moment of, like, "Has it kicked in yet?"
- "Did you feel anything?" - "I don't know.
"I think I might feel it. Do you feel it?
I don't know. I sort of feel it."
- "No, that was a fart." - "Oh, okay.
Maybe I feel it."
And then when they hit, like, 45 minutes in, an hour in,
they're just like this whoosh, and you're like, "Oh, yeah.
"Oh, I don't know what I was talking about before.
- Yeah. - This is..."
- No question.
- "Yeah, this is for sure it now."
- And that's how we-- that's how we knew
the 'shrooms were working, was when we couldn't stop laughing
at how perfectly we nailed the tent.
- Yes, it looked so good.
- Just like on the box.
- It looked just like on the box.
- Like, I put the box next to the tent.
I was like, "Which one do I sleep in?"
- It's so good. It looked so good.
- The picture on the box even had a camper
sleeping in front of the tent, and our friend Luke
just so happened to pass out in front of the tent,
so it was, like, it even came with Luke.
- Look at that. - Like...
- Guys, we fucking nailed it. We nailed it.
And when mushrooms happen, as soon as it starts happening,
you start laughing at everything...
- Oh, crying, just-- - First at tent.
Willie--our buddy Willie...
- Willie kept on guessing the time.
He was so dialed in.
- No clock, no watch, none of that.
- Just, "11:58."
- And we'd be like, "What the fuck?
No fucking way!"
- "Thank you." - "How'd you do that?"
- A few minutes would go by, "12:13."
- "No way, man. Fuck!"
It would just happen over and over again.
Oh, man, good times.
By the way, that was as good as it got for Willie.
- Oh, yeah.
- That was his pinnacle.
- Yeah.
- Mushrooms gives you good times and bad times,
then good times again.
That was--he never had the good times again.
It was just there and then gone.
- I've never seen anybody walk home from a camping trip.
[laughter]
Willie slept in his bed that night.
[laughter]
I called him a few hours.
I was like, "Willie, where are you?"
He was like, "I'm freaking out in McDonald's, man."
He was like, "Yeah, everybody's looking at me."
"Like, because you're probably making a scene, Willie."
Like...
- Walking to McDonald's. We were gonna get him at first.
We're like, "Where are you? Where can we pick you up?"
He's like, "I'm at McDonald's." We're like, "Oh."
- We're like, "Oh, you're--you're fucked."
- "Yeah, we can't-- we can't get you from there."
- And he's like, "Yeah, I think we need to go
our separate ways."
I was like, "Yeah, we definitely
can't get you right now."
"No, no, no, I mean, in life."
I was like, "Are you breaking up with me
on the phone?"
- He thought he was better than us.
- Earlier that day, he had signed a contract
to shoot a pilot for NBC,
so he's in McDonald's, and he's telling me, he's like--
he's like, "You know, like, lookit.
I'm a big-time TV writer now."
[laughter]
"And you're just taking drugs out in the wilderness.
Like, you're--you're a loser."
And I was like, "Willie, you're tripping balls in a McDonald's."
[laughter]
"You're not better than me."
- "You're not better than anybody, bro.
You ain't better than anybody."
- He's like, "I know, I know, I know.
"I just--I just don't want to lose this, all right?
"I just--I've worked so hard.
"I finally got something.
"I just don't want to-- hey, you.
"What are you looking at?
"Yeah, you. What the fuck you looking at?
I got to go."
"Willie? Willie?"
- "Hey, where is he? Where is he?"
He's like, "He won't answer the phone anymore."
- Willie's in some shit with some guy in McDonald's,
and there's nothing we could do.
- Anyway, whatever, but that was later.
So then earlier, here was the plan,
Malibu Creek State Park.
I don't know if you've ever been there,
but tell them what it is.
- Oh, Malibu State Park is where--
Malibu Creek State Park is where they shot
the TV show "M.A.S.H."
So one of the novelties of camping here
is that you could take a trail and go see
the ruins of "M.A.S.H."; they left the whole set there.
- Yeah, they left the whole set there.
It's all there, which, guys,
mushrooms and the abandoned "M.A.S.H."
[laughter]
I can't imagine a better thing to do on mushrooms than go--
- I mean, the set of "M.A.S.H." is one thing.
It's, like, whatever, but then on mushrooms?
- Yeah, for sure.
- We're going.
- Yeah, by the way, just spoiler alert: we never found it.
- Oh, we never made it, no. - We never got there.
He went, like, two years later and found out it was, like,
15 minutes away from where we hiked--where we camped...
- It was right under our nose.
- But we could've never found it.
- And, you know.
- So we smoked this joint.
We were gonna, like, we took it all.
We were like, "Let's do it." We're all laughing.
We're like, "All right, it's time to go find 'M.A.S.H.'"
And then we smoked this joint.
Our friend Erik Marino had this joint.
By the way, the dispensary owner who sold it to him
said it was really strong, and he was like, "Really?"
And the guy said, "This joint is named
The Joint that Will Kick You in the Face."
[laughter]
And here's the deal.
If you're a stoner, and I know most of you are,
when somebody warns you about the potency of weed,
it's just like, "Who the hell are you talking to, man?"
- How dare you? - Yeah, how dare you?
Like, if they give you, like, a cookie, like,
"Only take half of this," it's like, "Fuck you.
"Now I'm taking three of them.
How dare you say you know me?"
[laughter]
- Those are fightin' words. - Yeah, exactly.
So we smoke this joint, and then we're like,
"Let's start walking," and--
- That's when we broke up. - Yeah.
Well, me, okay, I was in the front of this, like, line.
It was me and, like, Erik--no, not Erik Marino,
Dan Madonia, and this guy Ryan Mirvis,
and we all start walking, and you just held back
with the rest of the people.
- Well, my buddy Marino started throwing up,
'cause the joint literally kicked him in his face, and...
- But it was a good--
- The guy that bought the joint that initially laughed
in the face of the guy that sold it to him
was throwing up, because he coughed too hard.
- Yeah, but it was a mushroom throw-up.
That's a good throw-up. It's not like a normal throw-up.
Mushroom throw-up is like...
[coughs and retches]
[laughing]
[retching and laughing]
So many shades of brown.
- The laughter between the heaves.
- Yeah, so we start-- we were gone,
and we didn't even know they weren't even behind us.
We never looked back.
- Yeah, I went back to get Marino some water
and help him out, and that's when the cop showed up.
You've seen the flashlight in the dark.
You know that's only one thing.
Like... [imitates siren chirping]
The po-po here.
- What did you say, by the way, when the cop showed up?
What did you say?
- Oh, that's the beautiful thing about mushrooms is that, like,
it takes away your filter.
Like, you're the most animalistic you
you would ever be.
So when he shined the light at me
right in front of his face, I was like, "Uh-oh."
- That's the last thing you want to say to a cop,
is the words "uh-oh."
No matter what you're doing, if any cop shows up,
you're like, "Oh, fuck, a cop,"
just don't say that.
- "Oh, no. You got me, Officer." - "Uh-oh."
Like, "Oh, I'm gonna search you now," like...
- That's probably why he asked if I was on drugs...
- Yeah, when you go, "Uh-oh." - Now that I look back on it.
- This guy was a dick, though.
That's what Marino and all of them said.
That guy was, like, not fucking around.
- He was a dick.
He threw the whole, "You know, there's a jail
"about 20 miles away, and I don't mind driving there.
Do you guys want to drive there?"
And I was like, "Well, no," like--
- Why are you in charge right now?
Why are you the guy talking to him?
- Normally, I would never be the guy to talk to the cops,
but, you know, Willie's freaking out
trying to figure out what time it is.
- Yeah.
He was still like, "Hello, Officer.
What are you doing here at 1:17?"
[laughter]
And Mat's like, "Willie, not now. Not now."
The cop was like...
- "This isn't part of the trip, Willie."
- Yeah, Marino's barfing.
Becca's all huddled up in the corner.
- Yeah, I was just the guy. - Luke is still passed out.
- And at the time, I had a lot to lose,
because back then, my dad was running for State Assembly.
[laughter]
So I just didn't want to fuck up the whole campaign.
- By the way, I love how you say you have a lot to lose
because your dad is running for State Assembly.
- I'd never be able to go back home.
- He's the one running; you're gonna fuck it up,
but you have the-- it's so selfish.
[laughter]
- Well...
- "I'd be grounded."
He would fucking lose his whole career.
"I could've gotten grounded, you guys."
- That would--that would ruin everything for me.
- [laughs]
- So I had no choice but to stay in the pocket, you know?
Like, I had to stay focused on what the cop was saying.
"Yes, no," you know.
He's like, "How old are you guys?"
Like, "Well, I'm 26.
"Willie just turned 26.
Becca's 23."
And he goes, "How old's that guy?"
Pointed to the guy-- Marino throwing up.
I was like, "He's 40.
"What a loser, right, Officer?
Like, come on, Marino, there's a cop here."
- He knew it too. He was like...
[retching and laughing]
Sorry... [retching and laughing]
- So he's like, "There's no drugs here?"
And I was like, "Nope," and he was like, "Well, what's that?"
And he shines his light on our picnic table,
and one of Ari's grinders-- I don't know if you've seen it--
it has, like, Ari's psychedelic Jew face on it.
- Yeah, it's like grinders for merch,
and it's got my face with, like, a third eye on it...
- A yarmulke made of mushrooms, like,
pretty much screams we're taking drugs with this thing.
He said, "What's that?
And I was like, "It's a grinder."
He was like, "What's it for?
I'm thinking the lesser here.
I mean, I know that that's what we use to grind the 'shrooms in,
but usually, we use it for weed, so if I just say "weed,"
maybe that would be, you know--
- It's California. That's allowed. It's allowed.
- It's California, so I just let him have it.
I was like, "It's for marijuana."
And he's like, "Do you have your license?"
I was like, "Yep," and he's like, "All right."
- He threatened to take them to jail if they didn't have
their fucking pot license.
- Yeah. - What a dick.
- Which is so-- anybody could get their license.
- Yeah, it's so easy.
Everybody's got their pot card here, right?
[audience members cheer] both: Yeah.
- You go to a doctor, anything.
They don't give a fuck.
You can be like, "I had a cough once."
[laughter]
- I told a doctor that I have anxiety,
and he's like, "Well, here's some more anxiety.
"Use this anxiety to drown out the other anxiety, and..."
- It's the best system. - It's simple.
- It's the best.
I remember the first time I bought legal weed
from that place Zen on Santa Monica and La Cienega,
and I bought it, and I had a bag of weed in my hand.
I was out there meeting my friend,
and then I went to the dispensary and had it,
and I was like, "Wow, I just bought legal weed."
But then right then, a cop pulled up with a light,
and I was like, "Oh, shit," but then I was like, "No wait.
"This is legal; what I'm doing is legal in California.
I've done nothing wrong."
And then I started walking towards him,
and I looked in my other hand,
and that was just a bag of mushrooms,
and I was like, "Oh, fuck. What am I doing here?"
- "There's no medical mushrooms, son."
- No, there's no medical mushrooms.
- So he was like, "Well, open the grinder."
And I just know... - Fuck.
- I'm looking at everybody.
This is where we get busted, guys; here we go.
So I do everything I can to stall reaching for the grinder
hoping that maybe he'll get a call, like,
"There's shots fired. You got to go."
And then you'd be like, "Oh!" Like, "Oh, sorry, Officer.
I couldn't get the grinder open for you."
- By the way, at this point, as tense as it was for him,
me and the other two guys that had walked away,
we were having a wonderful time.
- Yeah.
- It could not have been more fun.
We saw a deer. We saw a skunk.
That was a lot of fun.
Walked around in the woods, really enjoyed ourselves.
We even actually saw those cops.
As they came through the woods the first time,
they were like, Mirvis' dog, he was like, "Is it on a leash?
He goes, "Of course it is, Officer."
And we're like, "What are you guys doing here?"
They're like, "Oh, some people making noise."
We're like, "Well, you better shut them up,
"because it's all about tranquility out here,
so fuck those assholes."
- "Make sure to check their grinders, Officer."
- We didn't know they were going to you.
- I got a feeling.
- We didn't know they were going to you guys.
- All right.
So I do everything I can to stall it.
I would, like, make small talk with the cop, like,
"So how long you been a cop?
You know, I've always wanted to be a cop."
When I-- when I was in high school,
and I'd get in trouble by the cops,
and they'd sit me on the curb, I would always--
my go-to move was talk about how I wanted to be cop
when I grew up, and it would make them be like,
"Yeah, you're just a dumb kid.
Get out of here."
It's worked a million times,
and I thought it would work at 26.
He's just like, "Just open the fucking grinder."
So I open it as slowly as possible,
and he shines his light right in it,
and there's nothing there, completely empty.
Dan had grinded them up so well...
[laughter and applause]
That it turned into powder,
and he just tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
- No, no, that's actually not what happened.
I talked to Dan later.
That's not it at all.
He's such a fucking junkie for mushrooms
that he poured orange juice into the grinder
and then fucking sucked out,
so he'd get every last drop of the powder for himself,
so he could trip a lot harder.
- Took a shot of 'shrooms. - Yeah.
- So finally, the cop's like, "All right, everybody go to bed.
Too loud. Time to go to bed."
And we're like, "You got it." I mean, we're off the hook.
"Yeah, we'll go to bed. Fine, Officer."
So we start walking in, he walks by the tent,
and he shines his light on, and he's like, "Wait.
Hold on a second."
I'm like, "Oh, no. What now?"
And he leans over to his partner, and he goes,
"Nice tent."
"Right?"
- We nailed it, you guys. Mat Edgar, everybody.
Keep it going for Matty Edgar.
Good job, buddy.
[dark electronic music]
♪