German directness still too much for me? Looks that way.
Hey everyone, Dana here!
I’ve mentioned it before: Germans, in general, can often be a little bit more direct and
straightforward than Americans, and to be honest even after living here for eight years,
that directness is still sometimes a little shocking for me, a little bit too much, or
even sometimes has made me cry.
Directness. Okay, so what am I talking about here?
For example, I was at a get-together and I met a German person who had watched some of
my videos.
Their reaction after chatting with me for a few minutes: It was very nice meeting you.
I like you a lot better in person than in your videos.
Thanks...I guess?
I don't know, what am I supposed to say back to that?
Another in-person comment that I have gotten from a complete stranger here in Germany that
I just met through someone else.
“Oh, hi, yes, nice to meet you.
I’ve seen some of your videos, they’re too jumpy.”
Again, it’s like, nice to meet you too.
What am I supposed to say to that?
Like, nice to meet you; I have a critique for you about your videos. Oh. Hi.
Or: being told by the instructor of a group fitness course at the end of the class that
I had done the thing very, very badly.
Very bad at doing it. Okay. It's good to know I'm so horrible.
This one, by the way, is actually one of the experiences of total directness that has made me cry.
I knew that I hadn’t done the thing very well.
That’s why I had every intention of going back in order to try and improve.
But I had really tried my very, very, very hardest in that class, it
was first time doing said group kind of fitness course, and even though I hadn’t
done it very well to hear the instructor just so directly, so matter of fact tell me straight
up that I had done it so badly just really struck a nerve, even though it was true.
Too direct with the truth.
Last example for this video: direct, straight-forward, frank in person comments in a negative sense
about my looks; and this could be about my hair, my clothes, my makeup, or just my overall
appearance in general, from people in person, also when I did not ask that person to weigh
in on the subject, and also sometimes from people that I barely even know.
When I do ask people for their opinion, say on what I should wear, I’ve noticed that
in the U.S., it’s been my experience that people often, not always, but often
try to find some way to soften the blow, you know like: well I don’t think the color
is quite right or well, I liked the other one better.
Whereas in Germany I often get the straightforward, honest-to-goodness, no holds barred answer.
No, that dress does not look good on you. Or something like that.
Now, of course it matters who is giving the critique and in what situation.
So for this one, is it my mom, and I've been trying on 100s of dresses with her all day,
and now she's like, no, that dress does not look good on you.
Try on the next one.
Or am I shopping alone and I try on a dress and the sales assistant says to me, "No, that
dress does not look good on you."
From the sales assistant, yeah, I'd consider that a little harsh.
And I would prefer something a little softer in that situation.
So am I too sensitive? Maybe. I don’t know. The truth is important, don’t get me wrong.
But I guess for me, I don’t always think that it’s necessary to just open up your
mouth and say everything you’re thinking as far as your truly honest and raw opinion
about someone goes, especially if the person you’d be saying that to is a stranger or
someone you just met.
If I meet someone at a party, nine times out of ten, there's no need for them to be critiquing me.
Of course, yes, there's the now and then exception.
What if I meet an experienced author, then I might really appreciate some advice or what
if I meet another person who makes videos, especially if they've been making videos for
longer than me?
But even then, I would probably still appreciate them waiting for me to ask them what they
think about my videos or my writing before they just start freely critiquing me.
I would prefer they wait for me to ask for it.
And then, however it comes about, once someone is in a situation where they will be giving
me a critique, I do appreciate them trying to find a way to soften the blow at least
a little bit, rather than just mercilessly picking apart whatever they're critiquing
about me.
There's room for improvement versus let me tell you everything you are sucking at.
Two different things. In my mind at least.
But what has changed over time is that now when people do just open up their mouths and
plop out these direct or straightforward comments to me, I am now usually able to recognize
that most of the time I would say the person is not trying to be mean.
They’re not saying that my videos are this or that to be mean, or saying something about
my looks to be mean -- at least I think they’re not -- I think they honestly think this will
help me recognize the need to do better or change something.
They’re telling me my skirt is ugly because they don’t want me to embarrass myself going
out in public wearing it anymore...I guess?
I think they truly think that by telling me these direct and straightforward totally honest
things they're doing me a favor. I think.
When I first moved to Germany I came home so many evenings all upset asking Stefan why
are the people being so mean to me?
They’re not being mean, they’re just being direct.
But even with this updated understanding, I still usually don’t like the direct comments.
They still annoy me, but now my response is usually just to mentally roll my eyes and
laugh about it with Stefan later, although I will say that sometimes depending on the
strength of the directness and the particular situation that I'm in, they still sometimes
could strike an emotional nerve in me and make me feel bad and sometimes even make me cry.
Yeah. The truth is important, but I still clearly have not quite gotten used to the raw and
direct way that truth tends to be delivered here in Germany.
So my question for you is: What do you think about people being totally straightforward
and direct?
Have you ever been in a situation where someone was just being really direct, not being mean,
but still it made you want to cry? What did you do?
Please let me know in the comments below.
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Once someone is in the... Once someone is in a situation where they'll be...
I was at a get-together...