- A new job is a fresh start.
I can be a completely new person with a brand new identity.
Well, crap, actually they already have my name,
address and Social Security number.
(man groans)
So I guess that'll have to wait until the next new job.
Which will be in three weeks probably.
All right, time to start merging these Excel spreadsheets,
because I totally know how to do that.
And didn't just lie on my resume.
I'm sorry for being late on my first day, traffic was crazy.
Oh, this?
Yeah, I got the coffee before I hit traffic.
Totally.
Hey, I know I'm new here and my job is basically
just to get you guys coffee, but I have a couple of ideas
on how you can improve the corporate culture here.
I use the acronym SMILE, Self awareness, Motivation,
Illumination. (dramatic chime)
Okay, okay, three soy lattes right now
or you'll kick my butt, I'm on it.
Is it my first day? Oh, no, no, no, totally not.
I've been working here for three months.
(man laughs)
Listen, just be cool man, you almost blew my cover.
If people know I'm new, I'll have to introduce myself
to everyone and I don't wanna do that.
So just let me do what I do best. Fly under the radar.
I know it's just my first day, but did you see those guys
who are trying to fix the copy machine?
It was a simple paper jam, but you would have thought
they were diffusing an atomic bomb, it took them 45 minutes.
They must be from the IT department.
The Idiot Time wasters department.
That lady at the front desk told me it looked like I had,
"A case of the Mondays."
More like a case of the crushing corporate rat-race, lady.
Plus I do also hate Mondays.
A cubicle? Oh, I'm sorry, this isn't gonna work for me.
In order to do my best thinking,
I'm gonna need a corner office of some sort.
You know, lots of windows, a liquor cabinet,
a private bathroom.
Hey, do you want me at peak performance or not?
Well, I finished my work for the day before noon.
But they don't need to know that.
So, what's the happy hour sitch around here?
Any good water cooler gossip? I'm a little bored already.
What is my job again?
When did I take my lunch break? Oh, I didn't take one.
I just didn't wanna inconvenience anyone, you know?
I also haven't peed in six hours.
This is the best day ever!
I get to make money, meet all these amazing new people,
and there are even donuts in the break room.
Wow, capitalism and highly processed foods,
high in added sugar.
I am living the American dream.
Man, I am already zoning out
and dreaming of a more fulfilling life.
And I just clocked in three minutes ago.
Today I might be at the bottom of the totem pole,
but tomorrow I'll be everyone's boss.
Okay, maybe not literally tomorrow.
I'd say give or take six months.
Well, one day down, only 30 or so years left to go.
And that's if I get to retire.
Which is looking more and more unlikely for my generation
every year.
Wow, I made it through the first day,
and no one told me that I'm a massive fraud
who doesn't deserve to be here.
Take that imposter syndrome!
Well, until tomorrow at least.
(upbeat jazz music)
Oh, wow!
I've made a lot of 16 Personalities comedy sketches
on this channel.
You don't believe me? Well, why don't you watch some more?
Watch this one here, you'll love it.
Binge the whole playlist right here.
It'll take you several hours,
I appreciate your time commitment.
If you've got an idea for a 16 Personalities sketch,
let me know in the comments.
See you next week. Until then, stay cool and attractive.