parents shouldn't fight in front of
their children good luck sitting close
to the TV will damage kids vision
sitting close to the TV does not damage
your vision strict parents raise
well-behaved kids strict parents raise
possibly kids who look like they're well
behaved to the parents but actually act
out more than any other child hi I'm dr.
ELISA Pressman I'm a developmental
psychologist and co-founder of the Mount
Sinai parenting center and I'm dr. Blair
Hammond the other co-founder of the
Mount Sinai parenting center and a
general pediatrician at Mount Sinai
Hospital you may have heard us before
when we talked about common issues with
babies today we are going to be talking
about older children let's get started
the terrible twos are indeed terrible
that is a myth though you may feel like
they're terrible and so it's also
personal it's not that it's terrible
twos it's having the developmentally
appropriate expectations of what a
two-year-old is capable of recognizing
their need and labeling and naming those
feelings for them because they're
struggling to understand what's
happening and what's making them so
upset while also being there to set
appropriate boundaries and limits so if
you can really even look at this age as
a time of children learning to control
their emotions but it's still not well
developed it gives you a whole new lens
to stay calm and what can be stressful
times when they're really upset a slap
on the bottom never hurt anyone miss you
might think well I was spanked here and
there as a child and I turned out fine
you probably aren't doing forever damage
to your child with the occasional
spanking it's that when you spank you
are more likely to up the ante and spank
more and harder as your discipline
strategy isn't working what you want is
to be the person that they come to and
if they're afraid of you if they do
something wrong which they will they
will lie to you about it parents might
think by hitting they're getting a kid
who's behaving better what they're doing
is getting a child who gets really good
at hiding their
bad behavior but take that moment and be
like what I'm trying to teach you is to
not swing a bat in a house to a lamp
like how do I do that and how do I set
that and that actually is a great
possible learning experience for your
child to see you get upset calm yourself
down and then really address it in a
more long-term productive way for the
time strict parents raise well-behaved
kids mm-hmm
common myth when you think I'm gonna be
just an authoritarian parent who just
says because I said so what you get is
either a very rigid child who is
terrified of you so they don't want to
break any rules or a child who is set
off to be incredibly rebellious and have
oppositional issues because they cannot
feel seen and heard it's absolutely fine
to have limits that actually makes your
child feel safe but if you can do it in
a sensitive way where you know it's more
about discussions and back-and-forth
interactions that show that you're
responding to your child and that you
value their input that's how you get a
person who wants to open up to tell you
about their mistakes because we all make
mistakes and you want to be there to
help them through that saying yes equals
failing this is a common myth my mom
used to have this phrase which you'd say
yes means I'm lazy no means I care the
saying yes equals failing likely comes
from the idea that you just don't have
boundaries for your children but saying
yes you want to go to that party and I'm
not letting you and I know that's really
hard that helps your child's brain go
into an open state if you say no you're
not going anywhere and you're not
allowed to do that your child goes into
a defensive state and it's gonna end up
potentially arguing with you not hearing
you going into what's called fight
flight or freeze giving your child the
ability to know that you understand them
is a good thing but not having
boundaries and saying yes to any
question they have and saying yes they
can do any behavior because you would
rather them just feel happy all the time
that is a failure after the first three
years your child's brain is set for life
so this is a myth which comes from the
idea of the power of those first few
years in fact building 1 million or more
neural connections per second in those
first few years it's remarkable it's not
a myth that your baby's brain grows
drastically and the most in those first
few years but it is a myth that your
baby's brain is set in those first three
years kids go hyper on sugar these this
one I hear all the time and my child got
a cold from the cold children do not get
calls from the cold they get colds from
people with the cold there are now
studies that show that in fact it is
parents perception that the sugar is
going to make them hyper and if the
parents think they're gonna be hyper on
tour the child will actually almost be
like a self-fulfilling self-fulfilling
prophecy certainly if your child is
hungry and has not eaten for a while
they might some children not behave as
well so you want to make sure your child
has good nutrition throughout the day
and certainly sugar from a health
perspective you don't want your child
having lots of sugar because it's not
good for their body but it has not
actually been linked to hyperactivity
it's better to shield children from loss
this is a difficult question because of
course if you could prevent loss for
children and not have them have
difficult horrible traumatic experiences
that would be wonderful
but if you pretend those experiences
haven't happened or shield children from
information about loss that they
inevitably are going to find out about
what you're doing is preventing them
from building the resilience that
they're going to need to build by
experiencing loss and then support and
love to help them get through it and so
it's very important to just be
straightforward again in a sensitive and
loving way and explain the loss to your
child so that they don't also have
fantasies that something will change
because a child who hears that their dog
ran away instead of their dog died their
bodies
working and they're not coming back
could spend days weeks if not years
fixating on waiting for that moment to
come sitting with them through difficult
experiences so that they know they can
get through them is a much more powerful
lesson for their future than any way all
kids are picky this is a myth not all
kids are picky many children well
especially when they're trying new foods
spit it out not like it you have to
reintroduce the food multiple times they
say 10 to 15 times sometimes for a food
that your child may have initially
seemed to not like so if you can make it
seem less of a battle it's less of a
battle for your child to try to win the
other thing is that parents can
influence pickiness by accommodating
pickiness so over the years if every
time your child doesn't want something
you panic that they're gonna starve or
they're not going to be able to go to
school because they're not in you know
unless you give them the sugared cereal
instead of the healthy breakfast and you
accommodate their pickiness you're going
to end up kind of creating again a
self-fulfilling prophecy of a picky kid
children should come first
that's a tricky one because you've made
the decision to raise a child and be
their person that's going to take into
account their health and well-being that
said if you sacrifice yourself and your
mental health for your child you're
actually taking away from your child's
development think about on an airplane
when they say put your oxygen mask on
first you cannot take care of another
person without taking care of yourself
and also you are showing your child
through modeling that you can have self
compassion and self care and still love
other people and in fact thrive loving
other people because you've taken that
time nighttime and daytime toilet
training should happen at the same time
that is enough that is a myth there are
some children who you toilet trained
them and basically they're done and
they're done overnight too but for most
children actually daytime toilet
training occurs before nighttime tour
training but there are many children who
will still wear pull-ups and have
nighttime accidents up to age five
through age five in fact and that is
completely normal parents shouldn't
fight in front of their children good
luck if you start a fight then at least
show your children how you resolve a
fight so that they don't have to sit
with the discomfort of wondering what's
going on behind closed doors and of
course if you can regulate yourself in
such a way that you can have a wonderful
and open dialogue as a disagreement
that's even better but to try to never
fight in front of your kids but have
that tension where you're like let's
take this in the other room where you're
giving each other eyes is something that
your children will pick up on sitting
close to the TV will damage kids vision
this is a common myth sitting close to
the TV does not damage your vision
however something that everyone should
be aware of looking and fixing your eyes
on one spot for a long period of time
especially if it's close to you can
affect the eyes want them to look off in
the distance to help with what we call
an eye strain now if you notice that
your child sitting close to the TV
because you think they can't see that
will be something you would want to
discuss with your pediatrician praising
kids makes them smarter this is a fun
one because getting praised for the
process but not the outcome getting an A
on your paper is always going to promote
a more growth mindset a fixed mindset
can come from being praised for the
outcome so if you get a's all the time
in english you're going to kind of avoid
the other subjects that might be more
challenging because you've been praised
for the a's and not how you're taking on
a challenge of doing a new subject
that's a little bit harder for you and
on the flip side if you feel like you
could really use a little bit more
support for them go ahead and praise
them just make sure that it's support
that you believe in them and that with
effort and strategies they're growing
smarter as opposed to telling them
they're you know the most brilliant
person in the world
children need protection 24/7 because
the world is a dangerous place children
can't have protection 24/7 and the world
is a dangerous place those are two
separate things even though we are aware
that there are some really scary things
going on in the world and even though
your children might be giving them a
sense that they're generally gonna be
pretty safe if they follow basic
guidelines around being street smart and
taking care of their bodies and
developmentally appropriate freedom is
much better for them because kids who
don't know how to cross the street by
looking both ways because their parents
are taking them across the street
actually are in more danger they don't
know how to protect themselves what they
need to do is at an age-appropriate time
slowly but surely learn to live more
independent lives making the good
choices that you've taught them to make
you'll end up parenting like your
parents both myth and true depending on
your consciousness about it if you had
parents who were authoritarian and used
fear-based parenting if you didn't take
note of that and think about how you
want to parent your child you may revert
to what feels like home to you however
if you come to terms with and think
through the pain or difficulty of what
you experienced in your childhood that
you wouldn't want and think about the
positive parts of your childhood that
you want to repeat as you raise your
children then you'll be able to
consciously parent your children however
you would like so that you can then
thrive as a parent parenting comes
naturally this is a myth it's very easy
to see how people would think this is a
truth because having children seems a
natural process what can happen is you
can feel like I should know all of this
I'm the parent what you know best is
your child you're born at the same time
as your baby as a parent right you were
not a parent until they were born so
you're growing and developing together
throughout your child's lives and so as
you're growing and developing as a
parent
you can find those strengths and enhance
them you're gonna hear a lot of myths as
a parent it's one of everybody's
favorite things to do is tell a parent
how to be a better parent you're doing
great just by virtue of the fact that
you sought out watching information
about parenting and your child's
development and when you do feel like
you're struggling don't hesitate to
reach out for support and resources that
you can trust