Early voting.
It's for maverick voters who've already decided
who they want as president, which is insane.
There's still two weeks, people.
What if Trump becomes presidential?
I still think he has a shot.
Now, as you know, Election Day
is just two weeks from today.
But with early voting in most of the country,
Election Day is really just the last possible day to vote.
You know, Election Day is basically Halloween
and then early voting is CVS.
You can just go in there and get the candy at any time
without having to trick-or-treat anybody.
The point is early voting is already underway
and so far it's more popular
than QAnon at your aunt's house.
NEWSWOMAN: We are just two weeks away from
the election, and nearly 30 million Americans
have already voted-- more than five times the number
at this point four years ago.
Long lines and long waits seen
in the key battleground state of Florida.
Some of those lines started at dawn.
NEWSWOMAN 2: 94-year-old Mildred Madison,
born when Coolidge was president,
had her son drive her more than 600 miles from Illinois
back home to Michigan so that she could vote
after she never got her absentee ballot.
Women got the last-- especially Black women--
uh, were the last ones
that got the power to vote.
It's wonderful to see a Black woman
running for vice president.
Wow!
94 years old,
and she drove 600 miles to vote.
That is so impressive.
I mean, imagine driving 600 miles.
I bet the poll workers were so moved by that story
before they turned her away for not having the right ID.
For real, though, there should be a special prize
for anyone who travels that far to vote.
Like, forget the sticker. That's some bullshit. I want
platinum "I voted" rims.
And I'll be honest-- I get why Ms. Madison
is taking this so seriously.
Black absolutely women cannot mess around with their votes.
Statistically, they bear the brunt of any policy failure--
whether it's housing, health care, education, anything--
so they make sure to vote.
I'll tell you now, if this entire country
was only 94-year-old Black women,
voter turnout would be 100%.
I mean, on the other hand, nobody would know
who Timothée Chalamet is, so it's a mixed blessing.
But yes, early voting records are being crushed
all around the country, and honestly, I get it.
This is 2020-- you've got to vote now
because there's no guarantee that we'll even have a November.
And as it stands now, Biden goes into the final weeks
with a large lead, but 2016 taught us
that large leads don't mean shit.
Plus, there's still a debate this Thursday,
and who knows what could happen.
I mean, Trump could announce that he's pregnant,
and you wouldn't fire an expecting parent, would you?
You wouldn't put me out like that, America, would you?
Me and my baby?
Although what's not gonna help Trump at the debates is that
the debate commission has announced that they're gonna be
muting the microphone of the person
who shouldn't be speaking
to give the other person the chance to talk.
Which I think is actually a good idea. I mean,
as long as Jeffrey Toobin isn't in charge of the mute button.
I'm so sorry, guys. I left it on the whole time
and my dick is also out again. I'm so sorry.
But, guys, Trump doesn't care if you mute his microphone.
He's just gonna shout. Or even worse,
he'll just walk over to Biden
and use his mic.
He'll probably lick it, too, just to mark his territory.
That's mine.
But clearly, Trump needs to enjoy
his open mic time while he can.
And that's why he's holding large rallies every day
to help spread his message
and/or coronavirus,
which, by the way, is soaring across the country.
Corona hospitalizations are now rising in 39 states.
But even though America isn't over the coronavirus,
Trump has decided that America is
totally over the coronavirus.
NEWSWOMAN: As the country faces a third coronavirus wave,
President Trump on the campaign trail saying voters
are tired of hearing about the pandemic.
People are pandemicked-out. You know that?
They're pandemicked-out.
They're getting tired of the pandemic, aren't they?
Getting tired of the pandemic.
You turn on CNN, that's all they cover.
COVID, COVID, pandemic, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, uh, uh...
You know why? They're trying to talk to everybody out to voting.
People aren't buying it, CNN, you dumb bastards.
-They're not buying it. -(cheering, applause)
Yeah, CNN! You dumb bastards.
Why are you spending all day reporting on the story
that's dominating everyone's lives?
Why don't you focus on some more important stories,
like what child stars look like now?
Did you know that the little boy from E.T. looks like himself,
but much older?
Why isn't that on the news, you dumb bastards?
Now, to be fair, Trump is not wrong
about people being tired of dealing with this pandemic.
But what he doesn't seem to realize is that,
unlike the rest of us,
he can actually do something about this.
Instead, he's acting like he's as helpless as everyone else is.
Guys, am I the only one here
who's totally sick of coronavirus?
Why doesn't someone come up with a plan?
Now, persuading people that coronavirus is over
isn't the world's easiest sell.
We can see the world around us.
But Trump thinks that he's figured out the problem.
It's not that a quarter million Americans have died,
it's that too many people
are listening to that bastard, Anthony Fauci.
NEWSWOMAN: With polls showing a majority of Americans
unhappy with his handling of the virus,
President Trump now laser-focused on a new target:
the nation's leading infectious disease expert.
I don't want to hurt him. He's been there for...
about 350 years.
NEWSMAN: The president began his day of attacks on Fauci
on a call with campaign staffers.
NEWSMAN: The president, later, on the trail in Arizona,
tying Fauci to Biden.
And, you know, Biden wants to lock it down.
-He wants to listen to Dr. Fauci. -(crowd booing)
He wants to listen to Dr. Fauci.
And he is a wonderful guy, I like him.
He just happens to have a very bad arm.
(scattered laughter)
-(applause) -(indistinct chatter)
He has a bad arm.
Yeah, you know what, guys, I...
I can't argue with Trump's logic on this one.
You just can't trust a scientist
who can't throw a fastball.
I mean, like, why didn't he practice?
What else is he doing with his day?
And honestly, it's kind of weird for Trump, of all people,
to make fun of someone's bad arm.
Lift a glass of water using one hand and then we'll talk.
Seriously, the scientists you want
are the ones who are too busy in the lab
to ever learn any sports.
That's why if I was hiring a scientist, my the first test
would be to throw a ball at them.
If they catch it, they're fired.
So, unlike the country he's supposed to be running,
Trump is having a blast right now.
He's got his job, he's got his health,
and gets to throw parties with his friends.
Hell, he's even been breaking out some dance moves,
or whatever this was supposed to be.
♪ Are you listening to me? ♪
♪ I said young man ♪
♪ What do you want to be? I said... ♪
Whatever tiny percentage of the Black vote Trump had
he has now officially lost.
I mean, this is all of the classic bad dance moves
back-to-back.
Fake drive the truck,
into the Whac-a-mole,
two claps off beat,
then bring it home with three Jeffrey Toobins.
But you know what?
Maybe all the big rallies and weird dancing
are just hiding a deep insecurity.
Because even Trump must realize, on some level,
that his closing message of
"corona is boring and Dr. Fauci sucks"
may not get him over the finish line.
Which would explain why he seems to be
making contingency plans just in case.
NEWSMAN: Mr. Trump tonight suggesting at a rally
he might leave the country
if he loses the election November 3. The president,
while in Georgia, saying he wouldn't feel good if he loses
and perhaps would leave the United States.
Can you imagine if I lose? My whole life,
what am I gonna do? I'm gonna say,
"I lost to the worst candidate
in the history of politics."
I'm not gonna feel so good.
Maybe I'll have to leave the country. I don't know.
Ah, classic snowflake--
threatening to leave the country if things don't go his way.
But on the real, though-- where would Trump go?
He can't go to Europe,
'cause he owes their banks a shit-ton of money.
He can't go to Africa because he called it a shithole.
He can't even go to Mexico, because some asshole
built a giant wall.
There isn't actually a wall, I just wanted to tell that joke.
And, look, I know Trump meant this as a threat,
but, my goodness, people,
can you imagine an America that's 100% Trump-free?
Just the thought of that
is enough to make me want to dance.