if you've got an addicted loved one your only chance is surviving this thing with
any sanity left is to be able to set healthy boundaries because not only does
it save your own mental health physical health financial health but it also
increases the chances that your loved one will make steps toward recovery and
in this video we're going to focus in on one crucial boundary issue and that is
understanding the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum and I know
they can seem really similar but there are some distinct differences and how
you think about the issue and also how you verbalize that boundary to your
loved one because these small differences in the way that you set
boundaries can make all the difference for those of you who are new here I'm
amber Hollingsworth master addiction counselor and this is put the shovel
down after growing up in an addicted family and then working in the field of
addiction for years and years it became so apparent to me that there was almost
no resources whatsoever out there for families people worried about a loved
one with a drug or alcohol problem which is why I decided to start this YouTube
channel it's all about empowering you with the information skills and supports
that you need to get your life back on track to recover your family and get
back to living the life that you want to live so if that sounds like something
that you need to accomplish consider subscribing and make sure you hit that
little bell button because most weeks I'll release a bonus video which you
won't know about unless you select the notifications menu okay back to our
issue so everyone knows that an ultimatum is when you say something to a loved one
like if you don't stop drinking I'm going to divorce you that is a clear
ultimatum but where is the difference in that and setting a boundary for yourself
a healthy boundary you know back when I used to work at the hospital the family
group that we ran we called these sanity boundaries and it's a really important
way to remember the distinction between healthy boundary
and control of your loved one or of that situation anytime you get over here in
the control room you're going to number one fail at it it will not work and
number two you're gonna drive yourself crazy in the process and number three
you're gonna drive your loved one crazy in the process so it's pretty
ineffective let's definitely steer away from that so a sanity boundary is a
focus on setting boundaries in your life that you need in order to keep your
sanity and so let me give you some examples because I think it's the best
way to really describe the difference for you you know a really good way to
think about this is to think about it like a fence your boundary being like a
fence now it is perfectly okay to build a fence around your own backyard
but it's pretty much not as acceptable to build a fence around your neighbor's
backyard people don't really like that so much and that's a great metaphor for
helping you understand that you can't set boundaries around someone else's
territory or as we call it in recovery around someone else's side of the street
you can only deal with your side of the street so one easy way for you to know
whether you're giving someone an ultimatum or setting a sanity boundary
for yourself is the way the sentence starts in your head and in your thinking
and especially in the way that you verbalize it to the other person let's
look at some examples together anytime a sentence starts out with if you blank
then blank is going to happen that is definitely in the ultimatum category
which is way more about controlling the other person's behavior that is trying
to build a fence around their backyard and not your backyard a more useful way
to go about setting healthy boundaries might be more along the lines of if I
feel blank then I will blink or if I think blank then I will blink you see
how that's drawing the fence around your backyard it's all about you
it's not about the other person let me give you some examples here and I think you're
gonna understand exactly what I'm saying if you drink again I will leave and take
the kids with me now that is ultimatum because it goes
with the if you then I will so that's in the ultimatum category and when you word
your boundaries like that you almost set it up to encourage more lying and
sneaking and manipulation because you're gonna know they're drinking and if you
can't prove it the person is going to be like well you don't know you can't prove
it you've got no evidence that I'm drinking and so it's that setting that
real concrete boundary around the situation that only ends up backfiring
on you let's look at it maybe a different way to think about that
boundary if I feel that me or the kids are unsafe then I'm gonna do what I need
to do to protect us do you see the difference
if you drink I will leave versus if I feel unsafe or if I feel like the kids
are unsafe I'm gonna have to do what I need to do to protect us and so that
goes with a feeling now there's no argument about whether you feel or don't
feel unsafe there may be an argument about whether someone did or didn't
drink because maybe your loved one has one small lapse or relapse but they got
it under control fast nothing terrible happened and you may want
to choose to stick with them through that and see if you can come out the
other side in another situation you may have a loved one that relapses they get
violent it goes on for days at a time and you need to make a different
decision and that's where that issue of if I feel unsafe then I'm going to X Y
or Z it could be I'm going to leave it could be I'm gonna go to my mother's for
a little while it can be I'm gonna go talk to a lawyer it can be whatever you
want it to be but it needs to be about you it needs to be about something that
you feel think or do then you will feel think or do X Y Z all of it needs to
be about you to be a boundary you cannot draw boundaries on someone else so
here's another example if you're smoking weed I will not pay for your college
that's an ultimatum because it has the you or your word in there a
better way to say that might be something more like if I feel like
you're not making an effort at school and I think that paying for college is a
bad investment then I'm probably going to make another decision you see the
difference it's about what you think and what you feel which is always up to your
determination and not up for argument and the really great thing about that is
it keeps you out of this detective role and it helps you to learn
how to trust your own feelings and judgments which if you followed me for
long you know that I am a huge huge believer in here's another example if
you fail a drug test I'm taking your car ultimatum again that's around someone
else here's a better way to say it if I feel like you're putting yourself and
other people in danger then I'm definitely not gonna support you driving
and you may think well this is just semantics but it's really important for
your own sanity because it's staying in your territory and again it's going to
keep you out of this Detective whether somebody failed a drug test or not
because there's a million ways to pass a drug test you can pass a drug test and
have been drinking and obviously that's dangerous you can pass a drug test
because you got something to clean out your system or because you got some
clean urine that you hide for just in case you get a drug test there's so many
ways to do that but when you keep it - if I feel like you're putting yourself
and other people in danger or at risk that's up to you that's your judgment
call and you get to make those decisions and you don't have to prove it here's
the key families think that they need to put things in black and white and they
think that they need to prove it and that is so much of what gets you in that
sort of investigative zone in that zone of where you're constantly obsessing and
you're constantly looking through their stuff and trying to control what they do
which is only gonna keep the two of you you and your loved one at odds it's not
gonna help you and it is definitely not gonna help them here's another one if
you relapse you're gonna have to leave the house and here's a better way of
looking at that one if I feel like your addiction is going
in the wrong direction and it's wreaking havoc for me or the other people in the
house then I'm gonna have to back up and rethink whether or not we should all be
living in the same house see the difference you leaving yourself the
ability to make a judgment about what's wrong direction and what's not and what
you're going to do about it don't get into the territory of saying
things like you have to go to this many meetings or you have to get a sponsor
you have to call your sponsor X amount of times a week or whatever that is
definitely in their territory and in their side of the street to learn more
about boundaries which is absolutely essential watch this video next it's
about the difference in boundaries consequences and punishment