- Alright you guys, let's stop fucking around alright.
We're wasting too much time,
we're wasting, way too much time,
let's make some news
that people wanna believe, alright?
Okay? - Yeah.
- Could we do that for once?
What is that?
- Water.
- Big weekend, big weekend right?
Emmy's happening right?
- Yes - I caught up this morning.
- Who hosted?
- Stephen Colbert.
- I wouldn't click on that.
Who should have hosted?
- Susan Sarandon.
- I don't know who that is.
- Ted Danson?
- Let's write that Ted Danson hosted,
'cause I know him.
- Ted Danson hosted the Emmys, you got it.
- How did he do?
How did Ted do? - Killed it.
- Yep, he killed-
- He's very charming.
- Shh!
He killed it.
- Killed it.
- What won best TV show?
- Drama or Comedy or...
- Wait, why didn't The Wire win?
The Wire's a great show, The Wire should have won.
- I love The Wire.
- It hasn't been on the air for 10 years.
- But if you wanted it to win, it can win.
- That's right, The Wire won.
Award shows always racist.
Such a racist evening, it's always racist.
What was the racist about the Emmys?
- Well actually, Donald Glover won
Best Director of a Comedy, first
African American so, not really racist.
- I don't like that, what else could he have won?
- We can say Donald Glover won the award for best Black guy.
- Dan- I love Danny Glover.
Danny Glover, "I'm too old for this shit."
(forced laughter)
Who was the biggest star there?
(incomprehensible mumblings)
- Bernadette Peters, Bernadette Peters.
- Sandra Bullock.
(all agreeing)
This reminds me of the story about David Boreanaz.
David Boreanaz and I, we decided,
there's no way I told any of you this story, I didn't tell.
- I definitely heard it many times.
- I did not tell you this story.
David Boreanaz and I were walking.
- And so he said like, "is that my chicken?"
is that what he said?
- No, I'm telling the story like,
why do we get on a ride and stop in the middle of it?
So I never told the story about
David Boreanaz, so forget it.
- Do you want to take five and just...
- No, I don't wanna talk about it.
Alright, so what were the big movies this weekend?
- Oh, "IT" was number one.
- What was?
- "IT".
- Wait, what was it?
- "IT" was it.
- What is it?
What is?
- "IT".
- It is what?
- "IT" is It.
- What is it? - "IT" is It!
- It is?
- So you want me to write it up?
- What? - "IT".
(groaning)
I'm just gonna write it up.
- Oh my god, that reminds me of a story.
- Is it the one about David Boreanaz?
- No!
It's not!
So David Boreanaz and I...
- Stan, Stan, I don't think you should tell this story.
- No, I tell a story about David Boreanaz.
- Is this the coke story?
- Yeah - Where you black out?
- Yeah, we did coke.
- Is that a story?
- It's a true story, yeah, a child died.
- Because I did all those coke and stuff.
- Yeah, no...
- What, don't talk about that?
- Oh alright, 'cause of the-
that's the kid thing,
I hit the kid...
Okay, okay, alright.
- Just tell it.
- [All] Story time, story time.
- Okay, so David Boreanaz and I
were driving down the 1 10 or whatever,
one of those freeways and he's like,
"hey, I remember that scene from the Twilight Zone?"
and he goes, uh, he goes,
"pull over."
and then he goes, "do you wanna see something scary?"
I go, "yeah!"
and he takes his dick out.
- What!
Gross!
Ew!
- He goes, "hey, check out my dick!"
- This is bones.
- Yeah, his bones.
- Do an impression, do an impression of this dick.
- (stuttering)
well, it's hard to..
because it was kinda hard but not but like...
At first he was like, "I'm a dick,
and now I'm Mr. Boner."
it's like that, yeah, but you probably wouldn't know it.
- You don't want another meeting with HR, okay?
Remember last week's meeting with HR?
Human Resources?