Hello Brains! And Hearts!
There are accommodations available for ADHD at school and at work...
...but, what about in relationships?
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According to Dr. B at TakeThis relationship accomodations...
...are reasonable adjustments we make...
...which allow the other person to meet our needs.
I think this is something a lot of us do in relationships...
...kind of already and automatically to a certain extent.
Where we know that we have some sort of need...
...maybe we need a lot of touch.
And we know that the other person has something...
...that gets in the way of meeting that need.
Maybe they get overheated real easily.
So, we turn on the air-conditioning.
So they can meet our needs for cuddling.
And we don't even really think of it as an accommodation.
But there are times when we don't understand...
... why our partner isn't meeting our needs.
And that can happen a lot in neurodiverse relationships.
If one person is neurotypical and the other person has ADHD.
Or one person has ADHD and the other person has Autism.
It can be really frustrating...
...because the needs are there and they're not being met.
And it's really hard to understand why. And what to do about it.
And we might jump to some conclusions...
...like they're not listening, they don't care.
They're just not trying hard enough.
My needs don't matter to them.
There are a lot of stories that I have within my dating experience...
...where I was either dumped or chastised or things ended...
...
...in a way that was recognizable to the other person.
And once I was diagnosed with Autism everything started clicking and making sense.
So this term of relationship accommodations came out of my bad experiences dating...
...where I needed help essentially bridging the gap...
...so the other person could recognize what I was trying to do.
In terms of meeting their needs.
A lot of us try to explain our needs harder...
...or expect the person to try to meet them harder.
And we know at work and at school that that doesn't work.
It's usually not about lack of effort.
In the rare cases where it is about lack of effort...
...it's because somebody's gotten frustrated and given up.
But for the most part there is some sort of impairment that's happening...
...that's getting in the way.
And so I think relationship accommodations...
...are a great way to kind of bridge that gap.
So it's like okay, I understand why you're struggling with this...
...also I understand I have these needs...
...and these needs need to be met.
So what can we do? How can we figure out how to get these needs met?
Everyone's needs and expectations and challenges...
...things that are getting in the way of being able...
... to meet a person's needs in a relationship are different.
So take all this with a grain of salt.
Just hearing from my community, going from my personal experience...
...the research that I've read.
There are some things ADHDers tend to struggle with in relationships...
...that do need accommodating.
I'll talk about a few of those...
...and then I'll pass it over to Dr. B. to talk about some of the accommodations...
...that may be useful for Autism and alexithymia.
First of all, for ADHD.
We tend to struggle with things like planning and prioritizing.
And cleaning, and organizing.
Anything that doesn't engage our brains.
So mundane, everyday tasks are really challenging for us.
It's not that they are hard to do physically...
...although for some people they might have a condition that does make that the case...
...it's that it's mind-numbingly tedious for us.
And our brains do not want to focus on it.
It can be really hard for us to stay on top of everyday chores.
And we might need to gamify things.
We might need help prioritizing.
One accommodation that can be really helpful for somebody with ADHD is...
...if there are things that need to get done...
...and there are some things that are more important...
...making ti clear; hey this is what the priority is.
This is what I need help with.
Or this is the important thing that needs to be done.
If only three things can get done this week around the house...
...these are the three things I would love to have happen.
A lot ot the time, strategies that work for neurotypical people...
...don't work for ADHD.
We kind of have to tweak systems...
...and do them in a way that works for us.
So a reasonable accommodation might be...
...letting someone with ADHD do the thing you're asking them to do...
...in a way that works for them. Or when it works for them.
An accommodation can even be something like hiring a professional organizer.
Or a housekeeper to come every once in a while.
Putting aside money in the budget for treatment of the condition.
Having accountability. having check-ins.
Instead of hey get this done sometime in the next three months...
...and then the person with ADHD is like...
..."Cool. That's not now." And totally forgets about it.
Be like hey remember, we need to get that gift.
Sometime in the next three months.
That doesn't mean nag somebody, right?
Nobody wants to be nagged. Nobody wants to be parented.
And parenting your partner is really not healthy for a relationship.
Accommodating differences, accommodating needs...
...making sure those needs get met...
...should be a collaborative effort.
It's not about one person trying to...
...figure out how to fix the other person.
Or to get the other person to do the things they need done.
It's working together.
And so, instead of seeing the person you're with as, like, a problem...
...letting all this resentment build up...
...you can see it as: "Oh this person is trying to meet my needs..."
...and their ADHD is getting in the way."
"How can we accommodate that, together?"
So, one of the things to also bear in mind with this...
...is that the impairments that exist in terms of relationships...
...or even in broader sense with folks both on the spectrum and with ADHD...
...is that our impairments can often be invisible.
We've been socialized to try and speak neurotypical.
But we're not good at it.
A metaphor I like to use; we're Linux computers in a Windows world...
And you're essentially asking us to be Windows.
We can't do that.
We might learn tricks for interfacing with Windows...
...and communicating better.
And that's really what relationship accommodations are going to allow us to do.
And one of the greatest accommodation tips I have, for me...
...is for the other person to ask: "What did you mean by that?"
Or: "What were you doing when...blah?"
Because for me, I have a tendency to go off...
...and just sort of think on my own and work through things.
And from an outside perspective, it might look like I'm ignoring things.
And asking openly and honestly...
..."What were you doing when?" "What was your process?"
You know, open-ended questions like that.
To help learn what the other person is doing.
That's a huge accommodation for folks - for me at least.
A lot of relationship-difficulties for folks who are neurodiverse...
...come from misunderstandings of intent.
Misunderstandings of action.
Or feelings of inadequacy and anxiety.
Often because we come from an entire lifetime...
...of literally not being accepted for who we are.
Again, relationship accommodations need to be reasonable.
And allow the other person to meet our needs.
Sometimes, accommodations aren't enough.
There are some jobs...
...where no matter how many accommodations they provide...
...it's just not a good fit.
And there are other jobs...
...where they can't provide the accommodations that we need...
...in order to be successful at that job.
Oh! Speaking of accommodations!
Hey Chloe! Bring me my meds!
[pillbottle rattling] Good girl!
Good job Chloe!
This is a fantastic accommodation for me.
This is Chloe. I'm training her as my service dog.
And she brings me my meds.
Because it is not a reasonable accommodation...
...for me to ask a human to bring me my meds every night.
Especially if they are also forgetful.
Needs don't all have to be met by your partner.
You can absolutely have other ways of getting your needs met.
But there might be some needs that do need to get met in the relationship.
And for that...
Thank you to my Brain Advocates and all my Patreon Brains...
...for sponsoring all of our content...
...on this channel and the website that we made...
... and all kinds of really cool things that we've got going on.
Without you, we wouldn't be able to do half of what do.
Thanks for hanging out.
Let us know in the comments below...
...how you accommodate the neurodiversity in your relationship.
I would be really curious to see that.
Talk to you soon. Bye Brains!
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