Let's talk about a few steps to setting good, healthy, assertive boundaries.
We can divide our impact on other people into three different areas: our area of control, influence, and concern.
The majority of our interactions are relationships of influence, not control. So seeking control is going to backfire.
When we want to influence others to make a positive outcome more likely, here's some actions that we can take.
Real influence comes from relationships and creating a positive environment.
So over 95% of your effort should be on changing yourself and creating an environment of safety, love, and trust
where the other person wants to do what you're asking them to do. This means we seek solutions instead of focusing on problems.
We try to improve the situation. We try to understand what that other person is needing. In the situation with my client
who wasn't eating, I needed to understand that she was experiencing extreme anxiety. And by doing that,
we were able to resolve that need by creating an environment of safety and trust. We let the staff get to know her
and her get to know the staff. We sat with her, we were patient, we waited for her timeframe. And on the next day,
on day four, she started eating and talking with the staff. Work with the person to build a relationship of understanding -
so trying to understand why your child doesn't want to eat or what's going on in their life that's inviting them to act this way.
Number two. Explain to the person how their behaviors are affecting you. So this might look like a statement
that goes something like "When you forget to do the dishes, I feel hurt because it seems like you don't care about me."
Right? So you do these statements: "When you do this, I feel this way. Here's how your actions are impacting me.
When you show up late for curfew, I feel scared for your safety. And I don't feel a lot of trust that you care about me."
Right? So we're not trying to be passive aggressive, we're not trying to guilt trip, but we're trying to explain the natural consequences
that are, that stem from their actions. Make sure to do this gently, with love, and also listening to them for what they have to say.
Work hard to understand your contribution to the problem by listening to them. Number three is to use invitations
as much as possible. So if you have a good relationship with someone, you can ask them to do something they don't want to do.
Like, "Will you please do this for me? Because it really matters to me." Or "I'm asking you to take this step. Can you do that?"
And if they straight-up say no, then you have a couple options, right? You can look at how can you build that relationship?
Can you improve their trust in you? You can also choose to cut off the relationship. Good boundaries are as much about
what we allow in as what we keep out. Sometimes we just need to say, "I accept this person or situation, even if I don't like
what they are doing." We can't expect to use boundaries as a way to change everyone to our liking.
The Serenity Prayer can be helpful here: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Now, there are times when inviting doesn't work.
With our children, with our coworkers, and maybe even with our spouse, there are times when we need to set a boundary
that is quite a bit firmer than an invitation or a request. Saying things like, "No, I will not buy that candy for you"
or "No, you may not hit your sister" are really essential to, to raising a child with good discipline. And you'll notice that both of those
statements are things you can enforce with your own power. So you have the money, and you have the ability to put your hand
between the brother and sister so they don't hit each other or to pick one up and take them to their room if you need to.
So when necessary, use natural and logical consequences to assert your control. So this often looks like a statement that is
called an if-then statement. So "If you show up late for curfew, then I'm not letting you use the car the next time."
Or "If you speak to me that way, then I'm not taking you to the store to buy some candy later on." Successful boundaries
between adults look a little different. They look something like "If you treat me that way, then I'm probably not going to talk to you
as much." Or "If you treat our children this way, I'm calling the police." Check out my upcoming video on natural and logical
consequences for more explanation about how to apply these. When absolutely necessary, use force to keep people safe.
So this might look like, um, picking up your child who's hurting another child and carrying them to another room.
Or, um, in, if a law is being broken, you call the police. Uh, removing yourself physically from a situation can be quite powerful too.
With the previous story of my client in residential treatment, if the worst had happened, if she had continued to not eat,
or if not taking her medication was threatening her physical safety, then we would have needed to take her to the hospital,
where they might have needed to put in a feeding tube or an IV line for the medication. Trying to assert your influence through
physical force only works when someone is smaller or weaker than you. So it's often used with children, but it's not going to provide
a long-term solution to whatever the problem is. That's why it's important to always use as many other options as possible first.
Because of the loving and firm way that we handled the situation, it wasn't necessary to take her to the hospital.
When it comes to setting boundaries, always remember the long-term goal, which is creating a relationship where your child or your
employee or your spouse wants to do the right thing, wants to be healthy, wants to respect you. And with that in mind,
we're not looking for short-term, quick fixes that are going to negatively affect the relationship. We're looking to understand
and set firm, clear, healthy boundaries that are going to help them want to do the right thing. So 95% of your efforts should be
modeling, teaching, inviting, listening, um, showing them that you care and trying to understand what they need.
And when you're doing that, you're going to be helping things go right, and the need for boundaries is going to decrease.
But when that 5% of time happens, when you need to set a boundary, let's make sure you do it in a way that is within your
realm of control. I hope this was helpful. Thanks for watching, and take care.