-Evening, everybody. How we doing tonight?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, that was a real grab in the [bleep]
[ Laughter ]
And...
I'm sorry to use foul language like that,
but last I checked,
the Electoral College seems to be fine with it.
[ Laughter ]
You know, we've been talking about Donald Trump
on this show for 18 months,
and one of the things I've tried to make clear
over those 18 months
is how I've been wrong about him at every turn.
When he first came down the escalator at Trump Tower
and announced,
I boldly said on this show it was a stunt
and he would never really run.
I then said he would never win the GOP nomination.
And I certainly didn't think he would be our next president.
But the good news is,
based on this pattern of me being wrong
on every one of my Donald Trump predictions,
he's probably gonna be a great [bleep] president.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's just hope this trajectory holds.
Anyways, I think --
I was not alone in watching the election last night.
My wife and I went to watch the election returns
at a friend's house.
And before we left, we put our 8-month-old son to bed.
And I was holding him, and I said to him,
"When you wake up tomorrow morning,
we might have our first female president."
And then when we came home around midnight,
I, uh, went into his room, shook his crib until he woke up,
and screamed, "We have to get out of here!"
[ Laughter ]
And then my wife pointed out that wasn't productive,
and she was right.
I'm willing to admit that she was right.
So, I re-calibrated, and I told him that,
for the first time in our history,
our president would be a steak salesman.
[ Laughter ]
And that seemed to calm him down.
Then we got into bed,
my wife and I and our dog, Frisbee,
who is a seven-pound Italian greyhound.
She jumped into bed with us.
And usually she provides great comfort to us,
but last night, Frisbee was skittish,
because being Italian,
she doesn't know if she gets to stay.
[ Laughter ]
So...
We had to calm her down, too.
[ Cheers and applause ]
But I will say this morning, I realized how lucky we were,
because an 8-month-old was the perfect age child to have,
because while my wife and I were sitting at the kitchen table,
solemnly talking about what all of this meant,
he was just happily going to town on a pear.
We cut up a piece of pear.
We're discussing the future of the Supreme Court,
and he was just smiling and eating that pear.
And you could tell he was thinking,
"I don't know what you two are talking about,
but I'm with pear."
[ Laughter ]
But I -- With that said, I do really feel for the parents
who had to explain this to their kids this morning,
especially parents with daughters,
because a lot of them, like me,
probably thought Hillary would be our first woman president,
but she won't be.
But that does mean --
That does mean that someone's daughter is out there right now
who will one day have that title.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And...
Maybe -- Maybe you're a woman who's currently a senator.
Maybe you're still in college.
Hopefully you're not a toddler, but who knows.
With the way things went last night, who knows?
The fact is, we don't know who you are,
but I imagine this moment today will be a defining one for you,
one that will make you work harder and strive farther.
And whoever you are,
I hope I live to see your inauguration.
And I hope my mom does, too.
Uh, she was really excited yesterday.
And, um...
I was really sad for her.
My mom's name happens to be Hillary.
It hasn't always been that.
She just changes it to whatever...
[ Laughter ]
...to whatever Democrat's running for president.
It's really weird.
Had to call her Barack for eight years.
[ Laughter ]
But good news to our first woman president,
whoever you are, wherever you are.
You may have been rooting for Hillary,
but now you can still be the first woman president.
And first is so much better than second.
That is the difference
between George Washington and John Adams.
You either end up on money
or Paul Giamatti plays you in a movie.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
So, go. Go get it.
Whoever you are, wherever you are, go get it.
I felt a lot of emotions last night and into today --
some sadness, some anger, some fear.
But I'm also aware
that those are the same emotions a lot of Trump supporters felt,
emotions that led them to make their choice,
and it would be wrong for me to think my emotions
are somehow more authentic than their emotions.
We are always better as a society
when we have empathy for one another,
so I would just say --
I would like to say to those Trump voters,
congratulations.
I sincerely hope he addresses your concerns.
I sincerely hope that if you felt forgotten,
he won't forget you now.
As a white man, I also know that any emotions that I'm feeling
are likely a fraction of those being felt
by the LGBTQ community, African Americans,
Hispanic Americans, Muslim Americans,
and any number of the immigrant community
so vital to our country.
So, hopefully,
the Trump administration and Trump supporters
will be compassionate to them,
because they need your compassion.
And in general, I am hopeful for President Trump,
because hope is always the best possible path to take.
And one thing that makes me hopeful
is we know from interviews he's given over the years
that he has, at any given point,
held every position on every issue.
[ Laughter ]
He's been pro-choice, pro-life,
for the Iraq war, against the Iraq war.
Pretty much his only consistent position
has been anti-Rosie O'Donnell.
[ Laughter ]
So, I'm hopeful that he's not actually a racist
and that he just used racist rhetoric to court voters.
Because when you're courting someone,
you're always willing to pretend you're something you're not.
For example, when you first start dating someone,
you'll agree to go apple picking.
[ Laughter ]
You'll take cute pictures,
and maybe when you get home, you'll bake a pie together.
But once you're officially a couple,
you're not going apple picking anymore.
And when they ask you why,
you say, "Because I hate apple picking.
I was just pretending I liked it to trick you."
And let me make it clear.
I am in no way trying to say
that racism is as bad as apple picking.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
But again...
I can't stress how wrong I've been about the Trump campaign.
Just to give you a sense of how wrong,
this past June, when Trump was behind in the polls,
we made him an offer that if he dropped out,
NBC would give him a 13-episode show
where he could play a fictional president.
Now, because the show was on NBC,
it would have to be called "Chicago President."
[ Laughter ]
And we thought he'd jump at the opportunity,
because we thought he might not actually want to be president.
Well, after last night's results,
I just want to say to Donald Trump...
Our offer still stands.
[ Laughter ]
Come on.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You didn't think --
You didn't think you were gonna win this thing, either,
and I'm guessing that right now, you are spinning out.
You're probably looking at a map of the United States
and thinking, "Wait.
How long does this wall have to be?"
[ Laughter ]
And I can't imagine
the people you had to call this morning to say,
"Hey, I guess Trump TV is on hold for now.
Why? Because I have to be the president."
Not to mention the fact
that you're gonna have to give Rudy Giuliani a job
and then hang out with him.
And I don't have to tell you this -- He is bat[bleep] crazy.
[ Laughter ]
Look, just --
[ Cheers and applause ]
You'll come up with something.
Just tell people you have health issues and can't do the job.
Because, for the last year,
we've only seen you eating out of bowls and buckets.
We will believe that.
So, we are upping our offer to a 22-episode order,
and we're giving you the coveted 10:00 p.m. Monday slot,
which means you'll be on right after "The Voice."
And this offer stands until inauguration day.
Think about it.
Now...
[ Cheers and applause ]
If you are a Hillary supporter, last night was rough,
but there are a few good pieces of news.
Tammy Duckworth, an Asian-American war hero,
was elected to the Senate in Illinois.
In Minnesota, former refugee Ilhan Omar
became the first Somali-American lawmaker in history.
And in California --
Yeah.
And in California,
they legalized recreational weed,
and not a minute too soon.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Plus, legalizing recreational weed in California
immediately cured everyone in the state of their glaucoma.
[ Laughter ]
Uh, demacr-- Excuse me.
Democracy is a fantastic thing,
even when it doesn't go your way.
It gives everyone in America a voice,
and last night, those voices spoke.
So, I want to say to President-Elect Trump,
congratulations.
To Melania and the new First Family, congratulations.
And to Vladimir Putin and everyone in Russia
[speaking Russian]
[ Applause ]
In closing...
Donald Trump made a lot of promises
as to what he's gonna do in the next four years,
and now we get to see if he will,
if he can fulfill them,
and so I'd just like to make one promise to him.
We here at "Late Night" will be watching you.
We'll be right back.