[ Piano playing ]
-Hi, guys. This is Jimmy Fallon,
and this is "The Tonight Show: Home Edition,"
I guess you can call it.
We really don't know what this is.
But I wanted to put something out there for you guys
so that we can just have some levity
in these bizarre times.
What we're doing right now is I'm in a room in my house.
My camera operator is my wife.
-Hi. -Hi, honey.
Thank you for doing this.
And we have my dog Gary.
Gary. [ Snaps fingers ]
My dog Gary is my first guess.
Hi, Gary. Sit. Sit. Gary, sit.
Good girl.
-Daddy? -And then, yeah, hi, Franny.
And just gonna happen.
Franny, do you want to play the drums?
-No. -Okay. Perfect.
Well, it is -- We're gonna just say hi to everyone,
and I hope everyone's safe.
I want to wish everyone a happy St. Patrick's Day.
Today is St. Paddy's Day,
so happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone.
-Da-da? -Yeah.
-I wanna play "The Incredibles" game.
-I know. I know. -Uh-huh.
-Let me just do this, and then we'll play, okay?
-Uh-huh. -Thank you.
Can you draw me a drawing?
-No. -Thank you.
-No. -I heard you.
I asked my other daughter to -- -Gary, come on!
Wha!
-Uh, to draw me a shamrock, and this is...
-Want to play with me? -Please -- Thank you.
This is the shamrock she drew me.
It's a green poop emoji.
So we're gonna be doing some jokes for you,
maybe a song, or just something.
We'll switch it up every night, but we want to give you
some type of content every single night
for as long as we're gonna do this.
Every night, we're gonna do a different charity
and talk about what they're doing for people.
Tonight's charity is...
feedingamerica.org.
Feeding America has 200 food banks nationwide.
They do so much for everyone who needs food,
and especially at this time,
I always think of people who are out of work now
to everyone's staying in who can't get food.
There's also -- I think of a child out there
who just relies on one meal a day,
and they can't even get that.
These people work tirelessly to make sure when that happens,
these people get fed.
So please donate whatever you can to feedingamerica.org,
whether it be $1, $5, anything is fantastic.
All of the drawing tonight and the graphics
and artwork are from my -- It's from my 6-year-old.
So this is Winnie's.
Just so you know, that's my graphics department here.
All right. I'm gonna do some jokes for you guys right now.
And I want to thank all the writers
who are sending jokes in from home.
I appreciate it, and it was last minute, but thank you.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
I'm so excited to be doing the show from my panic room --
I mean, living room.
[ Nancy and Jimmy laugh ]
Guys, I'm gonna do some monologue jokes here, okay?
So, uh, I'm gonna read them to you here.
Of course, there's no audience --
Well, there is an audience, my wife,
but she doesn't really laugh at everything
that I say, so we'll see.
But if things are funny, but, hey, just take it with grain --
You know, come on. You know what we're trying to do here.
Here we go.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
I'm so excited to be doing the show from my panic room --
I mean, living room.
As you can see, I'm doing the show from my home
for two reasons -- First, to stop the spread
of the coronavirus.
Second, so I can write off my real-estate taxes.
That's right, I'm doing the show from my house in New York,
and this is how crazy New York traffic is.
I'm doing the show from my living room,
and I was still 20 minutes late getting in.
But I hope you guys are like me
and enjoying all this extra time with your family.
Isn't it great?
Today, we binge watched a couple TV shows,
then we checked out a couple movies,
and then finally, my kids said to me,
"Dad, can we watch something we like?"
So far, it's been pretty fun at the house.
We've been doing lots of coloring,
making pillow forts, doing arts and crafts,
while the kids have been watching TV in the basement.
But with classes canceled around the country,
lots of people are homeschooling their kids.
I'm homeschooling my kids, and it's working out pretty well.
In fact, my kids have already learned a valuable lesson --
Their dad is an idiot.
Seriously, after about 15 minutes, my kids said,
"We're transferring to mom's class."
-[ Chuckles ]
-You liked that one?
But it's been an interesting few days.
I never thought putting on pants
would feel like an accomplishment.
These are crazy times.
We're being told not to visit senior citizens
and to FaceTime them instead.
Whoever came up with that idea clearly hasn't tried to
FaceTime with someone over 70. It's like, "No, hold it --
No, hold the phone away -- Okay.
All right, now -- He turned it off.
Turn it -- Let's call him back."
I want to wish everyone a happy St. Patrick's Day.
Oh, no, that joke, we aren't gonna do.
We're not gonna do that joke, 'cause it's in the song.
Some big sports news today.
Tom Brady announced that he is leaving
the New England Patriots on St. Patrick's Day.
Yikes. For Boston, that's like getting dumped on your birthday.
At least Brady's announcement
gave ESPN something to talk about.
Yesterday on "SportsCenter,"
they were airing the NBA's best bounce passes of 2009.
That's our monologue, everybody.
Whoo! -Whoo!
-On St. -- -Winnie!
-Oh. -Mom!
Dad! Mom! -Okay.
-On St. Patrick's Day --
That should be a shamrock -- we have to have the staples.
Of course, I know in these times,
we can't go out, but we can celebrate.
Of course, Guinness is the beer of choice,
the stout from Ireland.
And the way a Guinness works is...
you pour it -- Smoother than that, hopefully.
[ Nancy and Jimmy chuckling ] That sounded so gross.
I feel like it just exploded from the inside out.
All right, so, look.
So it looks like -- You go, what is this?
This is a cloudy mess.
Almost looks like -- But see it all falling right there?
How beautiful is that?
That right there -- That will all eventually clear up,
and it'll be dark, black, with a nice white head on top.
It looks really good.
Of course, you have soda bread.
This is an Irish staple.
Not many people -- If you bake this at home,
people in the house really won't really eat it,
'cause there's caraway seeds in there,
and it's really kind of baking soda-y and baking --
it's just a lot of flour, and it's -- I love it.
I think it's great. Irish people love it.
But, again, if you make this at home,
you'll be the only one kind of eating it.
I mean, honey, you can have a piece if you'd like.
-I'm good, thanks. -Yeah, I know.
But if you're gonna do it, use Kerrygold butter.
This is like -- the Irish butter is the best,
and you put that on there.
It's really thick, kind of yellow-y type of butter.
And...
Cheers! Is that disgusting?
-[ Chuckles ]
-That's good.
Are you zooming in? What are you doing?
-[ Chuckles ]
-Well...
I -- Thank you.
It's very dry.
Okay. It's really, really good.
Happy St. Patrick's Day to everybody.
Okay, guys. That's our little show.
Again, if you can donate to feedingamerica.org,
that would be really helpful.
Thank you to Winnie Fallon for drawing these up for me
and Franny Fallon for not participating in the show --
Well, a little musical accompaniment at the beginning.
And of course, I want to thank my wife, Nancy.
You are awesome, buddy.
I figured let's end this with a little song,
and since it's St. Patrick's Day,
this one's called "St. Patrick's Day Quarantine."
♪♪
♪ Well, it's St. Paddy's Day, I'm quarantined ♪
♪ I'm in me house alone ♪
♪ No one to drink a Guinness with ♪
♪ Unless it's through me phone ♪
♪ So kiss me, I'm Irish, but stay six feet away ♪
♪ 'Cause no one wants to get a virus on St. Paddy's Day ♪
♪♪
♪ I'm socially distancing and stocking up on cans ♪
♪ With four-leaf clovers on my mind and Purell on my hands ♪
♪ And if you try to shake my hands ♪
♪ I'll kick ya in the rump ♪
♪ So do not kiss the Blarney Stone ♪
♪ Just give it an elbow bump ♪
Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody!
Ye-hoo!
Uh, all right, guys. I'm gonna go.
Please watch the rest of our show on NBC.
We are putting our best reruns we can on there for you.
We do want to entertain you. This is tough times.
We can get through this together.
We can.
Be safe.
Wash your hands.
And don't touch your face!
See you tomorrow!
Wheee!