Well, would you look at this?
I mean, what in the hell am I supposed to say about this? This is, just…and you think
you’ve seen it all, right? You think, there’s no way it can get any worse than…Chicken
Shoot, Jenga World Tour, Elf Bowling 1 and 2. After eight years, you think, “Alright,
I’ve seen the absolute worst of what the otherwise brilliant Nintendo DS has to offer.”
Then you see something like this.
I mean, what in the hell am I supposed to say about this?
It’s Deal or No Deal: The Banker Is Back.
So let’s go back to 2007. In the States, we got a video game based on Deal or No Deal,
the popular game show. And it was, easily, one of the absolute worst DS games ever made.
It was uncomfortably awful. But for a long time, I thought that…it ended there. That
at the very least, society had learned its lesson. That Howie Mandel, had learned his
lesson.
And maybe he did.
Doesn’t mean this stupid son of a b*tch did.
So basically, this is Jumanji. This is, like, a real-life Jumanji. And it was released in
2007, so instead of awesome lions and a young Kirsten Dunst, we got heat waves, earthquakes
and a crashed housing market. And a world where Kirsten Dunst was still a solidly above-average
hottie, but no one wanted to say it anymore. Because of the heat waves, I guess.
And the banker. He’s back.
And he’s brought this stupid of a b*tch with him.
Speaking of whom, that’s Noel Edmonds. If you don’t know who Noel Edmonds is, that’s
because your team won the war. Noel’s team lost. As a result, he still bows to the queen,
and he got a crappy version of Deal or No Deal. Here in America, we got Howie Mandel,
and hot chicks. Alright, so maybe Howie Mandel’s not an upgrade. Point is, USA, USA, I don’t
know what this show is. And frankly, I don’t care. ‘Cause if it’s half as enjoyable
as this game?
Uh, no, that’s impossible.
We don’t have the technology, to split something that small.
Fortunately, Deal or No Deal seems to abide to a universal set of rules. So the game plays
like you’d expect. The idea is, you pick a case, that case has a certain about of money
in it. You pick other cases, eliminating their money as you go…and along the way, a banker
tries to get you to sell your case. The gamble, of course, is that your case might have even
more money.
In my case, that was never the case.
Anyway, so what this amounts to…is a guessing game. Which doesn’t make a very good video
game, especially when there’s nothing on the line. It’s not like you’re risking
anything other than your time, playing this piece of sh*t. And if you are, you obviously
don’t value your time.
So there’s no point even continuing this conversation.
Not much point in playing this game, either. It’s absolutely terrible. One game will
last you anywhere from five to ten minutes, depending on how much of a sh*t you give.
And trust me, even if you’re on the low end of the spectrum, it’ll get even lower
as the minutes tick by. It’s unbelievable how poorly made this game actually is.
Or actually, you know what, it’s totally believable. The unbelievable thing is that
anyone, anywhere, would ever actually spend money on it. If you did, you’re the victim
of a crime, it’s that simple. Only no lawyer on this planet would represent you, ‘cause
you should’ve been smart enough to know better. The onus is on you, my friends.
You and Noel Edmonds.
Welcome to Jumanji, you stupid son of a b*tch.
So, these are…among the worst graphics and character designs I’ve ever seen. The clips
sound like they were recorded on a Talkboy. Yeah, nice work, Kevin McCallister. I would’ve
left you behind, too. So the sound and music are no better, it plays like garbage and there’s
about ten minutes worth of actual content.
At least, in the game itself.
Like I said, it’s provided the world with seven years of disasters already, and no one
seems to be able to stop it. But hey, now we know, you know? And we have Robert from
Middlesborough in the UK to thank for that. Thanks for sending this in, Robert. ‘Cause
now we know.
It’s Deal or No Deal: The Banker Is Back.