FIRST OFF, WE WANT TO CONGRATULATE TIGER WOODS, WHO
WON THE MASTERS GOLF TOURNAMENT YESTERDAY.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> James: IT WAS ABSOLUTELY
INCREDIBLE.
IT'S TIGER'S FIRST MAJOR CHAMPIONSHIP IN OVER A DECADE.
SO YEAH, CONGRATULATIONS TO THE ONLY GOLFER YOU'VE EVER HEARD
OF.
BUT IT WAS AMAZING.
WOODS HAS HAD TO OVERCOME POTENTIALLY CAREER-ENDING
INJURIES TO MAKE IT BACK TO CHAMPIONSHIP FORM.
SO IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING WITH HARD
WORK, PERSEVERANCE, AND A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR NIKE
SPONSORSHIP.
YOU CAN PULL THROUGH!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> James: MOVING ON.
TODAY WAS TAX DAY, THE DAY WHEN AMERICANS FILE
THEIR FEDERAL TAX RETURNS.
MY APOLOGIES TO ANY OF YOU WHO ARE JUST NOW HEARING THIS FOR
THE FIRST TIME.
IT'S TRUE.
SPEAKING OF TAXES.
ON SUNDAY, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY
SARAH SANDERS SAID THAT SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE MEMBERS OF
CONGRESS ARE "SMART ENOUGH" TO EXAMINE PRESIDENT TRUMP'S TAX
RETURNS.
CONGRESS, THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THE TAX LAWS?
SHE SAID CONGRESS ISN'T SMART ENOUGH FOR TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS.
TO WHICH ERIC TRUMP REPLIED, "HEY NOT BEING SMART ENOUGH
TO READ STUFF IS MY THING!" (LAUGHTER)
>> James: THAT'S WHAT I DO!
(APPLAUSE) >> James: WE MAY NEVER SEE
TRUMP'S TAXES.
BUT AT THIS POINT, I'M STARTING TO THINK HIS TAX RETURN IS JUST
THE WORDS "I'M RICH" WRITTEN IN CRAYON ON A USED ARBY'S TAKEOUT
BAG.
IN OTHER NEWS, EARLIER TODAY, ACTRESS LORI LOUGHLIN AND HER
HUSBAND FILED A DOCUMENT IN FEDERAL COURT SAYING THEY INTEND
TO PLEAD "NOT GUILTY" TO CHARGES STEMMING FROM THE COLLEGE
BRIBERY SCANDAL.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T STUDY, KIDS.
YOUR MOM GOES TO PRISON.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> James: DESPITE ALL THE
EVIDENCE, LOUGHIN AND HER HUSBAND ARE STILL SAYING THEY'RE
NOT GUILTY.
I'M STARTING TO UNDERSTAND WHY THE FAMILY NEEDED HELP GETTING
INTO COLLEGE.
ALL THIS DRAMA, ALL THIS STRESS, ALL THIS WORRY, JUST TO GET A
KID INTO COLLEGE.
LISTEN, YOU CAN JUST LIE ABOUT GOING TO COLLEGE.
NOBODY IS GOING TO CHECK ON IT.
NO ONE'S GOT THE TIME.
NO ONE CARES.
YOU KNOW?
I JUST WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT BEFORE I SPENT FOUR LONG
YEARS AT OXFORD.
(APPLAUSE) >> James: YOU SEE?
I DIDN'T GO TO OXFORD, I WENT TO CAMBRIDGE.
I DIDN'T.
BUT YOU STILL KIND OF BELIEVE ME.
AND THAT'S MY POINT.
AND FINALLY.
WE HAD TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS.
A DIVORCED 40-YEAR-OLD MAN IN INDIANA IS SUING HIS PARENTS FOR
THROWING AWAY HIS $29,000 COLLECTION OF PORNOGRAPHY.
AND GUESS WHAT LADIES?
HE'S SINGLE.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> James: THE 40-YEAR-OLD MAN
HAD MOVED BACK IN WITH HIS PARENTS FOLLOWING A DIVORCE,
WHICH I IMAGINE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH
HIS $29,000 DOLLAR PORN COLLECTION.
HE'S SUING HIS OWN PARENTS AFTER THEY THREW AWAY HIS PORN?
YEAH.
AT LEAST THE MAN IS CONSISTENT.
HE OBVIOUSLY LIKES TAKING MATTERS INTO HIS OWN HANDS.