- How can you stop using sex as a coping mechanism?
Because sex can be about connection, it could be about fun.
It can be about a lot of things.
- Try to have fun, otherwise what's the point?
- But when you're using it to cope,
that's when it can start to be dangerous.
I'm Jonathan Decker with Mended Light.
This is ask a therapist and let's explore healthy sexuality
versus sexuality that can do some damage.
(uplifting music)
So, in order to understand sex as a coping mechanism,
we first have to understand
just the concept of coping mechanisms.
Most people have a pretty solid grasp of this,
where you get stressed, you get afraid,
you get sad, you get overwhelmed.
And you're looking for something to help you feel better,
to ease the stress, to help you to feel happy,
to help you feel at peace, right?
Or just to make the pain go away for a while.
(woman strongly inhales and exhales)
And it is pretty common human experience
that we want the pain to stop.
I certainly experienced that
when I was in football practice in high school,
and we had these really long grueling football practices.
And I remember thinking in my head,
water break, water break, water break.
Mercy, mercy, Mercy, please stop.
(SpongeBob laughing) - Make it stop Krabs!
Make it stop!
And that is nothing compared to what I witnessed
when my wife gave birth to our children.
We want the pain to go away
and that's as true of emotional pain as it is anything.
And so we turn all sorts of things for this.
The issue is that the things that are going to help us
to feel truly happy and at peace,
don't have the immediate effect
that things that aren't as good for us have, right?
If I'm stressed and I'm overwhelmed and someone's like,
"here, here's a veggie platter."
I'm not going to be like, "oh, goodie,
this broccoli's going to make it all go away.
These baby carrots are singing to my soul."
- You know, eat your green vegetables.
- That's what my mom is always saying.
I just never actually believed her.
- You bring me a box of donuts and I'm gonna be like,
"Oh good! I'm having the worst day ever." Right?
And it's the same thing with drinking.
It's the same thing with drugs.
It's the same thing with even things that aren't necessarily
bad for you,
but you just get sucked into them like playing video games,
binge-watching on Netflix.
Like we get into all this stuff as a means to escape,
as a means to make the feeling stop,
as a means to replace.
And replacement actually is a really good key and strategy,
but we gotta be smart about it. Even exercise,
which you would think, well,
exercise is a good coping mechanism,
can be carried to excess.
And along this line of things that people turn to to cope
is sex.
And it's easy to understand why.
If you're doing it right, sex feels good.
- It's good.
- [Both] It's good!
- It provides a rush of endorphins.
It provides a sense of connection,
or the very least of being desired. Or in some cases,
if we feel like we deserve to be punished,
or that we deserve to be rejected,
then sexuality can incorporate some of that into it,
and now I have someone hurting me, or insulting me,
because I feel like that's what I deserve.
And that helps me to cope because
if I've been punished, or if I've been insulted,
or if I've been abused,
then I can let go of the pain because
I paid the price for my badness, right?
Like we get into all these things,
whether it's just the pleasure of sex,
all the way to some really dark, dark things.
And people turn to sex as a coping mechanism.
The issue with that is as a coping mechanism,
people turn to a lot of unhealthy sexual behaviors or
sexual behaviors that can hurt them, unprotected sex,
sex with strangers, sex in public places,
dangerous and risky sex.
I know, I've worked with people who engage in a lot of
sexual relationships with multiple partners,
just seeking to fill the void,
and seeking to make the pain stop.
And the problem with sex is the same problem
as it is with chocolate donuts or alcohol or anything,
is it only takes the pain away for a while.
And then you still have to face your reality.
And because we run to sex,
and we don't want to face our reality,
there's physical risks that I don't need to tell you about
from pregnancy, to STD,
but there's also psychological and emotional risks.
There's a great book called,
Hooked: How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Teens,
that talks about when we sexually connect with somebody,
either through holding hands, kissing, making out,
or actually making love, the brain releases dopamine,
which is a pleasure hormone,
which I get when I'm drinking my Dr. Pepper,
or eating my pizza, playing my Nintendo.
Like I experience that dopamine rush of something
pleasant and enjoyable, that reinforces "do this more.
This is fun. This is good. I enjoy this."
- This drink, I like it.
- I know, it's great, right? - Another!
- But also, oxytocin and vasopressin are released,
and those are bonding hormones.
And when we sexually connect with somebody,
we bond with them emotionally and psychologically.
And if that relationship ends, it's far more painful
if sex was involved than if it wasn't,
because we are bonded.
And so what does the brain do in order to compensate?
And in order for it to hurt less, next time,
it'll still release that dopamine rush,
but it will release less oxytocin and vasopressin so that
you don't bond as much with the person.
And then that relationship ends. And then the next person,
until, if you're having a lot of casual sex
as a coping mechanism,
what ends up happening is your ability to experience sex as
bonding is diminished,
and the ability to have a monogamous or
committed relationship or polyamorous,
even if you have a few people in there,
but you're committed to each other,
your ability to experience that as satisfying is diminished
because you're looking for the next rush.
You're looking for variety in partners,
variety and experiences,
instead of connection and closeness,
because your brain has diminished and stopped releasing the
oxytocin ambassador precedent.
And you're no longer looking for intimacy and love.
You're looking for that rush.
- What a rush.
And so when sex becomes all about the rush, one,
it's hard to stay committed to somebody, two,
you need to go more and more extreme to experience the rush.
It can be devastating.
Physically, can be devastating emotionally,
it can be devastating psychologically.
There are people who are sexual addicts
and it's hard for them to enjoy life.
It's hard for them to love themselves,
just like any other addiction.
They have a hard time experiencing joy or pleasure through
other activities. They just keep going to this outlet.
So how do you stop using sex as a coping mechanism?
The first step is to recognize that you're doing it.
What are my motivations for being sexually involved?
Is it connection? Is it fun?
Is it casual?
Is it to build a relationship?
Or is it to make something go away?
Because if it's to make something go away,
you should replace sex with something healthier.
- Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy.
- Healthy replacements are everything right.
I'm feeling sad.
What can I do to feel happy? If I'm feeling stressed?
What can I do to feel stress relief?
I once had a girl break my heart in college
and instead of turning to a slew of
casual sexual relationships,
which I'm sure would have made my heartbreak worse.
I saw connection through service.
I saw people who were struggling, who were sad,
and I looked to connect with them and to lift them
or just to, you know, give them my company.
And it helped me to feel happier. And it helped me to,
to come out of it.
- I made up a new dance move.
It's called the move on with your life.
- Another thing, just like any other addiction,
is to approach it from multiple angles, right?
There's the physical component.
So what can I do instead of being sexually involved that
will give me a release or give me those endorphins,
what can I do that will help me to feel happy
or feel that rush, or...
Identify whatever it is you're getting out of the sex
and give it, look for a healthy replacement.
This is also true for pornography.
Emotionally, what am I trying to feel?
And how can I feel that in a way that
doesn't ruin my relationships
or jeopardize my chance to connect intimately
with someone in the future, or put me at physical risk?
If I am habitually, what are the habits?
Do I go out to the clubs on Friday night
and look for people?
What can I do to break that and put something in its place
where I have connection with family and friends,
can I spend time with loved ones,
playing board games, or going out to movies, or
going out to restaurants, or going for hikes,
things like that. Breaking the routine.
They say that the cure for addiction,
isn't sobriety, it's connection.
And I think that's very true.
And sometimes because it's hard to connect, we turn to sex.
Some people turn to sex as like
a replacement for connection.
I don't want to be close to people.
People could hurt me.
- I want to get hurt.
- But if I have casual sex,
then I can feel desired and wanted.
I can have the pleasure of touch and then withdraw.
The issue with that is it keeps you from something deeper
and something more meaningful.
And if you're having a hard time establishing connections,
let a therapist help you.
Members of my team are trained in helping you to connect
and helping you to resolve conflict, to communicate,
to build healthy, strong relationships,
so that you don't feel the need to cope
with loneliness or stress through sexual outlets.
Can sex as a coping mechanism, be a good thing,
be a healthy thing?
Yeah, absolutely. I mean,
a lot of people will tell you that you can do that casually
and it would be a good thing.
And while I don't think it's necessarily a harmful thing,
even better, if you're in a healthy, committed relationship,
there's definitely something to be said for
you're struggling. You're sad.
You're overwhelmed. And connecting with someone that,
you know loves you, that you know respects you,
and connecting with them sexually.
It is bonding. It is a relief and it can be very beautiful.
- [Both Men] It's beautiful!
I've had that in my, in my marriage with Alicia,
I've had times where being intimate with one another
helps the sadness go away.
And the difference is it's not this a little temporary fix.
It brings us closer together and
helps us to feel stronger as a couple.
Sex as a coping mechanism isn't always a negative,
but very often it is because we turn to harmful,
destructive behaviors to get a bigger buzz,
or to get the same buzz we were getting before.
And the best way to break that habit
is to build close relationships,
is to seek healthy replacements.
It's to identify why you do what you do.
And as I was saying about healthy replacements to seek,
okay, how can I get that need met in a way that's better?
If you enjoyed this ask a therapist segment,
I want to direct you to the entire playlist
where I take on your most burning questions.
And if you'd like to ask me something that you'd like to see
addressed in a future video, leave it in the comments below.
I might answer you there, or we might turn it into a video.
If you have ways of breaking free from sex
as a coping mechanism,
or other potentially destructive habits
as a coping mechanism,
please leave them in the comments below
for others to benefit from.
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Most importantly, keep shining your light to the world.
We need it, and so does everybody else.
I'm Jonathan Decker with Mended Light.
This has been ask a therapist and I'll see you next time.
Oh, look, it's the playlist I was telling you about.
What are you doing for the next hour? Couple hours?
You got time, you got time for growth.
It's time.