Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach all over the world about parenting, good communication and
good relationships and in this video, I'm going to be talking about
how to solve communication problems in a relationship.
I know that relationship problems can all look different but there are some key skills and
principles that I'm going to share with you today that you can use with any relationship
and any relationship problem that you might be having. One of the top reasons that people end up
with communication problems in their relationships is because they don't have a shared vision of
where they are headed in their relationship in the first place. We oftentimes take relationships for
granted and we forget that we should be a little bit more deliberate in the direction that we
are heading together in the relationship. Now I'm talking love relationship, I'm talking parent-child
relationship, I'm talking son mother-in-law relationship, I'm talking all of the relationships.
We have to talk deliberately about what we want out of our relationship and where we're headed
in order to actually get close to where we hope to get to. We all have little hopes and dreams
inside of what we want our relationship to be like but without articulating those, without
taking deliberate steps toward them, we might not get there. So, what can we do to create a deliberate
vision in our relationship with someone, especially if we're currently having a relationship problem?
Well you need to pick a time where you are not having a communication problem with the person
and you talk about how grateful for them that you are and you talk about what your hopes are for
the relationship and see if they will also open up about their hopes for the relationship too
and then say you know, I think sometimes we don't communicate in a way that really points us toward
what we want out of our relationship. Maybe there's some skills or something that we could learn
so that we could improve our communication so that maybe we could end up getting closer
to the type of relationship that we hope to have. What do you think? Get them on board with
you. In my teaching self-government parenting course, I teach all about creating vision,
that's like the first step in parenting, getting the family all on board on the same vision of
who you're becoming as a group and each person in a family has a relationship with each other
individually. There's a lot of relationships that exist in a family dynamic. So the family needs to
see the group relationship going in a certain direction as well. So we've created this picture
in our family of who we're becoming and we are very close now. It was a 20-year vision. We are
so close within a couple of years of actually achieving that vision which I think is amazing
that we are so close and I see how our children have turned out, I see what has happened to our
family culture and how they're constantly wanting to bring other people, friends and other people
into our home, into our family because they love that culture and it's because we deliberately
decided what we wanted our culture to be. In order to solve your communication problems, it's best to
create a communication plan based on principles and not preferences or just arbitrary rules. What
is a principle? A principle is something that is broad so it can be applied to things broadly. It's
also something that is everlasting. So no matter what it's rooted in truth, you can't get rid of it,
it just applies to everything. So when you are creating communication patterns with a person, use
principles that can help you. So there are certain skills that I teach that are actually based upon
principles. For instance there's four basic skills that I teach people in their communication. These
applies to adults and children, I promise you it's powerful to teach these to children but you will
feel liberation just using them as an adult as well. For instance there's following instructions,
accepting "no" answers and criticism, accepting consequences and disagreeing appropriately. So
let's just talk about one of those. Let's talk about accepting "no" answers. There are four steps
to accepting a "no" answer. You look at the person or the situation, you keep a calm face, voice and body,
you say okay. Meaning okay this is what happened or you disagree appropriately and then you drop
the subject. Those are the four steps to accepting and "no" answer or criticism. So when things happen
in your relationship, someone tells you no or someone gives you a criticism, can you look at the
situation of the person, keep a calm face, voice and body about it, say okay. I can accept that criticism
or disagree appropriately which is a whole other skill that you need to master and we're not going
to talk about that right now and then can you drop the subject. Can you drop the subject? So dropping
the subject shows that you are choosing to be okay, you're not going to carry that moment with you.
You're not going to think prideful thoughts or selfish thoughts about the other person. Instead
you're going to bond to the person, care about the person even if you couldn't sway the person
to your point of view. Now, I know as a parent sometimes that looks a little bit different but
this is a principle of good communication that is broadly applicable. So how does this skill apply
to parenting? Well use your imagination. A child would need to look at you, keep a calm face, voice
and body, say okay or disagree appropriately and then drop the subject when you give them
a "no" answer or some sort of criticism that you feel like they need. I'm going to talk about some
things you can put into your good communication plan but before I do, click that subscribe button.
This whole channel is dedicated to learning how to better solve problems and communicate
and strengthen and unite relationships, that's what self-government which is a principle is for
so click the link to the subscribe button now so that you can learn more things about how you can
apply self-government into the tricky moments of your life. A good plan involves connection so
focus on connection to the other person. Focus on looking at them. See that first step that I talked
about in accepting a "no" answer, look at the person or the situation, that means make a connection. If
you're just thinking about yourself and you won't look at anybody or connect then they can't connect
with you either. This damages your communication. You won't be able to get your points across to
each other and you'll stay in a selfish place the whole time so establish connection. This also
means listen to the other person too. Look at them and listen when it's their turn to talk as well.
Also don't take things personally. When somebody doesn't agree with you, they maybe tell you no
for something or you disagree appropriately with them but they don't really seem to care, don't take
it personally. Don't get emotionally invested in what they think or what they want. Now as a parent,
of course sometimes especially if the child is still a minor and we're doing training in our home
then we have to make sure that we help the child learn how to communicate with us in that moment.
But if we're working with another adult or a co-worker then we just need to decide not to take
it personally. Just go well, they can think whatever they want. They have their choice, they have their
agency. I may not agree with it, I may even notice they're going against principle but I'm not going
to choose to get emotionally bent out of shape over it. This is important and this helps other
people want to talk to us about other things in the future. Be deliberate in your communication.
This means communicate the right words. Plan out what you will say. Sometimes when something very
delicate needs to be talked about, it requires a little bit of planning. Obviously heart too.
You're going to connect to the people but make sure that you are taking the time to
focus on which words might matter most to them and that they will understand so that they can
understand where you're coming from when it's your turn to talk. Be deliberate, not emotional in your
communication. Don't be a selfish communicator by lecturing or talking too much. This can be a
problem when you are trying to fix a relationship or improve communication in your relationship,
sometimes we think I've got to do more. I've got to do more, not necessarily. Sometimes more can
seem a little bit overbearing. If that person isn't ready for more, they will give you cues to that so
less is okay too. Just focus on being comfortable with them even if you aren't talking at the time.
Now, I know if you're extroverted and the person is introverted, this can seem very difficult but trust
me on this. It increases trust in that introverted person if you show them you're okay with a little
bit of silence too. Speak with heart and with calmness. Calmness is something that very few
people actually have or develop. It's one of the rarest qualities in human life. It is the poise
of a great nature in harmony with itself and its ideals. Its absolute confidence and conscious power
that's ready to be focused in an instant to meet any crisis. Are you calm? If you are calm, you carry
with you a type of confidence and a type of power and I'm not talking about the fake calm, the stoic
calm like I'm calm, that's not calm. True calmness means that if everything falls apart around you,
you actually are going to see what's happening and plan your next step. You're not going to panic,
you're not going to fight it. Instead you are going to cope and adapt and love and connect
through the process no matter what. Calmness is true power and it's rooted upon principle.
If you have calmness in your communication, it will improve your communication like nothing
else will. How do you help a person get calm without losing your calmness at the same time?
Many people want to know that. Well I'd like to give you a gift for free that will help you
learn how to do that. So, I have something called the calm parenting toolkit and right now you can
click on the link that's directly below this video. It's in the description, it says teachselfgov.com/
toolkit. You click on that link to the calm parenting toolkit,
you can have the call parenting toolkit for free. It's a course a mini course that's a starter for
self-government. It will have 10 lessons, it will give you 10 tools that you can use to be a calmer
communicator. Sure, it's not everything that I teach with self-government but it is a great start and
it will help you improve your communication today. Learn how to improve your communication,
take deliberate steps. Click on the link to the calm parenting toolkit now. I'll see you there.