- Girl, are you a ventilator because I want you on my face.
(laughs)
("Careless Whisper" by George Michael)
(bleep noise)
Hey everyone, welcome back to my channel.
How you doing in this lockdown?
I don't remember what the before days felt like.
What is normal? Is there even such a thing?
I can't remember any of that.
God I've been at home for way too long.
I really need a haircut, man.
With every passing day, I'm looking
more and more like a Karen.
I vaguely remember being a standup comedian
in the before days.
Was that what I used to do? Yes.
That was what I used to do. That's correct.
If you still remember stand up,
it's where you tell jokes to a live audience.
My god, remember people and friends?
Everything's on Zoom now, isn't it?
There's no more live stand up.
There's no more getting into a theater
and getting all germs,
getting all the bacteria on each other.
Everything's on Zoom now. Right?
You have Zoom birthday parties,
Zoom pub quizzes, Zoom funerals.
Zoom stand up doesn't feel as great as regular standup,
but I think it's the next best thing
and it's the only option I have.
So last week we had a live event, a live podcast recording.
Oh yeah, if you don't know,
I have a podcast called Rise To Meet You,
it's a comedy podcast about Asian culture.
Go subscribe on Spotify, Apple podcast, all the stuff.
We had a live podcast event where I got to
try my new jokes in front of fans of the podcast
over Zoom, which is okay, I think it went well.
And I'm going to show you the jokes I did.
And you can see how they went down.
But before we jump into it, our next live show is June 26.
It's a Friday.
So come if you're free, which you probably will be free.
What are you doing?
Restaurants are closed. All the clubs and bars are closed.
You're just at home alone with your thoughts.
Nobody wants that.
Come to the live show,
go buy tickets, click the link in the video description.
And also I'm doing a giveaway.
So watch til the end of this video
and comment down below which joke was your favorite.
And I'll pick one winner
to win a ticket to our next live show.
And so, yeah, this is how the jokes went.
The worst purchase I made this year
was a 2020 daily calendar planner.
It'd be like this
(audience laugh)
Each page is a week, see? Seven.
You can't really see it, but a seven day,
it's very, it's very empty, that's all I'm saying.
But I filled up a few entries.
So I'm going to read them out to you of stuff I did.
And by the way, is it just me
or does it still feel like March right now?
(viewer laughs)
All right, April 9th, dressed up to go out today,
the people at Tesco did not appreciate it.
They told me to stop touching
all the vegetables and just pick one.
But you have to test the vegetables, right?
Who blindly buys an onion, you know?
Right now, every grocery store you go to here,
they have, they have arrows on the floor
where they have arrows, you are supposed
to walk along the arrows and like who obeys that?
There's no way I won't fuck it up.
Ikea has been using the arrow system for ages
and I still get lost.
(laughs)
I think that's okay, you know,
there's some decent laughs there.
- Do the sound effect on yourself Nigel,
do the clapping, applause sound effect.
- I'm not done yet.
Let me do it at the end.
- [Evelyn] Okay. (audience laughs)
- I don't milk the sound effects.
(laughs)
Isn't it a bit disheartening Evelyn that
(audience laugh)
we try so hard to prepare the jokes
and then the sound effects get the most laughs.
- [Evelyn] I know.
We've, I mean, we've really painted ourselves
into a corner with the sound effects.
(Nigel and audience laugh)
It was supposed to enhance the podcast,
now it's like the best thing about the podcast.
(Nigel and audience laugh)
People just wait for the sound effects.
(audience laughs)
Oh God.
- You guys have parents who send you alternative remedies
for Coronavirus in WhatsApp messages?
Yeah?
My mom is like, oh garlic kills Coronavirus,
lemon cures Coronavirus.
And I'm like, well, how convenient
that all the cures for Coronavirus is in your kitchen, Mom.
(laughs)
Scientists all over the world,
they're scrambling to find a vaccine
and you're like, nah, let's just go to Linda's house.
No, just gargle some salt water.
That's it. That's all we need.
- For context, Nigel's mom's name is Linda.
The most white lady name.
- Well my name is Nigel so I'm not that much better.
Like birds of a feather, but we name
we had the same naming system for our kids
who choose the lamest white British name.
I wish I could bring this soundboard
with me on stage for every show I do now in the future.
But for people who don't listen to the podcast,
they're like, what the fuck?
- Yeah.
(audience laugh)
- What is this?
Like imagine if I go to do a gig
in like the middle of nowhere England,
imagine if I go to Hull,
and I'd be like thank you guys.
♪ You make me dance ♪
(laughs)
And then the white people-
- I'm so glad everybody gets to see the dance.
He does that every time he plays that one.
He does that.
- It's the dance for the song.
- If you go to Hull, oh my gosh.
- During this pandemic, right?
I still get a lot of emails
from every like every company ever
saying that, oh yeah coronavirus update.
We are here for you.
We'll be here with you throughout the lockdown.
And I'm like, chill.
I bought a plunger from you two years ago, right?
We are not in this together, Wilco. Just relax.
Like some companies are getting desperate.
I got an email like two days ago from Premier Inn.
And the title of the email: Hopeful, Hopeful travels.
Why not spend next year's Valentine's day in Liverpool.
(laughs)
They're just desperate.
I'm not going to go to Liverpool when lockdown lifts.
All right, I'm going to Wu Han China. That's cheap flights.
(laughs)
All right. (digital applause) That was good, I liked that.
Self applause.
- Nigel, aren't you going to do the pickup lines?
Your Corona pickup lines?
- All right, I'll pick, I'll pick my favorite ones.
Um, girl, are you a ventilator
because I want you on my face.
(audience laughs)
("Careless Whisper")
- [Evelyn] Oh my god.
Do another one.
- Okay, I shouldn't have started with that.
That was the best one.
(laughs)
Oh no, yeah, the others they're not,
they're not as good but I'll try it.
Is that a bottle of hand sanitizer in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?
(laughs)
- Yeah. ("Careless Whisper" starts then ends)
- That one wasn't as good.
- Yeah, not as good. The ventilator on my face was the best.
I think this can be our next episode, you know.
It's pretty all right. The vibe is good.
- Why do you-
- Would you guys like your laughs to be in the next episode?
(upbeat orchestral music)