Right, what we're going to do now is find out how fast
each car will go round the track.
Yup and for that, we need our tame racing driver.
Some say that as we speak, he is actually relaxing in the resort pool
-and he is, actually. -He is.
We dragged him out of the pool and plonked him into his holiday hire car.
This is Emerson Fittipaldi's F1 Lotus,
which won the world championship in 1972.
And amazingly, it produces 420 brake horsepower,
the same sort of power you get from our saloons.
So, first up, let's see how fast this gets round the track.
They brought that car out in 1970. 1971 season began.
What have you done to change it? Nothing.
Didn't change it until '75.
So, every year, they said, "It was good last year. Look!"
One interesting thing about that car is it had torsion beam suspension,
which was forgiving in slow corners,
which made the tyres last longer.
You managed to find something boring about something incredibly exciting.
-Do we have a time? -2.15.16.
-Yes! -2.15.16 is the time it did.
The Stig then switched to the Merc.
I'm getting ready to run away.
-Look at it! Look at it move! -What a machine!
Hard on the brakes now. Look at that! He's missed the apex.
Probably he understeered off. He was going straight on!
When do you feel most alive?
-When you're right... that close to death. -Every time you get in that car,
the greatest thing in your life is you can get out alive?
You get to every destination and go, "Yes! I'm alive! I made it!"
You don't think that might wear a bit?
The Merc has more power than the Lotus F1, but could it beat its 2.15 lap time?
-2.43. -You thought...
Next up, Captain Slow's Audi.
I'm going to be 430 years old by the time it gets here.
So it's going to take half a year?
Watch when it comes through here, it'll look quick. You'll be able to see it.
So, when you were saying that it won't slide,
-what you meant was, "I can't slide it." -Yes.
I hate that sound of understeer. That...
Disappointing, isn't it? It sounded disappointing.
-Could we have a time, please? -Two minutes 43.5 to beat.
The RS4 did it in two minutes 43.9.
Well, hang on!
That means your extra 45 horsepower has bought you less than half a second.
-All that noise. -All that noise.
It is the sound made by an idiot.
So, with the Audi out of the running, it was the M3's turn.
It is impossible for your car to be faster than my car.
I've got more brake horsepower and more per ton.
It's out of control and it rolls through the corners
like the wheels are on sideways.
-Boring! -Boring?
Boring. Boring there. M3 drivers have no friends.
-It's just dreary. -It's not dreary. It's quietly aggressive.
It looks menacing and purposeful, but not overstated.
The M3 did a two minute 38.9.
That is quite funny.
How can you argue with that?
I'm afraid there's been a bit of an argument.
Jeremy told the Stig he hadn't tried hard enough in his Mercedes on the fast lap.
The Stig said, no, the Mercedes was too wayward and uncontrollable.
Jeremy said rubbish.
He could hit an apple on the apex of any corner at full speed.
So, here's the apple and here comes, I imagine, a very big crash.
Damn! I'll go again.
The important thing is, Jeremy won't get bored.
Actually, I did.
I'll bet you any money that Stig couldn't do it in your car.
I would eat it if he could hit it.
The great taste of Michelin.
There was another issue with the mad Merc.
Whoa!
That's canvas showing!
So, hang on, your rear tyres lasted... how long?
35 miles.
That's going to be inconvenient if you live 40 miles from work.
Keen to claw back some dignity after the apple
and the lap time debacle, Jeremy became ridiculous.
Okay, what we've got here is the brand new Top Gear cock-o-meter
that I've just thought off.
The idea is the camera takes a picture as you approach.
The image is then analysed
and it tells you how much of a cock you look.
First up, James May in the Audi.
Good score. So now the Merc.
No, it's a seven, so how about Hammond in the M3?
I've not got a good feeling about this one.
Oh, he's broken the machine! Look! He's broken it!