We just had the Winter Olympics.
You are one of the most famous Scotsmen in the world.
I didn't see a lot of Scots in the Olympics.
I didn't, I didn't see.
I watched.
And that's one thing I was thinking about today.
Pretty much everyone represented.
Am I right about that?
No, the British team had four Scottish guys,
the curling team.
The curl?
Oh, the curl!
I didn't watch the curl.
The best sport in the world.
(Conan and audience laughs)
Now what, the best sport in the world?
The best sport in the world.
[Conan] Really?
At last, housework has become Olympic.
(All laugh)
They took a common chore and they made it Olympic!
Yeah, they were gonna do it with vacuum cleaners
and then they changed their mind at the last minute.
(Conan laughs)
It's extraordinary.
But the trouble with it is that they've given it
to young people and that all wearing and spandex
and nylon and all that.
Curling is supposed to be played by drunk people.
Wearing tweed.
Yes, it looks like that kind of sport.
Wooly hats.
Wooly hats, and you should have had a few pints
and then you should go out--
Drunk people on the ice.
Whoa!
I went to a meeting,
a gathering, called a bonspiel in 1979
with 700 curlers on a lake.
[Conan] Yeah.
It was bedlam.
The noise was unbelievable.
Ay!
They hadn't marked out the lanes or anything,
they just...
People getting knocked over with ninepins.
So they hadn't actually, there was no real,
who could even possibly play in those conditions.
Absolutely, people singing, getting drunk.
It was wonderful.
(Conan and audience laugh)
That's what you think the Olympics should be, isn't it?
That's what I call a sport, oh yes.
Yeah, that's a sport.
Now--
And how come they can have Winter Olympics
without a snowball fight?
You think that's how it should end, a snowball--
Or a building of a snowman.
Good sports.
They should make it more fun like that.
Absolutely.
They should take the piss out of it a little bit.
The luge doubles was very interesting.
[Conan] Did you like that?
Yeah, people lying on top of each other.
I thought that was amazing.
You like that, huh?
Oh yeah.
(all laugh)
You can't lift your head because you slow down.
The guy is going, "what're you doing?"
"it's the change in my pocket!"
"yeah, right!"
Now speaking of drinking,
You've been sober for a while now.
30 years.
How many years?
30.
30 years you've been sober,
(audience cheers and applauds)
what is it--
And it's been hell!
It's been hell.
What is it that caused you,
what was the event that caused you,
if I'm not being too personal, to stop drinking?
Well, there were many reasons
but the main one was, it dawned on me
that alcohol doesn't make you clever.
One night I was drinking with a friend of mine,
Peter McDougall, the writer.
And I left his house blitzed.
[Conan] Right.
And I went to phone home, to my wife,
and I get into one of those British telephone boxes.
You know, those red ones.
Sure, yeah.
And I made my phone call,
then I realized I couldn't get out.
(Conan and audience laugh)
You weren't, you couldn't, you didn't
you couldn't figure it out?
I couldn't figure that out, you know?
There was nothing wrong with the box.
The door was working fine.
[Conan] Right.
I mean the telephones on one of the walls,
that cuts it down to three.
[Conan] Yeah!
(Conan and audience laugh)
It's hardly a Hampton corn maze.
Yeah!
So what did you do?
I phoned my manager and I rang him up and I'm,
"Hey, Steve, I'm stuck."
He's, "where are you?"
I said, "I'm in a doo doo doo doo."
And he found me!
He just went--
He went and looked at every phone booth he could find.
Yeah, unless I was on a street called doo doo doo.
He went to all my usual haunts and he found me.
And he just opened the door for you.
Smelling of urine.
I hadn't peed, but a lot of people pee in those boxes.
Oh, it wasn't even your urine!
Oh, that's the worst.
Nothing worse than smelling of someone else.
Yes!