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EVERYBODY! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
GUEST IS A COMEDIAN, A DEAR FRIEND, AND THE HOST OF THE
POPULAR PODCAST, "INSIDE OUT WITH PAUL MECURIO."
KEVIN COSTNER, PAUL McCARTNEY PAST GUESTS HAVE INCLUDED AND
STEPHEN COLBERT. PLEASE WELCOME PAUL MECURIO!
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>> THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
SO, PEOPLE ASK ME ALL THE TIME NOW AS A STAND-UP, IS IT HARD TO
DO STAND-UP THESE DAYS BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS SO POLITICALLY
CORRECT? AND I THINK IT'S HARD TO LIVE
LIFE BECAUSE THINGS ARE SO POLITICALLY CORRECT.
CORRECTNESS BUT I BELIEVE THE I KNOW IN POLITICAL PENDULUM HAS
SWUNG A LITTLE WAY AND NEED TO COME BACK TO THE MIDDLE.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO RELAX A LITTLE BIT.
MY WIFE AND I ARE WALKING OUR DOG IN CENTRAL PARK.
IT'S A LAW IN NEW YORK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE YOUR DOG ON A
A GUY'S DOG WASN'T ON THE LEASH, AND WE DID. LEASH,
BIG DOG, SCARING PEOPLE, AND MY WIFE SAID, "SIR, YOUR DOG SHOULD
AND THE GUY SAID, "WHY, BE ON A LEACH." BECAUSE
IMPLYING WE WERE RACIST IT'S A PIT BULL?" TOWARDS
I SAID, "NO, BECAUSE IT'S GOT PIT BULLS. A
BABY IN ITS MOUTH. THAT'S WHY."
AND IT'S SMOKING
OKAY.
I SAID "CHESTERFIELDS."
DO INNOCENT THINGS THAT YOU CAN'T DO ANY MORE.
EVERY HALLOWEEN, MY PARENTS WOULD DRESS ME AS A HOBO.
( LAUGHTER )
SOME OF YOU ARE NODDING YOUR HEAD, RIGHT, REMEMBER?
THEY DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT. YOU COULDN'T DO THAT NOW.
IT'S A HOMELESS PERSON. IT WOULD BE CONSIDERED
OFFENSIVE. I GET IT.
AND IT WAS WEIRD. THINK ABOUT IT,s OUR PARENTS
DRESSED US AS HOMELESS PEOPLE. AND SENT US OUT ON TO THE
STREETS AT NIGHT. TO COLLECT FREE FOOD!
( LAUGHTER )
EVERY HOUSE BAKED BEANS AND A HARMONICA.
THAT WAS IT.
STEREOTYPES? THEY'RE FINE.
OKAY. THEY MAKE US DIFFERENT, AND
THAT'S WHAT MAKES LIFE INTERESTING, OKAY.
IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON TO STEREOTYPE.
IT DOESN'T. EVERYBODY NEEDS TO RELAX.
I'M ITALIAN, 100% ITALIAN. WHEN YOU HEARD THAT YOU HAD A
STEREOTYPEICAL THOUGHT, YOU EITHER THOUGHT MAFIA OR PLASTIC
ON THE FURNITURE. YOU DID, YOU DID.
AND GUESS WHAT? FOR ME, THEY BOTH APPLY, AND
THAT'S OKAY.
THING IT'S, YOU KNOW, LOWER CLASS PEOPLE, THERE'S THAT ONE
ROOM WITH FURNITURE THAT'S REALLY NICE SO YOU CAN ONLY GO
MA'AM, YOU'RE NODDING YOUR IN TWICE A YEAR, RIGHT? HEAD.
YOU GO CHRISTMAS AND EASTER. THAT'S IT.
AND IN THAT SAME ROOM THERE'S A PICTURE OF THE POPE, JESUS, AND
FRANK SINATRA.
THREE TIMES THE SIZE OF THE POPE AND THE JESUS PICTURE.
AND THE MAFIA PART IS TRUE. MY COUSIN BOBBY IS A SMALL -TIME
MAFIA GUY, HE RUNS NUMBERS AND DRESSES LIKE JOHN TRAVOLTA IN
"SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER." SMOKING CIGARETTES ON THE
CORNER, HOW YOU DOING, HOW YOU DOING?
AND HE SELLS STUFF OUT OF THE TRUNK OF HIS CAR.
LAST WEEK, HE WAS SELLING SUITS, RATCHETS, AND CAR ALARMS.
CAR ALARMS HE STOLE OUT OF
PEOPLE'S CARS.
A GUIDO. THIS IS HOW HE CAME DRESSED TO
MY FATHER'S FUNERAL, AN OPEN-CASKET FUNERAL.
I NOM OF NOT MAKING THIS UP. FLUORESCENT ORANGE SILK SHIRT,
GOLD CHAINS, WHITE PATENT LEATHER BELTS AND WHITE SLACKS.
YOU GETTING THE PICTURE? A CREAMSICLE.
BUT YOU HAVE TO PUT POWDER ON YOUR FEET TO KEEP THEM DRY, BUT
BOBBY, PUT TOO MUCH POWDER ON THEM, SO EVERY TIME HE'D STEP
TOWARDS THE CASKET, PUFFS OF WHITE SMOKE WITHOUT COME OUT OF
THE TOPS OF HIS SHOES. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.
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NOW, WE'VE GOT A FEW MINUTES HERE.
I WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THE INTRO HERE.
I'VE DONE YOUR PODCAST. DID YOU-- IS THAT TRUE, YOU HAD
PAUL McCARTNEY ON YOUR PODCAST IN.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN IS IT TRUE? YES.
>> Stephen: I HAVE HAD PAUL McCARTNEY ON ONCE.
>> I HAD HIM ON BECAUSE OF YOU. >> Stephen: WHY DID YOU HAVE
HIM BECAUSE OF ME. >> BECAUSE HE WAS ON THE
"COLBERT REPORT" AS A GUEST AND I GOT HIM THERE.
I'M LIKE THE LITTLE SHARK THAT SWIMS ON TOP OF THE BIG SHARK--
YOU. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS IT LIKE?
WHAT WAS IT LIKE GETTING McCARTNEY?
>> HE HAD JUST FINISHED REHEARSAL.
AND THAT BIG DOOR YOU GO THROUGH, I OPEN THAT HUGE DOOR,
AND STANDING IN THE HALLWAY ALL ALONE IS PAUL McCARTNEY
LEANING AGAINST THE WALL, CHEWING GUM, LOOKING UP AT THE
CEILING, CHEWING GUM LIKE HE'S WAITING FOR A BUS, ALL ALONE.
>> Stephen: IT'S JUST YOU AND McCARTNEY IN THE HALLWAY.
>> AND MY WHOLE WORLD SLOWS DOWN, OH, MY GOD.
IT'S PAUL McCARTNEY. AND I THINK SHOULD I SAY HI?
HE'S ALONE IN THE HALLWAY. I'M ALIVE.
I'M GOING TO POUNCE. I GO OVER AND SAY, "IT'S AN
HONOR TO MEET YOU, SO EXCITED TO SEE YOUR SHOW," AND I WALK AWAY.
HE SAID, WAIT, COME BACK. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
AND HE GOES PAUL, THAT'S A I GO PAUL. GOOD
AND I'M LIKE I'LL DO THE NAME. JOKES.
HE GOES WHAT DO YOU DO? I SAID I'M A STAND-UP.
HE SAID I LOVE STAND-UPS. DO YOU HAVE A KID?
FIVE MINUTES, 10 MINUTES GO YEAH, I GOT A KID. BY,
AND I'M TALKING TO PAUL McCARTNEY LIKE I'M TALKING TO
YOU. AND I'M SUPER SMOOTH ON THE
OUTSIDE, AND ON THE INSIDE I'M LIKE, "I'M TALKING TO PAUL
AND THIS THOUGHT COMES TO McCARTNEY." MIND--
PAUL McCARTNEY SHOULD DO MY PODCAST.
BUT I WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO I SAY, I KNOW THIS IS CRAZY, YOU
ABOUT HOW YOU MAKE MUSIC, WOULD DO YOU MY PODCAST.
AND SHE SAID SURE. JUST LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: THAT EASY. >> SO THEN HE GOES TO ME, HOW
WOULD WE DO IT? DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS.
I'M GOING TO STAND. HE SAID,INGS HOW WOULD WE DO
THIS? AND THESE NOISES ACTUALLY CAME
I'M LIKE AAHH... AND I'M OUT OF MY BODY. RUBBING
MY LEG LIKE RAIN MAN, ROCKING BACK AND FORTH.
I'LL COME TO LONDON. WE SAID WE'RE IN NEW YORK
TOGETHER WHY WOULD I COME TO LONDON.
AND I SAID, I DON'T WANT TO BE A BOTHER.
IT'S REALLY EASY. YOU CAN DO IT FROM YOUR PHONE.
TOILET. AND I SAID LET ME GET NEIGHBORINGED FROM YOUR OUT OF
HERE WHILE THE GETTING IS GOOD. I SAID I'LL SET THIS UP WITH
YOUR ASSISTANT. AND HE SAID NO, YOU AND I WILL
DO IT. YOU AND I WILL EXCHANGE PHONE
NUMBERS AND WHEN I CALL YOU, YOU HAVE TO BE READY TO DO IT.
NOW I'M HANDING MY PHONE NUMBER TO PAUL McCARTNEY.
I'M RUNNING LATE-- ACTUALLY, HE DOES THE SHOW. TO
GET TO "THE DAILY SHOW." I'M RUNNING LATE.
MY PHONE RINGS. I DON'T RECOGNIZE THE NUMBER.
I LET IT RING TO VOICE MAIL. AND I IMMEDIATELY CALL THEM
BACK, AND HE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN NICER.
>> Stephen: CAN YOU GET HIM ON THIS SHOW?
PAUL, IT WAS LOVELY TO SEE YOU. >> LOVELY TO SEE YOU, MAN.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN CATCH PAUL AT THE HOUSE OF COMEDY IN
WEEKEND AND ON HIS PODCAST VANCOUVER, CANADA, THIS "INSIDE OUT
WITH PAUL MECURIO". WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
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