-Hey, hey. Good to be here.
Good to be back.
I just flew in from the West Coast.
Man, I hate flying.
You know, they let you pick your seat on a plane.
I think I'd rather pick
the person I'm sitting next to, you know?
[ Laughter ]
I don't really care where I am on the plane.
It's like a six-hour relationship.
Make it more like a dating app. Huh? Right?
[ Laughter ]
Obese Nazi with a service dog? Swipe left.
[ Laughter ]
Tiny Asian lady with a surgical mask, that's my gal.
[ Laughter ]
Yes. She is not a talker, right?
[ Laughter ]
But just like a dating app, she shows up with a baby.
I'm like, "Ah! I got catfished."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. I'm not good with the small talk.
You know, two things I can't do --
small talk and eye contact.
How sad is that, you know? [ Laughter ]
I basically have all the traits of a serial killer,
just without the ambition.
[ Laughter ]
I'm working on it, though. I'm working on it, you know?
People always say to me, "Mark, you got to be more confident."
Then they say, "Mark, got to be yourself."
I'm like, "Well, you got to pick one."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
So, you know, I drink. And, uh...
[ Laughter ]
I went out the other night, I saw a lady get catcalled.
She was none too pleased.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I don't know -- I like a strong woman.
I want a woman to catcall me. Catcall us, ladies.
That'd be hilarious.
[ Women catcalling ]
You know, start yelling stuff at us that we don't want to hear,
stuff that would scare a guy.
You know, you walk past a group of girls at night,
one of them's like, "Hey, I'll tell you I love you
on the first date," you're like, "Holy hell."
[ Laughter ]
"That is terrifying."
Yeah, get us back, you know?
You walk past a girl, it's like, "Hey, before we have sex,
I'm gonna poke a hole in the condom."
"This is a horrible neighborhood! My God!
Start the car!"
It's just tough.
There's so many beautiful women in the city.
My God, you gals. You know how to look good.
You got all these tricks to look hot.
That's how women figured out to take the selfie up here.
Right? [ Laughter ]
That was all you, ladies.
You know where your good sight lines are.
I think that's why women like tall guys.
Just some guy looking at you from your best angle
100% of the time, all day long, right?
Yeah.
And that's why you don't mess with short guys.
Just some guy like, "Geez, look at the triple chin
on this broad. Holy hell."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm doing okay. I moved in with a lady recently.
I got an Alexa.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
I love this thing.
You know, I just read an article, though.
It said Alexa actually listens to everything you say,
stores it in a database, and could use it against you later.
I was like, "Man, just like a real woman."
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Yeah. Hoo!
Yeah. Now I'm nervous around my Alexa.
I'm like, "Hey, Alexa, what's the weather out there?"
"Why don't you ask Siri?" "Oh, boy."
"Oh, you think I don't know about her, huh?
You leave me cooped up in here all day,
then right when you leave the house, she's in your pants."
[ Laughter ]
I, uh -- I don't know.
I was a weird kid. I grew up in the '90s.
I was a bed-wetter. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. I wet the bed every day till I was 13 years old.
Oh, boy. My mattress looked like an old coffee filter, yeah.
[ Laughter, groans ]
Oh, man.
I ruined a lot of sleepovers, folks.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, you start to run out of excuses after a while.
And your friend's like, "What happened here?"
I was like, "Heh-heh.
Geez, I must have spilled a cup of piss."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah.
Yeah, they say a lot of bed-wetters
become serial killers, which I believe,
'cause we learn how to clean up a stain pretty quick.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah. That's how embarrassing it is, wetting the bed.
Almost rather be known as a murderer
than a bed-wetter, you know?
Hey, your friend sits on your mattress,
"Why is it all crinkly?"
"I'm gonna kill you!"
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. You grow up fast as a bed-wetter.
You know, you learn life isn't fair pretty young.
You're 7 years old, you're at a friend's house,
you're covered in urine.
You look at your friends,
they're sleeping throughout the night, dry.
You know? [ Laughter ]
You got to get up, walk to your friend's dark house.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Johnson. I wet the bed."
She's like, "Ugh! I knew you were weird."
[ Laughter ]
Now she's setting me up on the couch, the living room,
she's, like, opening up to me in the dark,
telling me all this adult stuff. I didn't even get it, you know?
She's like, "I'm not happy about what's going on in my bedroom."
Like, "Hey, you and me both, sister."
[ Laughter ]
She's like, "You want to get a cup of coffee and a cigarette?"
I'm like, "Look, I'll hang,
but I probably shouldn't have liquids at this hour."
[ Laughter ]
But, you know, I'm doing all right now.
I went to therapy today.
Yeah, I'm a big therapy guy, you know?
Why the stigma with therapy? Why?
Everybody likes working out. Physical therapy.
What's wrong with mental therapy?
Everybody's like, "Well, the gym makes me feel sexy."
Well, you know what else is sexy?
Not being a walking red flag."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Get some help.
Nobody cares about your abs
if you're the guy having a meltdown at Red Lobster.
[ Laughter ]
I think people, they like the gym
because there's, like, a culture behind it.
You know, like, gym rats.
They have T-shirts that say "Beast Mode"
and "Better Sore Than Sorry."
Therapy people, we need T-shirts.
We need a shirt that says "No Dad, No Problem," right?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah, we're like "Can't Stop, Won't Stop Crying."
Aah! [ Laughter ]
Thanks a lot. I'm Kevin Hart.
Have a good night!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh. You hit a home run, buddy.
Mark Normand!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mark Normand!
For tour dates, go to marknormandcomedy.com.