(upbeat music)
- So many things don't make sense.
I mean, look at British politics.
Wow!
That is proof that the cream can rise to the top,
but turds can float there too.
(audience applauds)
I mean, look at Boris Johnson.
Just saying his name was enough to make you laugh.
We never know what he's going to say.
His brain is like Cards Against Humanity.
Ironically, he sounds like he's got a sex toy in him.
(gibberish sounds)
It's insane.
All the way through a pandemic,
all he said to us was, "Hands, face, space.
Right, see you next week."
Like a cuckoo clock, "Hello everybody, me again.
Hands, face, space."
It's like an Antonian Yoda.
It's a slogan.
Slogans don't work.
We're British.
What do we do with slogans?
Ignore them.
Every beer in this country, "Drink responsibly."
Exactly!
Nobody in this country drinks responsibly.
Weekends in this land are like the fucking Purge.
(horn sounds)
You have two days to live, England.
Kill or be killed.
We get so hammered,
we look like those things you see outside garages.
You know, those things.
(audience laughs)
You don't realize how hopeless Boris is
until you see other leaders.
I was in Denmark,
when COVID kicked off.
Their leader was a woman.
She was amazing.
She looked, I'll never forget it, right.
I was doing a show in Denmark and my mum was like,
"Ooh, are you doing it in English?"
Probably.
But the Danish female leader stood in front of the nation,
and went "This is serious, we are locking down."
Do you know what Boris did the same day?
I do, 'cause I watched him.
"Hello, we're gonna have to wash our hands."
(audience laughs)
"We're going to have to wash our hands."
Do you remember that moment?
"Now, we need to wash our hands for 20 seconds.
The way I like to remember 20
is by singing Happy Birthday to myself."
Our leader gave us that advice.
I was like, "How thick do you think we are?
We can't count to 20?"
And yet, an hour later, I was in a toilet in Copenhagen.
♪ Happy birthday to me! ♪
I thought I was alone.
Have you ever had a moment like that?
Ah, the look of confusion.
This poor Danish man saw me doing that,
and just went, "Happy birthday."
It's nice to be happy.
'Cause the world's awful at the minute, isn't it?
How depressing is the world?
Look at politics in this country,
the right are too right in the left or too left,
and none of them speak for us.
It's ridiculous.
"Brexit means Brexit."
"I want my country back!"
And over here it's just as bad.
"What are we going to call female fishermen?"
It's not your country, "va-janglers."
Can we not?
Discuss something that matters!
When the fuck did Piers Morgan become socially irrelevant?
When did that happen?
Every day that toxic prick's telling us what he thinks.
He always says the same thing.
"I'm just saying what the man in the streets thinking."
Fuck off.
I'll tell you what the man in the streets thinking,
"She's all right, what's the tea, I'd like to be a Jedi."
That's what the man in the street is thinking.
Piers Morgan doesn't speak for me.
Doesn't speak for you.
No one knows what makes us happy.
Do you know What makes me really, really happy?
I like looking after my nephew. He's three.
A lot of fun hanging with a three year old,
'cause you can teach him things,
and no one knows you did the teaching.
Here is my gift from me to you.
I taught my nephew to say this,
"Yes.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?"
It makes anything creepy, that is the beauty.
Got lots of people at the minute,
"We can't let Trump come to England, we can't.
We can't let him meet the queen."
I think we can.
That's how we get rid of that bully.
That's how we get rid of that bigot.
We use Liz as bait.
Think about it!
"Come in Donald, come in.
You're probably weary from the battle and shit, come in.
Pull up a pew, doll."
We don't know what the queen's like, let's be honest.
We're all very different at home to how we are at work.
Oh, I bet she's the same.
I bet you she fucks around with the guards.
Just walking along one day.
"Chuh.
Nobody will ever believe you."
You would, wouldn't you?
Just every day.
"Morning!"
The queen did a dab!
"I think not furry hat."
"Come in, Donald, come in.
This is Prince Philip, my husband."
(groaning noise)
"There you go, that's him."
That's all he said in 20 years, is it?
(groaning noise)
"Okay."
We have to get the camera off him
before he pulls out a fiver, and goes, "I fucked her."
"Okay, Philip. Come on!
Come in, Donald. Probably wondering why you're here."
"I am. I wonder so much. There's so much wondering.
I wonder, you wonder, we all wonder.
I wonder why when I play golf in Scotland,
the ball never goes in the hole."
(audience applauds)
"You're wondering why you're here."
"I am."
"Well, we're here to knight you.
We think you're splendid.
Kneel down. Philip, blade."
(swinging sound)
"Oh, fuck! I slipped.
Oh, I'm so old and weary.
Why did I do it? I'll tell you why I did it.
Because nobody grabs my pussy is why, sonny Jim.
And this is called "muffeling!"
Film me, Philip, film me!
♪ Every day I'm muffeling! ♪
- It's such a weird thing.
I think wonky eyes are funny, man.
Mines are Lazy.
You should see my cousins.
His is unemployed.
Have to approach each other sideways on like crabs.
We can't lose our ability to laugh at ourselves.
It's weird.
These are the rules in England, "We're ugly and funny."
Yeah.
I'm not sure if you've been to Sweden, not a lot of banter.
They don't need it!
Look at my cheekbones.
I agree.
Let's get married.
Here, "Want love? I'll grow on ya."
We do!
We're a lovely, funny fungus.
And we cannot lose our sense of humor.
But people on the right and the left
have started complaining about jokes.
We live in a country where a comedian was investigated
by the police for a gag about a politician.
Jo Brand mocked Nigel Farage and someone called the cops.
It's the most un-British reaction you've ever heard.
"Hello, officer. Come quickly.
There's been a joke.
Hurry!
I feel giggly." And then you get people going,
"Well, hang on a minute Russel,
what if someone heard that joke
and they acted upon that joke, eh?"
And you're like, "Well, no one's ever done that, have they?
Ya fuck knuckle."
Has anyone here every interrogated a chicken?
"Why did you cross the road?"
It's crazy. There's things to be upset about in life.
Rape, murder, poverty, homelessness,
people who don't pick up dog shit, not jokes.
I'm serious about the dog shit.
I found out recently,
if a baby touches dog muck, they can go blind.
And what do they get when they go blind?
A dog!
Racism. That's something to be upset about
more than jokey wokes.
It's really reared its ugly head, hasn't it?
Last couple of years, people booing footballers
who want to take a knee.
An African-American is killed by the police
and people are screaming, quite rightly,
that black lives matter!
And then you get these morons,
"I think you'll find, all lives matter!"
How can you be flippant about murder?
Try and be like that with other stuff. "Save the whales!"
"What about salmon?"
"Happy Mother's Day!"
"Are you calling my dad a cunt?"
(audience applauds)
No. I mean, I imagine he is.
"We need to get rid of the foreigners.
That's what's ruining this country."
Jesus Christ.
Foreign influence is what makes this country.
It's what makes Britain great. It is.
Think of all the things they've given this land!
Roman roads, German beer, French kissing,
Mexican waves, Dutch ovens, Chinese buns.
Can you imagine a zoo in England
without a foreign influence?
Behold, the hedgehog!
We need foreign influence!
It's Pythgoras' theorem, not Jev's hunch.
All these bigots singing, "Land of Hope and Glory"
and "Royal Britannia."
Why would you sing a song that promotes slavery?
There's so many great things about this country.
Slavery, and all rolled in it, ain't one of them.
I say, we change the lyrics and keep the old tune.
Wouldn't you love to hear this in a pub,
♪ Land of Attenborough and Stormzy ♪
♪ The NHS and tea ♪
♪ Derrick Trotter and Rodney ♪
♪ And chicken jollof ratings ♪
(audience applauds)
And if it isn't skin color,
some people still have a problem with sexuality.
We were teaching primary school kids
about same sex relationships.
Some people lost their mind.
"It's disgusting!
Teaching kids about gay shit!"
Like whoa, chill out.
They're teaching them tolerance, not technique.
The children went running home,
"Daddy look, this is scissoring!"
No one reads beyond the headline.
I read the book.
This was it,
"This is a man-bear.
There's another man-bear.
They lived together in a man-bear house."
That was it. Wasn't like the bears were like,
"That's right baby! Lick my asshole. Yeah!
If you go down to the woods today,
you're gonna have a big old surprise. That's right!"
The children weren't running home,
"Today's the day the Teddy bears all get fisted."
None of that.
It was all about tolerance. All about love.
Telling you, "You can love whoever you want to love."
It's a lovely message.
And yet people were like,
"Well, no. No. Parents know best."
And you're like, not always.
When my friend Tom was 12,
his parents made him do Morris dancing.
They made him!
He was already getting bullied.
Now he's covered in bells.
Have you ever tried hiding from bullies
with bells on, have ya?
"He's in the hedge!"
(bell sounds)
It's like a Swiss cow trying to hide from a pervert.
This is my favorite,
"How's it relevant?
Teaching kids about same sex relationships.
How's it relevant?"
Nothing's relevant when you're five.
It's fun. It's not relevant.
When was the last time here anyone ever carried an egg
in a spoon, across a field?
Anyone recently retrieved a brick from the bottom
of a swimming pool whilst wearing pajamas?
Cause back in the nineties, wasn't it,
one of the teachers was like,
"I dunno, you're five. Fuck it.
Glue some pasta to that paper."
"We finished!"
"Have ya? Um, measure the playground
with that clicky wheel thing."
Click, click, click.
This is relevant.
Click, click, click.
"It's a good job not learning about gay people
and their feelings."
Click, click, click.
I don't understand. You're probably the same as me.
I find this, this bigotry baffling, man.
I don't understand the anger towards the trans community.
"All these boys should stay that way.
I don't want you changing your sexuality.
You stay that way.
I don't like people to transform.
I'm off to Watch Batman."
Strikes me, that's a tough road, man.
Imagine feeling like you're not in the right body.
Must be exhausting.
We've all got clothes we don't like wearing.
Imagine feeling like you're not what you're meant to be?
Must be horrific! The way I feel about it,
If you want me to call you "they" or "them"
or "she" or "sir" or "madam," fine.
I don't want to upset you.
All I ask, if I get the words wrong, don't have a go at me.
These are new words and I'm English.
And you know what we're like with language.
We've seen ourselves in Spain,
"Do. You. Do. Chips?"
It takes us, "I said pour for four, Sharon!"
"Do. You."
It must be tough.
Imagine being born a man with a cock
that was a burden rather than playmate.
Can you imagine that?
Cause it doesn't matter, fellas, how bad your day is,
our dick will always be there for us.
"You all right, Jeff?
You had a tough day at the office?
Aw, Jeff.
You know what we could do?
That's it, Jeff.
♪ I love you. ♪
♪ You love me. ♪
Strangle me, Jeff!
♪ We are a happy family. ♪
The point I'm making,
imagine not having that special bond.
We've run out of empathy in this country, you know.
And what's frustrating, there's a game going on.
I'm not sure if you've noticed it.
The papers, "Oh, woke culture. Oh, woke culture.
You can't say what you want to say anymore."
Meanwhile, knife crime is the worst it's been since 1946.
Nobody's speaking about that.
It's ridiculous.
1946!
We got kids in London, age nine, carrying knives.
That is important!
And that's something to be angry about, rather than jokes.
Can you imagine that?
Imagine being nine years old.
You're so terrified.
You feel that you've got to carry a knife.
And Glasgow used to be the murder capital of Europe.
And how do they fix it?
By looking it as a health problem,
rather than a criminal one.
Our government could copy that,
but they're not doing that.
"Well, no, it's not that, it's the music.
They listen to drill and rap and grime
and that's why they're so terribly violent."
It's ridiculous.
Cause that is a nine year old boy.
That's not a criminal.
That's a scared little kid.
When I was nine,
the scariest thing we had in our trousers was this.
(audience laughs)