- My profile says don't panic, I don't have any legs.
I can still pitch a tent, but I don't like camping.
(soft music)
My name is Spencer West.
I am a gay man, and I am as single as they come.
I think I would consider myself a romantic
given the opportunity.
Growing up in a small town here in the United States
in Wyoming and being gay, there wasn't any examples.
I don't really have any pre-conceived notions
or touch stones or anything,
which in the beginning was a little frustrating,
'cause I'm like well how does this work
and what does this look like?
But now as I've gotten a bit older,
I realize oh, I kinda get to make the rules
and get to decide what that looks like for myself.
I would say that I fluctuate in dating.
I go in spurts where I'm like I'm into it
and I want to meet someone.
And then I'm like ugh, this is exhausting.
I used to on like my dating profiles
on like Grindr and Tinder not disclose my disability,
but I had photos that's like clearly I don't have any legs,
but sometimes people don't really notice.
I didn't think it was important,
because I thought oh, it shouldn't matter,
but then I realized what would happen is I would start
to chat with someone and get to know them,
and then we'd get to the stage where like,
okay, well maybe we should meet,
and then it would have to be like oh, by the way,
I don't have any legs.
And sometimes it would be like oh, this person blocked me
and doesn't want to talk anymore.
Or sometimes it would be like oh,
well that changes things a little bit.
A it felt like coming out for a second time.
I've got two things to come out about.
Surprise, I'm gay.
Surprise, I don't have any legs.
And then I thought, well this is silly.
I wish that we lived ina world where it didn't matter,
but I guess it does.
So now I address these things on the app right away
to sort of like just get it done,
so then we can move on to more meaningful things
like getting to know each other.
People want to know where my legs are
and I'll copy and paste that
from like notes in my phone,
'cause it's like so obnoxious to type out every time.
Well I was born with a genetic disease
that caused the muscles in my legs not to work.
As a kid they removed just below my pelvis
so I could get around better.
It's a lot to type on like a dating app,
so I would copy and paste it.
Then the next question people always wanted
to know is do you have a penis
and can you have sex?
So like I address, yes I don't have legs,
and yes I have a penis, and yes it works.
And I try to make a joke about it,
because I think it's important
to like laugh at ourselves and get other people
to laugh at the same time,
hopefully that's kinda cute too, you know?
What's interesting though, is a lot of these profiles
don't have my height or my weight.
So when you have to list those things,
I always keep them blank, and then people are like,
well, how tall are you?
And I'm like, two foot seven inches,
and I weigh 85 pounds.
(laughing)
What's been nice about addressing it like that is now
when people message me, it's usually the people
that are interested, not just in the physicality of things,
but like in me as a person.
I think it gets people to see my personality a bit more
and to see past my disability and this idea of just
being like a sex object and into like the person itself.
When people contact you, you can tell
whether they're actually interested in you
or whether they're fetishizing you,
and it's a thing like in the disability community,
not just like me without legs.
I've talked to a lot of other folks
with disabilities who have the same thing.
It's the curiosity of like, how does everything work
and I want to like experience it just to say that I did.
The other that I'll get, I'll just get a message
being like, you're such an inspiration.
I'm so proud of you, you're so brave
for being on this app.
This is coming from a genuine, like nice place,
but I don't think people understand
that it sounds so condescending,
'cause how I interpret it, largely,
is like oh man, if I was in your position,
I wouldn't date, I wouldn't fall in love.
This would be awful, I'd probably stay at home
and cry all day, like whatever that would look like.
I don't know, I usually respond by saying
that's really nice, but why is me wanting
to fall in love inspiring?
Or why is that brave?
I'm not doing anything that you're not doing.
I just happen to not have legs
and don't have to spend money on shoes.
(soft music)
A couple of years ago I met someone.
He was from New York, so it just so happened I was gonna
be in New York like a few weeks later,
so I messaged him and I was like hey,
I'm gonna be here, let's go out.
And he was like amazing, let's do that.
And it was probably like the best first date
that I have ever had.
I felt like I was living my best Carrie Bradshaw life,
like in New York City.
He said this restaurant that was nearby.
We were both really nervous, we each like had a drink
and ordered our food, and instantly started
to relax, we had this amazing conversation.
So after dinner, we wanted the date to continue.
It was one of those like the conversation was so good.
So he was like, do you wanna just like go for a walk?
And I was like
yes.
We're starting to walk, and we turn the corner
and it's all these beautiful, brown stones,
and so he was do you wanna just like sit
on the stupe of this brown stone and chat?
And I was like yes, and so in my mind,
I was like playing it cool,
I was just like yeah, yeah sounds good.
And so we like sit down on the stairs.
We're like chatting and really connecting
and really having this lovely conversation.
You know, like we start like getting a little closer
and getting a little closer, and then,
(record scratching)
I don't know, I feel like I was reading the signals right,
but I think he panicked and he was like,
can I give you a hug?
And I was like, wah wah, but sure!
And like okay, we'll start there.
So we hugged, we kept talking, and as we're talking,
I'm like sort of looking at the sky
and looking at him, it's starting
to get grayer and grayer, and pretty soon,
it like lightly starts to rain,
and he's like we should probably go inside.
And I was like wait, wait, wait,
I feel like we have to take advantage
of this opportunity, and I just leaned in and I kissed him.
We made out in the rain for a little bit,
which was like so romantic and so hot,
and then we walked to like a nearby bar
and just like had a couple drinks
and just like sat in the corner and just chatted
and cuddled, and then he walked me home
to my friend's apartment, and that was it.
For me, it was like love exists.
People are romantic, and even for someone
with a disability, it didn't matter.
This is what love is supposed to be like,
and this is what genuine connection is
and this is what every first date should be like.
I hope people just have a deeper understanding of A,
what it's like to be queer and to have a disability,
and for folks to recognize that yes,
we are sexual people, like everyone else,
but I think it's important for us
to get to know one another and to have that visibility of
that just because I have a disability,
doesn't mean I want to date, and doesn't mean I don't want
to have sex, I have all of those same feelings
and urges as everyone else does,
and I think it's important that we all recognize that
and encapsulate that to see the whole person
and not just these segments of them.
(soft music)