Most of us know the difference between being respectful and rude, right?
Or maybe we just think we do.
Here's some advice from top etiquette experts to figure out how we can recognize etiquette
mistakes we may not even realize we're making.
Thank you notes
According to Jodi Smith of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting, a verbal thank you simply is not
enough — you also need to send a note.
Etiquette expert Lisa Grotts added,
"Planning and giving parties is a lot of work.
Don't forget to say thank you when you leave an event, then call the next day and send
a thank-you note within 24 hours so the message is not lost."
Perhaps so many of us are hesitant to send thank you notes because we don't know how
to write them properly.
Event planner Sarah Kidder revealed,
"One of the typical etiquette challenges is not making a thank you note all about the
writer.
Sincere thank you notes do not have a lot of 'I' included."
Sympathy cards
One of the most uncomfortable tasks is writing a card to express condolences.
Kidder says it is best to approach this by taking yourself out of it, focusing on the
person you are writing to and perhaps putting yourself in their shoes.
She explained,
"As a personal example, when my mother passed away, some well meaning notes and letters
focused on how shocked the writer was, how sad, etc.
They were long notes, all about the writer.
Those were hard to read at that time, especially as a grieving young adult in shock."
Kidder also believes the most wise approach is to hold off with the uber-positivity in
the early days and weeks while the grief is still fresh.
She revealed,
"Stories of good times past often go over better after enough time has passed for those
grieving to hear and enjoy the mutual affection for the departed."
Guest duties
If you are going to a meal or event at someone's home, you need to plan ahead of time... or
risk being rude by waiting until the last minute to RSVP. Smith also discouraged people
from arriving empty handed at someone's home.
This means making sure to plan to leave the house early to pick up a bottle wine, a sweet
treat or even flowers.
Better yet, have something sent in advance!
Holding utensils
The dinner table is ripe with opportunities for social faux pas, especially when it comes
to our eating utensils.
The founder of the Etiquette Academy of New England explained,
"When using utensils, make sure you are holding them properly.
Fork and knife are held with handles inside the palm to start with, and then eat depending
on whether you are using them Continental or American style.
The soup spoon should always be held like a pencil."
"So for soup, the golden rule of etiquette is you always spoon soup away from you."
"Away from you."
Eating habits
When it comes to food, there are many opportunities to be rude, especially because so many of
us have specific dietary needs these days.
Grotts says this can cause a major conflict of etiquette, and explained,
"If you're a dinner guest, eat what is served unless you're allergic to that food.
If you don't care for something, pretend to eat by mixing the food on your plate.
If the host asks why you're not eating, just say that you're leaving room for dessert."
She also shared another tip on how not to offend the chef and likely have a tastier
meal,
"Don't use salt or pepper until you first take a bite of food.
It may already have the perfect amount of seasoning."
Dating
Going on a date provides lots of opportunities to make etiquette mistakes.
Diane Gottsman, who is the author of Modern Etiquette for a Better Life answered one of
the age-old dating questions that so many of us have — who should pay the check.
She said,
"The rule of who pays on a date is the person who extended the invitation, regardless of
gender or financial status."
Regarding whether men should hold the door for women, Gottsman has a modern take on this:
"Socially, a man has been taught to open the door for a woman.
Professionally, whoever gets to the door first should hold it, or walk through and hold it
for the other person."
Tipping
In America, most of us believe that it is standard to leave a tip of 15 to 20 percent
for good service, but the percentage really depends on where you eat, according to Devoreaux
Walton of The Poise Pursuit, who said,
"Tipping at a restaurant has increased for satisfactory service.
The old suggested tip was 15 percent of the bill.
The new tipping standard is 20 percent at a restaurant and 22 percent at a fine dining
restaurant with outstanding service."
But what if your service isn't what you expected it to be?
According to Gottsman, it's never okay to skip out on the tip.
She advised,
"If you aren't happy with the service, speak to the manager and leave a minimum of 10 percent."
Now there's a tip you can take to the bank.
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