- I ALWAYS LOVE WHEN I HAVE ACADEMY AWARD WINNERS ON MY SHOW
BECAUSE THEN I CAN MAKE THEM DO SOMETHING RIDICULOUS.
HERE IS THREE-TIME ACADEMY AWARD WINNER MERYL STREEP
GIVING THE PERFORMANCE OF A LIFETIME.
YOU REALLY CAN DO ANYTHING.
I MEAN, IF YOU LOOK AT YOUR ROLES
ACROSS ALL OF THE FILMS THAT YOU'VE DONE, YOU'RE FUNNY.
YOU'RE SEXY. YOU'RE DRAMATIC.
YOU'RE--YOU KNOW, YOU CAN-- YOU'RE DRUNK.
YOU'RE EVERYTHING. - I'M BORING.
- YOU'RE NOT BORING. YOU'RE NEVER BORING.
SO I THOUGHT I WOULD PROVE IT TO EVERYONE
IN CASE ANYONE QUESTIONED ME ON THAT.
THIS IS AN OATMEAL RECIPE, AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO READ IT,
BUT I WOULD LIKE YOU TO READ IT SEXY.
- [sultry voice] IN A SMALL SAUCEPAN,
BRING TWO CUPS OF WATER TO A BOIL.
OVER MEDIUM HIGH HEAT, STIR IN OATS.
WHEN OATMEAL BEGINS TO THICKEN...
[laughter]
REDUCE HEAT AND SIMMER,
STIRRING OCCASIONALLY, FOR 30 MINUTES.
[normal voice] 30 MINUTES?
FASTER THAN AT MY HOUSE.
[laughter]
- ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A TRAFFIC REPORT,
BUT YOU'RE GONNA READ IT AS A WOMAN IN LABOR.
- OH, MY GOD.
- THAT'S RIGHT. - OKAY.
A TRACK REPORT. - TRAFFIC.
- TRAFFIC, OKAY. - BUT YOU'RE IN LABOR.
- [breathing heavily]
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR...
TWO-STATE DRIVE.
[short breaths]
HEAVY BACKUP. HEAVY BACKUP AS USUAL.
ON THE--AH!
I10 AND THE-- OH, MY GOD!
THE 710 INTO DOWNTOWN.
OKAY. [short breaths]
GOT A JACKKNIFE. BIG RIG IN THE TWO-LANE.
[short breaths]
101 WESTBOUND AT BALBOA-- [screams]
OH! OH! OH!
OH, I WOULDN'T CONSIDER GETTING THROUGH THERE ANYTIME SOON.
[laughter]
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
[cheers and applause]
- ONE LAST ONE, ONE LAST ONE.
THIS IS WIKIPEDIA, BUT YOU'RE READING IT
AS AN ANNOYED TEENAGER.
YOU'VE HAD ONE OF THOSE.
- HOW CAN I PULL THAT UP?
[scoffs]
[groans]
THE FIRST RECORDED INSTANCE OF SANDPAPER
WAS IN THE 13TH CENTURY, MOTHER,
WHEN CRUSHED SHELLS, SEEDS, AND SAND
WERE BONDED TO PARCHMENT USING NATURAL GUM.
OKAY?
[applause]
- I LOVE HER SO MUCH.
AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN TWO-TIME ACADEMY AWARD WINNER EMMA THOMPSON STOPPED BY.
ALL RIGHT, SO YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ANIMAL NOISES,
AND I'M GONNA GUESS THE ANIMAL.
- ALL RIGHT.
- LOOK, I CAN TELL HER TO DO ANYTHING.
SHE'S JUST, "OKAY. I'LL DO IT."
ALL RIGHT, SHOULD WE HAVE TIME ON THE CLOCK, OR WE'LL JUST GO?
WELL, A MINUTE ON THE CLOCK.
- UH...
BAWK, BAWK, BAWK, BAWK.
BAWK, BAWK, BAWK.
- I THINK THAT'S A CHICKEN. - YES!
- UM...
OH!
OH, GOD, I DON'T KNOW.
WAIT. I'LL HAVE TO JUST DO IT.
- A TURTLE?
IS THAT A TURTLE?
OH, IS THAT AN ORANGUTAN?
IS THAT A MONKEY?
IS IT SOME TYPE OF A--
A SPIDER MONKEY.
IT'S A--
IT'S A GIBBONS.
IT'S A GORILLA.
- [whinnies]
- IT'S A HORSE. - MM.
UH...
[squeals]
- DONKEY?
- [squealing]
- THAT'S A GIBBONS.
- NO, IT'S NOT A GIBBON.
A GIBBON GOES, "WHOOP! WHOOP!"
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
- HANG ON. WAIT.
- [squealing]
OH, OINK! OINK!
- A PIG.
- JEEZ!
OH!
[buzzer sounds]
- [barking]
- I'M GONNA KEEP PLAYING.
- [laughs]
UM... OH.
[trumpets]
- AN ELEPHANT? - YEAH.
- UM... - HARD WAY TO DO AN ELEPHANT.
- OH...
[brays]
- A DONKEY. THAT'S A DONKEY.
- MOO. - A COW.
- [bleating]
- THAT'S A SHEEP.
- UH...
WAIT.
[knocking]
- THAT'S A WOODPECKER.
- UM...
[howling]
- THAT'S A WOLF.
- YES.
UM...
[cawing]
OH, NO, THAT'S WRONG.
UM, UM...
IT'S A--IT'S A--
[caws weakly]
[laughs]
I CAN'T DO IT!
- ALL RIGHT.
- UM...
WELL, THAT-- COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO.
- A ROOSTER.
- [hooting]
- ARE YOU A GHOST?
- [laughs]
- ARE YOU A DOVE?
- [hoots]
TWIT-TWOO.
TWIT-TWOO!
UH, YEAH.
- TWIT-TWOO?
- TWIT-TWOO.
THAT'S HOW WE WOULD WRITE IT IN OUR ENGLISH LANGUAGE,
THAT YOU CLEARY DON'T SHARE AT THIS MOMENT.
UM, UM...
OH, I KNOW. UM...
AND THEN...
YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY GO UPSIDE DOWN
IN THE WATER.
WHEN THEY GO UPSIDE DOWN.
I'M TRYING TO--
[cheers and applause]