-Welcome, everybody, welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show."
You’re here. You made it. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, today in Washington,
President Biden had his annual physical exam.
Or as my writers call it, Christmas.
[ Laughter ]
That’s right, that’s right.
This morning, Biden went to Walter Reed Medical Center
for his yearly physical.
The good news is, Biden is doing great.
However, the doctor who examined him
hasn’t blinked in seven hours.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, the exam was important,
although bringing Biden in for a physical
is kind of like bringing your iPhone 3 to the Genius Bar.
Like, "I guess we can look at it.
There's not much we can do with this thing."
But things got off to a bit of a rough start
when Biden took off his pants and the nurse said,
"Sir, this is the waiting room.
I mean, wait till you get inside."
Once Biden made it in, the doctor was like,
"Who gave him anesthesia?"
The nurses said, "No, that’s just how he is."
But the President is actually in fantastic shape.
Apparently he wanders 10,000 steps a day,
which is nice to hear.
[ Laughter, applause ]
10,000 a day.
That amazing?
But it wasn’t all great news for Biden.
Unfortunately, they gave him a colonoscopy
and found several more classified documents.
And, you know, that’s unfortunate.
That’s right. Biden had his physical.
And while I’m sure his doctors were very thorough,
I wanted to ask some follow-up questions myself.
So if you don’t mind, we’re going to talk to him right now.
Mr. President, thank you for doing this.
To begin, can you please turn and cough?
-[ Coughs ]
-Alright. Thank you very much.
Let’s do a quick vision test, okay?
Can you read these letters top to bottom?
-I can’t quite see. I can’t --
-You know what? Forget it, forget it. It’s fine.
Don’t worry about that.
Real quick, what is your typical resting heart rate?
-Two. -Okay, that’s pretty low.
That’s pretty low. Moving on.
What did the doctor say when he finished your colonoscopy?
-That tunnel is 150 years old.
-Alright, well, that’s interesting.
[ Laughs ]
I don’t know if that’s -- -Wow.
-Well, now, how many hours of sleep are you getting a night?
-Eight hours. -Okay. That’s good.
And how many hours of sleep are you getting during the day?
-Eight hours. -Okay.
Now, what have you been wearing to bed
to avoid those frequent trips to the bathroom?
-Depends.
-Now, sometimes a doctor will say
someone’s as strong as an ox.
What did yours compare you to?
-A 5'2" little Irish lady.
-Okay, that’s --
Finally, Mr. President, we’re going to do a stress test.
Okay, can you start running some stairs?
[ Laughter ]
Alright. You know what? Hey, never mind, never mind.
Thank you very much.
Sorry to bother you, sir. Thank you.
[ Applause ]
Well, some more big news from Washington.
Today Mitch McConnell announced he’s stepping down
as the Senate Republican leader this November.
[ Cheers and applause ]
When the news broke, my writers were like,
"Oh, my God, it’s double Christmas."
Yeah, after nearly two decades as the Republican leader
of the Senate, McConnell is stepping down.
McConnell just turned 82.
So that can only mean one thing.
He’s running for president. That’s right.
McConnell actually joined the Senate in 1985.
Can we see him back then?
He looked cool.
[ Laughter ] Awesome.
McConnell said that it’s time
for the next generation of leadership.
Then he looked around the Senate and realized
the next generation is 75.
He’s like...
Well, guys, we’re a few days away
from a potential government shutdown.
It’s unclear if Congress can pass a spending bill on time.
And now several members of Congress
are speaking up about it.
For example, Senator Rand Paul said...
And Congressman Jack Bergman said...
And Senator Ted Budd said...
And Congresswoman Frederica Wilson said...
And Congressman Max Miller said...
And Congressman David Kustoff said...
And Congressman Shri Thanedar said...
Congressman Bob Latta said...
And Senator John Fetterman said...
And Congressman Patrick McHenry said...
And finally, Senator Rand Paul said...
It's just interesting.
They just need to talk to each other.
The whole thing. The whole thing.
Wow.
Wow. Some business news.
Elon Musk said that the new Tesla Roadster
will be able to go 0 to 60 in less than a second.
I guess this is good.
I’m not sure I need to break the sound barrier
just going to Walgreens.
But it’s fun when you step out of the car,
you just look like Biden’s doctor.
You go... [ Laughter ]
Well, guys, everyone loves TikTok,
but sometimes you just want to skip the boring parts of a video
and get right to the good part.
Am I right?
For instance, if you’re watching a video, you can skip this part.
Yeah, and you go right to this part.
-Hello, sir.
-There he goes. See what I mean?
See what I’m saying? [ Laughs ]
"Hello, there."
Here’s another exa--
Here’s another example. You can skip this part.
Yeah, and go right to this part.
Oh, yeah. [ Laughs ]
Next, you can skip this part.
No, you have no idea.
You think you have an idea, but you don’t.
You could skip that part and go right to this.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
What? Come on. What?
-Come on, they're rented pants.
-You can also skip this part.
[ Indistinct talking ]
And go right to this part.
-[Bleep]
-Look at this.
[ Laughter ]
Sorry. Sorry, Mom.
And finally, you can skip this part.
-Oh, my God.
-Look [bleep] baby. Ah!
-And go right to this.
-Easy. -Oh, my God.
-Easy.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Ooh, what stinks?
Well, switching gears, today Netflix released new episodes
of "Love Is Blind," and, yeah, I love it.
One of the most dramatic scenes
was a big confrontation between Chelsea and Jimmy.
Now, if you missed it, don’t worry,
because here to re-enact that scene with actual lines
from the show are The Roots' own Tariq and Questlove.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thanks, Jimmy.
Tonight I’ll be playing the role of Chelsea,
a 30-year-old flight attendant from North Carolina
who's confronting Jimmy for going out too much.
-And I’ll be playing Jimmy,
a 27-year-old software salesman from North Carolina
who’s getting confronted by Chelsea
for going out too much. -Alright.
Whenever you’re ready.
[ Soft piano music plays ]
-Girls from the pod said,
"Hey, your mans is out. Where are you?"
They saw you out. McKenzie saw you.
-Why are you hammering me on that?
-Because, like, I don’t want to be with someone
who wants to go out and party.
-Baby, I drove there, I had one drink, I came home.
-But is that something I want to deal with?
[ Laughter ]
-I like to go out and have drinks socially.
-Who were you with last night? Who were you with last night?
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, my God, I’m not going to sit here
and talk to you about this.
-Who were you with last night?
-I was with eight fraternity brothers
and two of their girlfriends.
-Well, I heard from other people
that you were not with just fraternity brothers.
I heard you were with Jess.
-I was not with Jess.
I swear to God, I was not with Jess.
I think you’re insecure about the whole Jess thing.
-Really?
-You’re bringing up Jess and Mackenzie,
and I didn’t see Mackenzie, and I damn sure didn’t see Jess.
I don’t have a physical relationship
with either of them. -You do, though.
You F'ing do.
You told me you F'ed her.
I don’t give a F, but I know you F'ed her,
and you told me that.
[ Laughter ]
-Because I want you to trust me.
-And I do.
You’re not single Jimmy anymore.
You’re not!
-[ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Questlove and Tariq, everyone, right there.
Questlove and Tariq.
That was -- That was acting at its finest.
That’s it. Thank you.
Questlove, Tariq, thank you very much.
No, that’s good. Thank you.
That's good. Thank you. We’re good.
Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
And finally -- And finally, a woman in California
allegedly stole an idling Amazon delivery van
because she was in a rush to get home.
And now she’s expected to arrive in prison
in one to two business days.
We have a great show.
Give it up for The Roots, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Aw, thank you guys.
Hey, guys, we had some sad news today.
We just found out that Richard Lewis passed away,
and he was a good friend of the show, a great guest.
I think he was one of the greatest comedians
to ever do it.
If you get a chance, go on YouTube
and watch some of his stuff.
He was unbelievable.
I used to impersonate him all the time.
He was a good friend, would send me things.
But his HBO specials,
his whole character and walking and, "I’m doomed."
Did you ever see the HBO special "I’m Doomed"?
-Yeah. -He’d be a hypochondriac.
He’d be just so upset about everything.
The special he did was great, that he went to the hospital
'cause he thought he had a heart attack or something.
He didn’t, you know, and he’s like,
"This is terrible, Doctor."
He’s complaining, and the nurse goes,
"Sorry, Mr. Lewis, someone’s here to visit you,
your biggest fan."
And he goes, "I don’t really --"
She goes, "It’s your biggest fan."
And a contortionist walks in.
[ Laughter ]
It’s just so funny. It’s so funny.
And you might know him also from "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
He was fantastic.
I just think he’s...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...one of the greatest to ever do it.
Our thoughts are with his family and friends.
We’re going to miss you, Richard Lewis.
[ Applause ]
Guys, we have a great show tonight.
She’s an Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, and Golden Globe winner
who stars in the new HBO series "The Regime,"
which premieres this Sunday at 9:00 p.m.
Kate Winslet is here tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
She is a talented actor and director
who stars in the new movie "Damsel,"
which starts streaming next Friday on Netflix.
Robin Wright is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And we got great music tonight from Maya Hawke.
[ Cheers and applause ] Stick around.
We’ll be right back with more "Tonight Show," everybody.
Come on back.