They say baseball is the ultimate American pastime but we're pretty sure it's actually
frozen pizza.
We decided it's about time there is a ranking acknowledging the gold stars and the no stars
among all the infamous freezer section cheese pies.
Honestly, Celeste is so bad, it's almost painful to talk about.
The cheese, which the brand claims is 100 percent real, doesn’t taste real at all.
It’s gooey, gross, and beyond strange.
Their pizza is like a giant Bagel Bite that really lost its way.
Imagine what you would have in front of you if you sent your 7-year-old into the kitchen
to try and whip up a pizza from scratch with the ingredients you have on hand.
That's exactly what Celeste tastes like.
Actually, your kid's pizza would probably taste much better.
We'd only recommend it if you're under duress and have absolutely no other food options
readily available.
It’s just that bad.
“How can you eat right now?”
“Eating is the number one way people deal with stress, okay?”
No offense to Mama Celeste, who we're sure was a very nice lady, but these pizzas definitely
need an overhaul.
Our expert samplers actually agreed that although they would never eat this disastrous pizza
again, they wouldn’t mind hurling it at their opponent during a food fight.
If you want to have fond memories of your time as a middle school student, get yourself
some Totino's Pizza Rolls.
If you want a presentable, palatable frozen pizza, keep on browsing and do not get the
Totino's Party Pizza.
We'd only recommend it if you're in a sticky situation and it’s the only food you have
available.
“Did you grab anything when you walked out the door?”
“I grabbed nothing but two Totinos pizza out of the ‘fridgerator and my doggy.”
The Totino's sauce is too sugary, the cheese is bleh, and the crust is flimsy but not in
a good way.
If you are a full grown adult and still find Totino's appetizing, we are saddened to hear
how few pizzas you have tried in your lifetime.
The fact that Home Run Inn pizza has very few ingredients is mind-boggling.
It gives you high hopes because of its appearance, but it doesn't deliver on taste across the
board in terms of its sauce, cheese, and crust.
Aside from the fact that the pie has the slight stench of smelly feet prior to cooking, the
real problem lies in the crust.
It almost tasted as if it were gluten-free… but it wasn't.
If you are gluten-free, fine, but we all know you're making some sacrifices in the pizza
department.
The cheese has a bit of a distinct stench to it, but not in the good stinky cheese kind
of way.
Also worth noting, the cheese doesn't really give you that satisfying stretch-away-from-the-slice
sensation that most great pizzas are known for.
If you miss the taste of SpaghettiO's from your youth, Trader Joe's pizza has the basic
and bland sauce to bring you right back to your childhood.
This pizza is serviceable, but certainly not sophisticated.
The crust is decent, with a dusting of flour on the bottom, which somehow makes it seem
more official, but after a lot of fanfare, we expected a lot more from the grocery chain.
You definitely should plan to add some toppings of your own if you want any sort of enjoyable
frozen pizza experience.
Remember when California Pizza Kitchen was the It-Girl of pizzerias?
Everyone dreamed of trekking to California to enjoy the elusive, creatively topped pies,
which is ironic since The Golden State is much more well-known for its juice bars than
its pizza joints.
My how the mighty have fallen.
CPK's frozen fare is pretty so-so.
The cheese is okay, but the sauce is bland, and the crust has those signature mass-produced
holes on the bottom.
It basically tastes like pizza on a cracker.
“Some people think it’s kinda gross.”
“I love gross.”
In 2013, Nestlé issued a recall of four of its CPK and DiGiorno frozen pizzas because
customers were finding plastic fragments in their food.
“Nestle thinks it’s tracked down the source to a spinach supplier, but no injuries were
reported.”
Recalls happen to even the most beloved of brands, so we're not trying to knock them
when they're down, but it doesn't do much to garner more enthusiasm for the CPK crew.
The in-restaurant experience was stellar in CPK's heyday, but the frozen version of its
namesake item is nothing special...unless you like your pizza with a side of plastic.
You want to love DiGiorno because it looks so dang exquisite when you pull it out of
the oven with its gleaming pepperoni and puffy crust.
Despite its claims to be on par with popular pizza delivery chains it's not.
The dough feels a bit mushy in the center and the crust on the ends is so salty, it
borderline tastes like pretzel bread.
Look, we've got no problem with pretzel bread, but there is a time and place for it and it's
not when you're eating pizza.
The sauce is way too sweet and there's too much of it.
The bread and sauce are excessive, but you know what's not?
The cheese.
There's barely any of it, which is straight up criminal in the frozen pizza world.
Also, while the box claims that the crust has no preservatives, there were definitely
a multitude of hard-to-pronounce words on the ingredient list.
Stouffer's Pepperoni French Bread Pizzas are something of a classic.
They've been around for as long as we can remember and are a solid option if you need
that frozen pizza down your gullet so quick, you're willing to microwave it.
Perhaps if we were living in the year 3,000, we could pop it into one of those fancy hydraters
from Back to the Future Part 2.
“Hydrate level four please.”
But since we’re stuck here in the present, a conventional oven is best if you have a
few extra minutes to spare.
The pepperoni has a very distinct flavor, but the bread could be better.
The cheese is pretty standard.
It's really a middle of the road kind of pizza that we're ambivalent about, meaning it's
certainly not the most horrible option on the market, but you could also do a lot better.
If it's just you and your TV, and you need something quick, easy and perhaps not as shame
inducing as a large round pizza that would normally be shared among a gathering of more
than one human, the Stouffer's French Bread Pizzas might be your jam.
Screamin' Sicilian pizzas haven't been on the scene very long, but they’re part of
Palmero's, a longstanding pizza maker.
You want the Screamin' Sicilian frozen pizza to be good because the box is so intriguing,
but it's nothing to scream home about.
The sauce is pretty mediocre and the crust leaves a lot to be desired and seems very
mass produced.
It tastes exactly like what you picture a frozen pizza to taste like, sort of boring
and predictable.
The cheese is a selling point though, as their pizzas that include Romano, mozzarella, Parmesan,
and white cheddar cheese on top.
Again, this one isn't a terrible pizza brand, but it's not necessarily the bread, sauce,
and cheese that dreams are made of.
We're really sick of Red Baron getting a bad rap.
Considering its exceptionally low price tag, it's delicious and deserves some praise for
keeping families full and satisfied for so many years.
The Classic Crust is thin and buttery with cheese sprinkled all over like a work of art.
Don't like thin crust?
This OG frozen pizza has a variety of different choices, including their hand-tossed pizzas
with a fluffy crust.
Everyone in the household can have their bread with tomato sauce and cheese needs met accordingly.
Red Baron is committed to the pizza game in a very real way.
And we already know that haters are gonna hate.
“They hate us ‘cause they ain’t us!”
“That’s not what it is!”
“Yes, it is!”
“No, it’s not.”
Some people think you have to be under the influence of a mind-altering substance to
seriously consider consuming one of these pizzas.
But for our money, it’s a drunk pizza craver's dream delicacy.
This might sound strange in a ranking of a frozen food product but, the frozen pie from
Amy's Kitchen somehow tastes really, really fresh.
The crust is just the right combination of sweet and savory, and the sauce is unique
with a real made-from-scratch quality.
In terms of all-star ingredients, the sauce, mozzarella, and basil on Amy's Margherita
Pizza in particular are a real showstopper.
If you are counting calories and want to indulge, a serving of Amy's pizza is usually pretty
low in calories.
There are also plenty of gluten-free options that would please even the biggest pizza snob.
Even further, there are gluten-free, vegan pies.
If Olive Garden was a pizza, it would be Safeway's Signature Select.
While the crust is very good, it's heavy on the bread.
And the sauce has a distinct marinara vibe.
It tastes like dipping cheesy breadsticks in marinara sauce, which is pretty dope if
you ask us.
But there may be folks out there not looking for that much dough in their crust.
The cheese is fantastic on this pie and seems to melt really well, if that's even a thing.
If you aren't in an area with Safeway or other affiliated grocery chains that carry the Signature
Select brand, you might be missing out, unless you strongly prefer a thin-crust pizza.
Tombstone is a frozen pizza icon and rightfully so.
The infamous greasy pies have a spicy, smokey flavor all their own.
Is it the pepperoni?
Is it the sauce?
Perhaps it's the magic they make when they're all baked together.
The crust tastes like what would happen if you took a loaf of white bread, mushed it
together, hammered it into a flat circle and toasted it — and we're totally on board
with that.
Named after a bar that was near a graveyard in Wisconsin, Tombstone has been around since
1962 and seems to be aging very well.
The no-fuss packaging is also a bonus.
Who wants to mess with a cardboard box when they're hungry for pizza?
We don’t!
Minimal packaging also makes it easier to stack more in your freezer, and more pizza
is always a good thing.
Having a ranking of frozen pizza and not giving Tombstone a high status position on the list
is basically equivalent to pizza treason.
Freschetta pizzas are hearty and delicious.
The doughy crust reminds you of a crusty loaf of sourdough bread and offers just the right
amount of thickness on the edge.
The sauce and pepperoni all score high on the delish-o-meter, and the cheese does not
disappoint or overwhelm.
Freschetta really surprises you because you think it's going to be stereotypical frozen
pizza, but it's absolutely delightful.
In fact, the brand is known for its amazing crust.
What's the secret?
According to the Freschetta website, they make their Naturally Rising Crust Pizza with
real yeast.
The result is a crust that rises in your oven and fills your entire house with the delicious
aroma of fresh baked bread.
The only thing better than pizza is fresh baked bread, so give us a slice of Freschetta,
pronto.
The Newman's Own line of frozen pizzas are about as legit as it gets.
Their pizza motto is "In crust we trust," and the tasty, thin multigrain crust is bursting
with flavor and has the kind of texture you’d expect from an impeccably made pizza.
The sauce is perfectly seasoned with just the right amount of spice, and the cheese-to-sauce
ratio is so on point.
They've really got a distinct flare that makes you want to come back and try every flavor.
Plus, they taste delicious.
“This is very excellent.
Never knew pizza was so good when it was hot.”
This competition isn't really about your macro counting diet, but if you do want to feel
slightly less gross about your decision to eat frozen pizza, Newman's Own pies have zero
trans fat and no preservatives.
Also, since Paul Newman was already pretty dang rich in his own right, his food and beverage
empire has gone above and beyond to help those in need.
“Newman’s Own donates 100% of its profits to charity, giving away more than $400 milion
since 1982.”
So, obviously, you can attribute your pizza obsession to your generous charitable heart
when you buy this brand of frozen pizza.
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