hey there everybody and welcome to this Brief Review of boundaries in relationships I'm your
host Dr Donna Le Snipes I've talked a lot in other videos about boundaries but I really
wanted to give you a short video in order to have a reference point when you were trying to remember
what is a boundary and why is it important boundaries are like a house when you're in
your house you feel safe and boundaries help you feel safe upholding boundaries help you feel safe
from other people and it's important to recognize that just like a house has doors and windows and
you can let people in or you can choose not to open the door in relationships you can choose
to let people in or not you can choose how far to let them in some people you may answer the
door and go out on the front step to talk to them CU you know what I'm not real comfortable letting
you in the house yet then other people you may get to know a little bit better and fine okay you can
come in and we'll talk in the foyer I don't feel threatened about letting you into the house but
I'm not ready to have coffee with you yet the next boundary or stage if you will is just like
when you have friends and you say okay I trust you enough to let you in a little bit and start to get
to know you more so this is the friend that comes over and has dinner or has coffee with you or you
hang out and watch movies you're still not to the point of giving the person a key and letting them
watch your house for the weekend okay so you can see how boundaries can differ for different people
there are some people in your life I hope that you would feel very comfortable giving them a
key to your house the same thing is true with your thoughts and your feelings you feel safe enough
to actually be vulnerable and give them access to your thoughts and feelings so what are these
boundaries physical boundaries are the boundaries between you and another person how close you stand
to one another um whether they touch you or not and even the amount of eye contact in
interpersonal boundaries are boundaries between you and another person where you may have certain
beliefs about relationships and the way things quote should go in a healthy relationship and what
you want to be able to do in that relationship for example being able to be in a relationship
with someone and still have personal time so that's one of those relationship boundaries
where you try to figure out how can we meet each other's needs and get our needs met at the same
time emotional boundaries and cognitive boundaries are very similar it's how you feel and what you
think you don't have to agree with other people you can still hold your own thoughts hold your
own feelings and that's okay because they're yours when you set boundaries with people it's important
to recog ize who is safe who is trustworthy with this particular boundary who is it that I can
trust if I tell them what I'm actually thinking is it going to be a safe situation or is it going to
cause rejection or anger or put me in some sort of um problem and that's important same thing
with our feelings we may feel a certain way about something but it may not be safe to to share your
feelings with other people so thinking back to that house metaphor how much vulnerability are you
willing to have in sharing your feelings and your thoughts and then environmental boundaries this
has to do with your stuff physical boundaries has to do with your person environmental boundaries
has to do with your stuff people that um have things like Diaries and we all have stuff that
we don't necessarily want some stranger rifling through so what are your boundaries with your
stuff some people are less territorial if you will and if they have roommates they're
like sure go into my closet get whatever you want um and then you may have other people who
are like no if you want to wear something out of my closet ask and I will go get it for you
that is their environmental boundary they don't want you rifling through their stuff and as I
said multiple times already people will earn your trust in those areas and eventually maybe you'll
be like sure go into my closet but it's going to take time you're not going to meet somebody
have known them for a week and then all of a sudden sure go you know unrestrained in my room
or somewhere that is um might make me vulnerable so that was just a quick review of the different
types of boundaries we have in relationships and your boundaries can vary on different things your
boundaries can vary for people you may have very um strict or guarded physical boundaries because
of trauma and that's okay whereas you may have um less guarded emotional or cognitive boundaries
because you feel safe being authentic that's okay what's important is that you recognize
where you need to set your boundaries in order to feel safe in each and every relationship